


A Cruel Rat's Tale

by carolelained



Category: X-Files - Fandom
Genre: M/M, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 60,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5786152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained





	A Cruel Rat's Tale

 

A Cruel Rat's Tale.

Part one Alex's story

By CarolelaineD

  
God knows what made me decide to keep a diary of my life, hell maybe one day after I'm gone people will realize that I was never totally bad.  
What can I say about my earlier life shit it was normal until I reached fourteen, I had two loving parent's and a sister Nikita who was four years older than me.

We never had a lot of money but we got by. I guess that I was a bright kid but very headstrong and I knew from an early age that I was attracted to boys. Maybe that was why I tried to act big and hard but my biggest problem was my mouth, I never knew when to keep it shut.

We were supposed to go for a day out together as a family, my father worked in some law firm and had received a promotion so it meant more money and a better life. God he worked for a law firm yet I always ended up on the wrong side of the law. Anyway back to the point, me stubborn as I was (yep even as a kid I was stubborn), I refused to go and I kicked up a right fuss so they left without me.

I believed that I was so grown up standing up to my parents like that and I spent the whole day with a boy I knew called Nikolai. He was sixteen so we only kissed and cuddled but nothing more, he said that he was willing to wait a few years before we went any further.

This annoyed me as I believed that I was all grown up and even dreamt about him fucking me, shit when he kissed me I wanted him to own me and make me his.

Four hours later the police turned up at my home to inform me that my family had all died in a car crash on their way home. What had I done god I would never even get to apologize to them, I hated life and wanted to die?

I spent the next few hours on my bed crying until I became numb with the pain. Suddenly I realized that I had no one left to love me anymore or even take care of me. What future did I have anyway fourteen years old and living in Russia alone?

I had even refused to let my parents call me by my birth name, well Sasha sounded so sissy so I chose the English version Alex. I considered all my options through and decided that I would not cope in care so I grabbed some clothes and decided to run away, I tried to get Nikolai to leave with me but he refused saying that I was just a kid and would not make it.

 As a result I was on my own (funny that's how I spent most of my life from that day, all alone).  
I hated Nikolai at the time and told him that I hoped to never see him again, but it was hard as he grabbed me and hugged me. So I stood in his arms crying like a baby while he begged me to stay, but I knew that I had no choice and had to leave Russia.

I managed to hide on a ship bound for America hell at least it would be a new life. I was already six foot and looked older so I told everyone that I was eighteen. Well I guess the grass was not greener as I found it hard to survive at only fourteen and in a strange country, hell maybe Nikolai was right and I was nothing but a kid.

I had used all my savings and needed some cash, I managed to steal some food to get by but I had to find a way to make money. I soon found myself outside a gay bar, I was hoping that maybe I could find someone who just wanted company and would willingly help me out.

Well what an idiot I was (well I was only fourteen) men did not want friendly company, I was grabbed by some man who forced me up against the wall then his mouth was all over mine. Oh shit I could feel his tongue down my throat, I then felt his hands opening my jeans and his sweaty hands grabbed my limp cock, God how I wanted it all to end.

I saw a large black car pull up and then I heard someone offering to help me. I had a choice get raped or take a chance on the well-dressed man with the posh car, I guess it was an easy choice really. Well, it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

I arrived at a big posh estate and was shown to a clean room, well at least the room never smelt of smoke as that man in the car had smoked one after another.

I sat on the bed and it was only another five minutes before I had company, shit the man was grabbing me and trying to undress me. I’d asked him what the hell he assumed he was doing and he told me that I belonged to them now, fuck that I told him that I belonged to no one, however that was after I had punched him in his lying mouth.

That got me dragged kicking and screaming into an office and there sat the smoking man. He told me that pretty boys like me where meant to be whores and that was my new role in life, well I did warn you that my mouth always gets me into trouble so I told him to fuck off and go to hell. I felt someone grab me from behind and a hand was pressed firmly over my mouth.

Fuck I woke up some time later and I realized it must have been chloroform or something. What was worse was how I had been left on my stomach and tied to a bed, shit my legs had been stretched so far apart it hurt I also realized that I was naked.

Finally that cancerous bastard returned so I yelled a lot of abuse at him and told him to let me go. I could feel him running his hand over my ass, shit I felt so sick and I yelled at him to stop but all I got in return was my mouth gagged.

He told me yet again I was a whore and that he was going to get great pleasure watching my pretty ass get fucked.  I heard Cancerman call someone into the room the man who entered was huge and well over six feet tall. Cancerman told the man that he wanted him to fuck me hard then I would know my place and who I belonged to, I tried to fight my restraints but all I got was a hard slap on my ass.

I felt the man running his hands over my bare ass then his large fingers enter me oh god I wanted to scream as the pain was unbearable, fuck for about ten minutes he just fucked my ass with his fingers then he removed them and shoved his large hard cock deep into my tight ass. He used no lube or nothing and as long as I live I will never forget the pain I suffered as I lost my virginity.

I spent the next few years getting fucked repeatedly as I became their unwilling whore, I guess you are wondering why I never rebelled well they injected me with something and I never knew what it was. All I knew was at the push of a button the pain became so unbearable I would give in (well it was that or die, not a hard choice to make really).

XXXXXXXXXX

I vowed to get revenge and to get them to trust me so they would not use the Nanos on me, or at least stay around until I found a cure.

They also told me that I was there to do whatever they wanted and that I would always be theirs, I would never again have a life of my own. Well that's my past so far a fucking doormat and a whore with no one to trust. I guess that I had learned a valuable lesson in life and that was to trust no-one.

In time Cancerman told me they had a special job for me but I would need training, I was bright and yeah I believed it was great as my training was to become a G man.

I passed all the training and exams with flying colours and for once in my life I really felt like I was someone and had a place in the world, Special Agent Alex Krycek of the FBI.

I was doing nothing wrong and was doing it for the sake of the country, my task was to work with and keep a close eye on one agent Fox Mulder. I had been told he was a liability to the FBI also that he was narrow minded and arrogant.

Well the list went on and on shit they were planning to send me to work with some freak of nature, not that anyone could be worse than Cancerman.  
I have to read the full report all about him before morning when I will meet Agent Mulder, I’m worried about what sort of a nutcase he really is but at least he's good looking in the photo so that might help.

Fuck I could imagine my cock between those sexy pouting lips shit not a good way to think as I might spend the day with a hard on. Well, it’s late so I will sleep and just see what tomorrow brings when I meet him.

XXXXXXXXXX

Great the least they could have done was let me pick my own suits, sorry I forgot that I have to look like a young little lost fuckin puppy. Well I’m ready to go and I guess that I look like the part of an FBI agent and not a thug, and I even get to carry a gun legally now.

I guess that I want to impress Agent Mulder I just hope he's not as nuts as everyone says, well I have read up on the Grissom case and on Spooky Mulder so here I come the FBI and Agent Mulder await.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, it’s been a few days since I wrote anything so I guess it’s time I updated this diary. I remember first walking into the bullpen, I realized Mulder was far better looking in the flesh but he was one arrogant bastard and even refused to shake my hand.

Shit he even only agreed to work with me after I threw a paddy, well it was my case after all. Then what does the bastard go and do send me for a god damn car then ditch me, but I’m not that green and knew where to find Mulder?

I could understand in a way as Mulder had just lost everything that meant something to him, he trusted no one in life and hell I should have stayed that way and never trusted old Smokey.

Mulder never liked it when I drove as he had a thing for been in charge like he was my boss, then fuck he had to drag me to that autopsy (god how I wanted to throw up), well at least I got to meet Scully. Saying that though she looked at me like I was shit, I swear that I must give off some aura that makes me repulsive.

I realized that I had a huge crush on Mulder from the start and working with him on that case was the highlight of my sad pathetic life so far, after a few days he seemed to start accepting me a bit more too.

When we drove to the train station I was imagining what it would be like to be in the car as a couple and not at work, okay then if I’m to be totally honest with myself I was also wondering what it would be like to give him a blow job there and then in the car.

Working with you made it really hard to concentrate shit all I thought about was you, then on the platform you lay so still I swear I believed you were dead and that I had lost you (not that I had you in the first place).

You see when you told me what you believed regarding Cole and his ability to project images I believed you Fox, I have seen some of the things the government and consortium deal with.

Hell to cut a long story short I was really happy then I watched as Cole pointed that gun at you, shit I believed he was going to kill you. However at the end of the day I shot a man killed him and wiped out his life, fuck I knew Cole wanted to die but why me when he could have just killed himself.

I shot Cole in the line of duty, yeah like I believe that but I still feel sick and disgusted with myself. I was now a killer I even took the top secret files you had and handed them straight over to Cancerman, I did my job and hated betraying you but I knew they would kill me if I disobeyed them.

Therefore I am now sitting here with a bottle of vodka getting drunk as I write this as I just want to forget about everything. Great now I can't stop crying and someone's at the door, I guess this will be the end of today's entry.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had curled up on the couch that night I even yelled at the person to go away shit then you just let yourself in, please no I never wanted you of all people Fox to see me crying. However you would not go would you, you even tried to help while I cried like a bloody baby as you sat beside me Fox.

Shit then you even put your arm around me, yet as you were comforting me my cock had other ideas shit I was so hard, god I was drawn to those luscious lips and needed to taste them, and you looked at me like I was a real honest person and not a whore.

I assumed I’d made a big mistake by kissing you but hell you kissed me back, soon you were shoving your tongue deep inside my mouth, then I felt your hand playing with my nipple and I swear that I was going to come in my pants. Oh God and then suddenly the pressure on my rock hard cock was released, shit you had unfastened my jeans and your hand felt great around my cock.

Then you told me you would stop if I never wanted to go this far and if you were going too fast, shit I swear I would have shot you if you left me hard like that.

Suddenly your mouth was around my cock as you nearly swallowed me whole, then you started to suck me off. The experience was mind blowing as I came hard and fast in minutes, you see Fox when you're a whore they don't give you pleasure, you're there for them and their needs only.

You could work wonders with that mouth of yours then you asked me to go to bed with you, shit I would have followed you anywhere that night.  
You fucked me slow and gentle and I wanted to stay in your arms forever as I had been a whore, yet I had never felt anything like this shit you even wanted to cuddle me afterwards.

I never wanted to betray you Fox shit I nearly told you everything that night, but I knew on account of what they had injected me with I had to remain silent. If I told you anything I would be dead as soon as they found out, and I was not going to give up without a fight.

You were as kind to me as you told me everything would be all right then you kissed me and fell asleep with me in your arms. What scared me so much was how bad I wanted you and not just as a one night stand. I lay their Fox wondering how you would feel come morning would you regret what we had done, well I guess time would tell.

Morning came you kissed me and told me you had no regrets, hell you even told me we would have to keep our relationship a secret as we worked together, those two words (our relationship) meant more than anything and gave me hope.

You left to go home and change so I am sat here bringing this diary up to date and believe me Fox I am the happiest man alive, I know I will be seeing you in a couple of hours, believe me when I say I can't wait.

XXXXXXXXXX

I was sent to get you God Fox what was you trying to do to me, for once in my life I was glad to be wearing that baggy suit at least it hid my extremely hard cock. Fuck you could turn on anyone wearing those Speedo's as you're so sexy and gorgeous, I wanted you to fuck me there and then but it was the wrong place to be having wet dreams.

Then we had to spend the day dealing with Duane Barry, shit what was you doing letting him take you hostage as he was an ex FBI agent and unbalanced. I wanted you out of there just so I could hold you and let you know that I had deep feelings towards you.

God you had to keep pushing Barry did you have a death wish Fox, he could have killed you. I have so many mixed feelings at this moment as I want you but I am scared of been used, god, and I was terrified of you getting yourself killed in your search for the truth. I understand that saying now I can't live with you and I can't live without you.

I don't want to be your whore or dirty little secret Fox, when I started this diary it was for myself but I now realize that I am writing it for you Fox. However if you ever read it babe it means I will be gone for good or even dead.

Please forgive me, I am so sorry for everything and I'm starting to feel light headed now so I might just go to bed. I just need to sort out my feelings for you and everything else in my life.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I fucked up again because I told Cancerman that Scully might be a problem as the two of you are close. I never knew they would arrange to have her abducted, what made it worse was at that meeting the cancerous bastard just sat watching me at all times. I was afraid to look at you in case he realized something was going on between us.

I felt sorry for you but in some way's I was glad Scully had gone, I could not for the life of me understand what she meant to you. Did you see her as a replacement for your sister Samantha, or was it a lover hell maybe she is just a friend.

You looked so upset Fox like you wanted to give up on everything, that's when I started to think maybe I was your whore and it was just sex, I really don't know anything anymore hell I was a fucked up as a kid and I am an even bigger fucked up adult.

Sometimes I wonder if death would be better than this life, Skinner ordered me to take you home but I knew you would never give up on Scully. You’re one hell of a stubborn man (maybe we are alike in some ways).  
You had to work out where they had taken Scully, Skyland Mountain and once you knew where Barry was going I knew you would follow.

You nearly killed us that day in the car shit Fox you had gone hours without sleep, yet you refused to let me drive.  
You wanted to find Scully, I was given orders not to let you go up that mountain. Yet you never understood did you? If you’d got there in time they would have killed you too.

Shit I had no choice but to hit the tram operator and stop you getting up there, but you fucking twat that you are you had to climb out of the cable car. You would risk everything for Scully even your own life, do you not even care about me or how I would feel. But I was not willing to let you die even if I was just some whore to you.

I did my job Fox you were only concerned about Scully, shit you never even glanced at me. I know that I behave like a spoilt brat who wants you all to myself, but when Scully was gone all your attention shifted to Barry.

You only paid me attention when you needed someone to fuck. I’m ending this entry here before I write something that I will regret later, also I need to be up for work.

XXXXXXXXXX

How life can change in such a short time is beyond me as small events leading to major disaster, chaos rules hey Fox.  
I swear that I never killed Duane Barry or the tram operator but here I am back in the clutches of that smoking bastard. My assignment's over now and he told me I have no right's, I just have to follow his orders.

Skinner had ordered us both to take a lie detector test while you wanted my car keys, you even called me Alex like you had finally noticed me. However there was no way I could let you take that test Fox, you see I never killed Barry hell Fox I was scared that you had done it when you lost control.

I’m nothing Fox, just a nobody and I knew if I just disappeared they would blame me and not you, I made that sacrifice for you babe.

I’m back here as Spender's little whore having his associates fuck my ass just to please them, I want you and only you Fox. I need you, shit I now realize I love you but it's too late after what I have done, shit all the betrayals and I'm alone again.

Fuck now I am crying again, I don't believe I can do this for much longer. I have to lay low for a few months because you all know who I am, but I’m sure Spender won't mind keeping me here and will find plenty for me to do.

I know that I will most probably never see you again not that you would want to see me, hell or ever be near me after what I have done so have a good life my dear Fox and take care. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, I have not written for the past three months as I assumed I could just get on with things, but I miss not writing to you. I guess in a way it makes me feel close to you, you most probably think that I’m a big baby well sorry but it's just how I feel. Three months of been nothing but a whore yet again, made to feel like nothing.

I can't stop crying when all of those men fuck me, that black lunged bastard say's that I’m pathetic and soon won't even be good enough as a whore.  
Cancerman has notified me that he has a special job for me, not involving sex so that's something, he said that I will be told what to do soon, great I don't even know what he wants well it's late babe, and I am fucked, talk soon xx

XXXXXXXXXX

The smoking bastard fuckin knows about me and you I swear, I bet he enjoyed giving me this job. My job is to kill William Mulder, father of one Fox Mulder the man I love.

Shit I am totally losing it here and I can't even sit still. How the hell can I kill your father, I have already betrayed you Fox but that would be an ultimate betrayal?

When judgment day comes I will go to hell for all my sins, I bet you already wish I was there Fox. I only have a few days' before I am supposed to assassinate him.

Fuck I can't do it to you, I'm sat here writing this to you and trying to calm myself down as I can't stop crying anymore. One mistake I made Fox and it ruined my entire life. I’m going to drink a whole bottle of vodka and take a trip into oblivion, try and just blot everything out.

Hell I'm not a player Fox I am just a fuckin puppet dangling on a fine wire. Well, I have drank half the bottle of vodka fuck it the drink has given me some courage, I know Cancerman's away for a few days so I’m going to see what I can find out around here.

I need answers and at this point if one of his goons were to offer me a bullet believe me, I would gladly accept it. Well, I'm back babe and god my cock's rock hard from all the excitement, or maybe it was thinking about you that did it. Anyway I managed to retrieve some files but I will need to be sober up to sort them out.

As I have nothing to do I might as well deal with my cock instead, I stroke it imagining it's your hand and not my own. Your lips are against me shit I really need to feel and taste you babe, suddenly your hard cock's nudging the entrance to my ass then you enter me hard, that's as far as I got babe before I came all over my hand.

I’m going to get some sleep and then when my head clears I will read the files I stole. I will dream of you and the good times xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

God I can't believe some of the stuff I am reading, I believe the cancerous bastard has files on everyone. I am sorry babe but William Mulder was no saint and shit your father's one of them Fox. William Mulder worked for the consortium and if I am correct he had something to do with Samantha's disappearance.

I have been reading for a few hours now shit one thing really scares me, the smoking man's real name is C.G.B Spender, father of Jeffery Spender and Samantha Mulder, it also states that he is the potential father of Fox Mulder.

Please god no you can't be related to someone as evil as him. Fuck I want you Fox so much and I miss you, and you holding me hell I have had enough of everything.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m sorry that I never wrote anymore yesterday, I was so pissed when I went to get the files I forgot about cameras.

Spender's men retrieved the files then beat the shit out of me. Now it's not just my heart that hurt's Fox as my body is battered and bruised, also I still have to face Spender knowing that he will kill me for stealing the files.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, it has been three day's and I’m sorry that I was unable to write anything. Spender's still away but he still gave his order's on what my punishment was to be.

I have spent the last three day's cuffed to a bed and raped repeatedly. Shit I had a cock up my ass I also had one in my mouth while they beat me and made me scream and scream.

I had to lay there bruised sore and totally embarrassed while they shoved their cocks in and out of my abused body. Hell they even took all my clothes away and left me naked for three days.

I know that I’m scum and deserve whatever I get, but I’m so tired. God they would not even let me sleep for long, I overheard them saying that Spender will arrange something worse if I don't learn to behave, shit I was only fourteen when they made me their whore.

All I want is to feel needed by someone who cares and to be held by someone who loves me. I watch you at times Fox, I keep my distance as I know you hate me now. However in my dreams and fantasies you love me, I guess that I live in a dream world more than reality.

 Reality is nothing more than a cold dark place for me. I need sleep now my sweet Fox, I will dream of me and you in love and sharing a life together.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well the day has finally come, the day I never wanted to arrive. Today I am to assassinate William Mulder and hell I don't even know how I plan to get out of doing it.

I still keep an eye on you babe but I swear you really do have a death wish, shit you just throw yourself into anything even if it could result in your death. Why do you do it Fox do you really hate the life you have so much, I would love to see you smile more than you do?

Fuck it, I love you Fox and always remember that but I refuse to kill your father, I will think of something babe.

I have found out that they have been drugging your water supply as they plan to make you angry and violent, it's a set up babe and they plan to make it look like you killed your own father.

I heard about you hitting Skinner today and I’m left wondering was that brave or stupid Fox. I know it's the drugs, but I won't let them hurt you.  
Well, it's time to go now but I will let you know how I get on.

 Shit if it all goes wrong and this diary end's I guess they ended my life, shit I know that I am waffling on and trying to put it off. I pray that I will get through this, even if it's just to see your gorgeous face again xxxxxxx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, it's the morning after and I'm still alive. I’m so sorry babe but before I left I found out that they had bugged your father’s house, shit if he had told you anything at all my orders was to kill you both.

It was the two of you or just your father, I had to kill him before he told you anything. I know you will hate me now but hell I love you Fox, God how could I kill you.

You see if they had done it they would have just killed you both. If you ever read this Fox I bet you assume that I am one sick fucked up bastard, hell Fox maybe I am just that.

What can I say as I did it and I’m sorry, but William Mulder was a murderer of thousands of innocent people?

I’m going to get some food and sleep as tonight I plan to find out if you’re okay babe. I know I will have to keep my distance and not let you see me but it will be worth it just to know that you are safe.

I could just end my own life now but I will find a way out of all this I swear. However you are still in danger Fox, they know about the data tape you have and believe me they do not care about you xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Well last night never went to plan at all, shit I only went to see if you were okay, but you had to see me Fox. I could not believe you punched me that much and you were even going to kill me, but you even had to make Scully shoot you. I deserved that bullet Fox not you, I swear I would never hurt you or hit you back.

Fuck now all I can do is wait but at least I know Scully will look after you. My life is falling apart, and I know Spender's back in the morning great not like I’m looking forward to seeing him.

XXXXXXXXXX

Spender returned he said I had been punished already for stealing the files, but shit now I was to be punished for coming to see you.

I was dragged kicking and screaming into that room, fuck I tried to put up a fight as they tied me up. I took the beating shit every time that whip hit me I wanted to scream but I remained silent, that was until Spender took great pleasure notifying me of your death. I lost it and screamed shit the pain was far worse than the whip.

Please, god no I can't imagine a life without you. Shit at least following you and just getting to see you now and again gave me a reason to live but now I have nothing, okay I lied, I have just one thing to live for then I will end my sad pathetic life, revenge.

I swear here and now I will get revenge for your death, I feel empty and want to die but if I end my life now Spender wins.

I know you will never read this diary now but it gives me comfort writing it, it's like you're still around and I know that I am pathetic however I no longer care.

Spender's getting well pissed off with me now, he says that whores don't cry. I'm sorry Fox but I can't stand all them men touching me for their pleasure, so I lay there thinking about you and yes I cry for what could have been.

Fuck Spender fuck everyone, I really need to get away from everything, I love you my sweet Fox.

XXXXXXXXXX

I swear that I’m going mad, I drank a lot babe now I am sitting here crying yet again. I read the files Fox and Spender is your father after all, the bastard murdered his own son to cover up his lies and now I have to wait and see what he has planned for me.

I want you Fox, god how it hurts I can't cope feeling like this knowing that I am never going to see you again, hell or even feel your hands on me. Even if it was just to hurt me, I don't even know how to mourn you or say goodbye and I must find a way to let you go but I am not willing just yet, I just want to be close to you Fox. I will talk later babe if I can xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I found a way to be close babe and I have spent the last day at your apartment. I sat there on your couch and slept on the bed we once shared, I fell asleep holding one of your t shirts babe. I kept expecting you to just walk through the door and hold me or hit me, believe me I would have accepted either. I did have to hide once as I guess Scully came to see if all was okay and feed the fish.

The atmosphere was so relaxed at your apartment, but now that I’m back here all that has changed. I know Spender watches me I assume he's waiting for me to fuck up again.

I’m going out soon babe as I plan to get a safety deposit box somewhere. If Spender found this diary he would kill me for sure. However I know at this point he's putting the pressure on Skinner, he wants that data tape back and will kill anyone to get it.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I now know what Spender has planned for me, he wants me to kill Scully but not alone as he plans to send Cardinal with me, shit I know the man has a reputation for been trigger happy.

First your father then you now Scully, he really has it in for me and I swear he knew I loved you and still do. I am who I am but I will not kill her Fox, I know she means so much to you so I will have to find a way to warn her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Shit that trigger happy bastard opened fire the minute she walked in and she never stood a bloody chance. However what made it far worse was the fact that he killed the wrong person, it was not even Dana Scully it was her sister Melisa.

It's all gone to hell and many innocent people are dying on account of that black lunged bastard. I have no idea if what they injected me with still works, hell maybe I should fight back if I die so be it but I refuse to kill anyone again for him, hell I don't even want to be a part of it.

I already killed your father and it was my fault Scully shot you and took you to Mexico, shit the place where you were to die and now I could not even save Melisa Scully. Fuck this I need to go out and be alone.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’ve transferred all of my notes into a safety deposit box at a bank, from this point on I will have to write so much then add it to the rest then at least that way it will be safe. I need to find a way out of this mess babe, shit I need to really think.

XXXXXXXXXX

God I am so happy babe, I have just overheard the news that you're alive Fox so now my life has a meaning. I know you will always hate me but I never wanted you dead. I plan to stay away from you Fox and I know it will be hard, hell maybe I should just go away for a while.

I will carry on this diary for you Fox now that you're alive, but like I said before you will only read it if I'm gone or dead. Now that I know you are alive I have given the bank new orders babe, if the bank does not hear from me and a year passes they are to give a key to you. I need that year Fox to make sure that I am no longer in the land of the living.

XXXXXXXXXX

Therefore you see babe I sorted out the diary for you, and I know that you're still alive so now I guess it's time to sort out my own future or fate.  
Spender knows that Skinner has the data tape and my job's to retrieve it at any cost, I swear Fox that I will do my best to make sure that there are no more deaths.

XXXXXXXXXX

Spender sent three of us to get the tape and we cornered Skinner in the hospital stairwell. I had to punch him repeatedly to save his life please believe me Fox Skinner would have died otherwise. I know you will not see it that way, I bet you just think I got pleasure out of doing it well I fuckin never okay?.

Skinner was not the only one to get fucked over Fox as Spender had also planned to kill me. Shit he had a bomb planted in the car and I was to go up in smoke along with the data tape, shit I was so scared I just ran and ran.  
I ended up at the airport babe knowing that I had to get away, I never even cared where I went.

I have some people who might help me but my mouth always gets the better of me so friends are limited. Do you know babe that I phoned that cancerous bastard from the airport to tell him that I was still alive, I know I should have left it but I was well pissed off?

XXXXXXXXXX

I’ve ended up in Hong Kong babe with very little money so I plan to sell the information on the data tape, I know that the tape holds secrets on it so maybe I might make plenty of money and piss Spender off at the same time.

I have no idea how long I will stay here or if we will ever see each other again, I will try from time to time to find out if you're okay, I love you Fox now and always.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m finding it hard here babe as it's been a few weeks now and I am still waiting for the tape to be translated. Believe me Fox I am running out of money fast, I never go anywhere except when I am running or hiding like a bloody wild animal.

I have no one babe shit all I want is someone here to love and hold me, great now I am depressing myself. Well what do I have to look forward too as I believe that I will die sad and alone, but you're no better than me are you Fox what do you have in life? Do you ever want to be held kissed and loved? Not that you would ever want me anymore but hell you're gorgeous so why spend your life alone?

Sorry if I am starting to bore you babe but I am in the middle of Hong Kong and all alone, I have feelings  too Fox. I know that you think I'm cold and hard, but I am a man with feelings and most of what you see is an act. I have to act hard to stay alive as it gets harder and harder.

Fuck I think about you and get a hard on, the joys of life and been single I get to jerk off yet again. I just remember you holding me babe god knows when I became so needy, I just want you here now fucking me repeatedly forcing me to scream. I always come fast babe when I think of us together.

Believe me Fox I am no virgin, but with you it was so different you held me in your arms and cared. Shit every other man that had sex with me raped me and it was never by choice except with you.

Did you really care about me Fox or was I just some quick fuck and a whore, I really hope you felt something for me back then?

Maybe one day I might get over you, I want to go back to Russia as I would like to pay my respects to my family.  I’m so glad my family never saw what I became, I might even find Nikolai there and see what became of him.

Apart from you babe Nick was the only other man that cared about me, and at one time I felt very close to him. Maybe if he had left Russia with me things could have been different not that I can change that now.

Well, this must be the longest entry in this diary so far and I need to go out and get some money. Hell if I get desperate maybe I can whore myself (bad joke babe sorry).

I was never a whore Fox it was rape, even a criminal profiler like you should know the difference but that's not your concern is it. I'm going now to check the data tape and post this then I plan to get pissed. So goodbye for now babe, talk soon xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Great they have finally managed to decode some of the data tape, at least I will be okay for money for some time and I get to piss off that cancerous bastard at the same time I know that you would not approve but I do what I have to, it keeps me alive for now anyway.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, it has been quite a few months since I last wrote anything. However it all went wrong and the months ended up been long and hard ones, I guess it will just piss you off that I am still alive.

I could not believe that the information I sold led to so many deaths, fuck I swear babe that I never knew about the black oil.

Out of all the FBI agents that could have turned up in Hong Kong it had to be you, shit it was the biggest shock of my life to see you there.  
I had to run Fox god I just panicked and you could not leave it and let me go could you. Hell you even knew that I would go to the airport and try leaving, but how the hell did you get there before me?

I realized that when you pinned me up against the payphones your cock was rock hard Fox, fuck you were beating me up yet I was happy that I could still turn you on, god how I wanted to kiss you as you came close to me.

I knew that I would never have you god I even begged you to finish it and end my, but you were not willing to oblige. I had decided to give you that tape Fox and tell you everything that I knew, but I swear if there is a god he must really hate me.

I wanted to tell you everything babe my past and how much I loved you. However what did I get, fuckin invaded that's what a fucking alien for crying out loud, a stupid dumb fuckin alien that took my unwilling body back to that cancerous black lunged bastard.

I could see and feel but had no control over my own actions, but Spender was the last person on earth I ever wanted to see again. Did you not realize Fox that I was a wreck in that airport shit I was struggling not to cry or fall apart, yet I walked out of that bathroom calm and relaxed?

You're a bright boy Fox so I am sure you managed to work it out later.  
We got in that rental car and you pointed a gun at me while the alien read my thoughts Fox, I begged it not to hurt you but it knew from my memory and thoughts that I was in love with you.

I'm tired babe and I need to sleep when I can as I wake up so many times screaming, Sorry I have not told you about the silo yet well after some sleep I promise I will tell you all about it, goodnight babe xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I managed to get a few hours’ sleep babe so back to what I was telling you. Spender took me to the silo that contained the alien ship knowing what the alien had wanted, he left me there to die locked in with that thing.

I screamed for you babe, the beatings the rapes all of it I took but this I could not handle. The oil poured from my eyes my nose everywhere, while all I wanted was to die and it all to end. Reality sank in Fox, the alien had left my body but I was trapped in the silo with it.

I screamed and screamed I tore at the walls until my hands bled, do you know what scared me the most the thought of never seeing you again.  
I had no idea how long I was in that silo but I ended up passing out due to lack of food and water, I really believed that I was going to die in there.

 I woke sometime later to find the ship gone and the door was open so I crawled out not even knowing where I was, Later I was found by some militia group and they took me in and fed me until I regained my strength.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well it's another day babe, I decided to stay where I am for a while as I want to figure out a way of seeing you, well without you killing me that is.  
The only good thing I have in my favor’s the fact that Spender believes I'm dead, I have contacts watching you for me they are also trying to locate Nikolai for me. I’m really missing you babe more than words can say, take care love Alex xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I know it has been a while, shit I am getting lazy yet I never seem to have time to write anymore, so I will be good and let you know what's going on.  
I found out that Nick's still alive and is now part of the KGB, I don't want to betray you babe but I feel like I am anyway.

Nick is the only link I have left with my past and I now speak to him most evenings on the phone. He's single but had a few long term relationships and he wants me to visit him sometime. I would like to see you babe just one more time then hell I might just go as there's nothing in D.C anymore for me.

I have told Nick that I am also single but in love with you, he believes that I should move on in life and accept what will never be, hell maybe he's right.  
For now I will stay here as I want to be close to you and like I said I want to see you again even if it's just once more.

I love you Fox but I am becoming more and more depressed, shit I can't take much more of this. There are only two things I need to know before I die, if you ever loved me and if you suppose you can ever forgive me Fox.

At this moment I’m still physically weak from the lack of food but I’m also mentally weak, fuck I wake up at least once a night screaming and genuinely believing that I am still trapped in that silo alone.

XXXXXXXXXX

It's been a few weeks babes, god I am still having the nightmares also I still speak to Nick on the phone most nights. I have become so weak and needy that I phone him after every nightmare, he tries his hardest to calm me down and it seems to help having someone there for me.

I need to be loved Fox just to know someone's there for me and at this point Nikolai is my one and only strength in life. I am sorry that it can't be you Fox and never will be xxx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I believe that Nick and I are becoming very close friends, I now talk to him every night on the Internet and he has sent me some photos of himself. Nikolai's still very handsome even better looking than he was, but don't worry babe it's your photo that I sleep with and take everywhere with me. Then again with my track record maybe you should worry.

I have rented a small apartment it's not much and only has a bed PC and a few clothes, as I have to be prepared to leave quick should the need arise. I just live on takeaways and vodka I get by here it’s just lonely on my own. I need to see you and I know that it will be dangerous coming close to you, but I feel like I have no choice Fox.

XXXXXXXXXX

I did it babe and I know that you will hate me, but I paid a visit to your apartment. I’m sorry but I also bugged it while I was there. I don't mean you any harm babe and I just want to be close, hopefully you won't notice the t shirt I stole while I was there as it smells of you Fox so I sleep with it at night. I know it might sound pathetic to you but it helps me sleep.

I have placed three cameras in your apartment, one facing your shower, the living room and the bedroom. I know that you are away on a case so I will just have to wait for you to return home.

I have spent the remainder of the night talking to Nikolai, I’m now going to bed to dream of you.

XXXXXXXXXX

Two whole days I waited for you to return home Fox then I watched you as you entered your apartment, you threw your bags down and lay on the couch and shit within minutes you were fast asleep. I just sat watching you god you looked so relaxed, at least I know the camera in the living room works.

You finally woke over three hours later, fuck do you know how easy it was to jerk off watching you shower and change. You are gorgeous babe, yet you ignored your own hard cock god how I wanted to fuck you so hard until you came.

You look so sad and lonely, hell Fox why don't you ever go out and get a life. No on second thoughts scrap that idea and don't bother, if you found someone I would have to kill them. I am so sorry Fox and I really want to see you happy but I can't cope with the thought of you with someone else.

God some other bloke holding you and kissing you, no I don't even want to have those thoughts right now.

You put on a video and lay back on the couch in your boxers, I could see the bulge even before you pulled it out, fuck your cock’s huge babe. I sat and jerked myself off as I watched you do the same, I wish it was my mouth around your cock fuck if I was there I would fuck your sexy ass with my tongue then I would force my own hard cock so far up your pretty ass you would scream out.

Well, it was good for me babe but I would love to know what you think about when you come, oh well you just lay there and fell back asleep.  
I have switched off the cameras, I am going to bed now babe, I love you xx.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Once I had really thought we could sort out our differences but that was before the alien in Hong Kong, I sit here now trying to work out how to see you again babe.  
I’m working with a militia group only because they found me in North Dakota, also it’s not like I have anyone else that I could go anyway.

I know that they are planning to set off a bomb and the result will be many innocent deaths, I have decided to send you the receipts Fox, I hope it will assist you and that you manage to stop them.

Well, the day has arrived and I have decided to go along with them, I know that I will be taking one hell of a chance as when I’m around you it always seems to end in pain. Well for me that is but I really need to see you babe so I will take it if I have to.

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay it has been quite a few months since the time I spent with you. I’m left here wondering if things can get any worse, I have a lot to talk about babe as I now find myself writing to you from fuckin Russia.

Sorry I forgot that you already know where you left me. That day I had no choice but to shoot the truck driver, at least it saved many lives but then I had to come face to face with you again.

You hit me and fuckin arrested me, do you really feel nothing towards me, you must really hate me now Fox. Shit you could not get rid of me fast enough could you babe, out of all the people in the world you had to dump me on Skinner.

Did Skinner ever tell you what happened after you left me there, I doubt it? He came out on the balcony Fox and beat shit in to me, do you know that I could live with the pain but it was his words that hurt the most.

I sat on that balcony freezing to death, but Skinner had already told me that I was a worthless piece of shit not fit to even live in society. I knew when that man broke into Skinners apartment that it was me or him, I knew he would kill me so I acted first.

It was hard climbing over that balcony, but it was far harder to put all my faith into a pair of FBI cuffs. You had to be the one to come and get me yet you seemed to take great pleasure removing them cuffs, it never bothered you that my wrist was red raw.

You were bothered more by my haircut, maybe one day I might work out how you think but I seriously doubt it. You had nowhere to take me except back to your apartment, which was when my life fell apart Fox.

We had only been there for a few minutes, hell you dragged me into the bedroom and cuffed me to the fuckin bed that was before you punched me hard.

I’m still here I just needed a stiff drink before I could continue, you pulled down my jeans and boxers shit you raped me Fox.  
Do you remember all the names you called me because I will never forget, you forced yourself into me hard calling me a whore and a slut until you came?

I knew I was nothing anymore to anyone, you then un cuffed me and forced me at gun point into the shower. You even stayed and watched me, I always wanted you Fox but not like this.

I sank to my knees sobbing but all I got was you yanking me up by my hair, you told me to shut the fuck up and take what I deserved. I saw you staring at all the scars and bruises but you never asked how I had got them (not that you would have believed me anyway).

The scars Fox are what I received for failing to kill you and Scully, also some of them I got for not been a good little whore. As for the bruises well I had Skinner to thank for them, I seem to just keep taking the beatings from everyone no matter what I do.

Even after you dragged me to Marita's then returned to the car you punched me and knocked me out. Shit does it turn you on or something to keep hitting a man who's cuffed and can't hit back, not that I would ever hit you.

I know you planned to just leave me there in the airport you really would have left me cuffed Fox, you never even came back because you loved me, shit after I spoke in Russian you just used me to get what you wanted.

I must admit on the plane you at least spoke to me civil it felt like old times babe. I went out of my way to help you, I even managed to find us a lift but I never thought we would get caught and I wanted to cry when I saw that they had beaten you. I had to leave you in that cell babe, I knew that I had to find Nick as he could help us get back to the USA.

Everything went to plan Nick had offered to cover for us claiming that I was a KGB Agent, ten more minutes and we would have been on our way home, but you never trusted me not that I can blame you for that. Hell you even had to take me with you, I knew you were struggling with the brakes and I had no choice but to jump. I found myself in the woods babe and managed to get the peasants to help me out.

I never knew until it was late just what their idea of helping would involve.  
In my line of work I’m a very light sleeper, shit I have to be but I was so tired and I woke to a small noise. But it was already too late they held me down Fox and hacked off my left arm with a red hot knife, I screamed and after the pain became unbearable I blacked out and I remembered very little for some time.

Well I am off to bed now, shit I have even worse nightmares than before now. Yet I still love you despite everything that’s happened to me xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Sorry Fox but I needed sleep, well I had managed to tell you about losing my arm and passing out. I awoke sometime later to find myself in a hospital and it was comforting to see Nick by my side, they had managed to patch up my arm and give me Med's for the pain.

I still have strange feelings at times like my arms still there, but they did all they could for me they even measured me up for an artificial arm, not that I would be able to wear one for a few months.

XXXXXXXXXX

I have moved in with Nick as he's the only person I trust and feel safe with here in Russia, it's very quiet but at least I can call it home for some time.  
Even though I do feel guilty at times, I Sleep in the spare room but still manage to wake him with my screaming but he holds me Fox and strokes my hair until I fall asleep.

I am confused at this moment and don't know what Nick wants, he came in my room again last night as I would not stop screaming, but it felt different as he kissed me on the lips then he left, shit I was fourteen the last time we kissed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Nick never mentioned the kiss the next day but I found myself wanting to be kissed by him, out of the blue he came over to me and kissed me and I kissed him back Fox then I clung to him. I hate it back in Russia as I have good memories and bad ones, but I do know that I don't want to be here alone.

I still love you babe but I need the contact and Nick treats me fine, he keeps telling me that I’m a gorgeous person. I guess that I need this right now someone wanting me. However believe me I feel anything but gorgeous, shit I only have one fuckin arm babe so how can I turn anyone on anymore especially someone like you?

XXXXXXXXXX

I know that I have not written for a few months, but I heard that you made it back to DC in one piece (lucky you). I wish I could find a way back myself, but Nick has told me that he loves me and wants me to stay here with him.

I don't love Nick babe I love you, I do have feelings for him and I care a lot about him, god my intention was never to hurt him. I told him at the beginning that I was in love with you, however I guess along the way the idiot fell in love with me.

I now share a bedroom with Nick don't get me wrong here, he grew to be a handsome man and taller than me he has black hair and gorgeous eyes. We have fooled around a bit and kissed we have even given each other the odd blow job, but I won't let him fuck me babe as I believe that's a sign of a deeper relationship.

XXXXXXXXXX

I seem to piss everyone off sooner or later but I have no idea what I’m supposed to have done this time. Nick has spent the last two days avoiding me and when I see him he's crying and won't tell me why. He has even moved into the spare room, I guess that whatever I did hurt him a lot as he won't even come when I have a nightmare.

Maybe he has realized just how repulsive I am, well I suppose that I had better go see if he will talk to me yet, that's if he will even open the bedroom door to me.  
Talk soon babe xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Hi Fox, I know it's been a few days but I have been in bed ill, shit well maybe not ill just hurt. I finally got Nick to open the bedroom door but I never stood a chance as I was not expecting the reaction I got. Shit Nikolai grabbed me and threw me to the floor where he proceeded to kick hell in to me, then he sat over me and tried to strangle me as he slammed my head on to the hard floor.

I did this and brought it all on myself and I should never have stayed knowing he loved me, he found the diary Fox and read it all. He knew that I only loved you and was staying for the company and nothing more.  
I will never forget the look of hate in his eyes as he had his hands around my throat, he told me that I was a whore and belonged to him, he then let go of me and left me there on the floor.

When I finally woke I had one hell of a headache and just crawled in to bed.  
I haven’t seen Nikolai since that day babe, shit I don't even know where he went as this is his home.

I always fuck up wherever I go and end up alone, do you believe it's possible to love two people at once Fox. God I think that I love Nikolai but in a different way to how I love you, I miss him and want him here with me despite the beating I took, I swear that I am slowly going mad.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had decided to try and find Nikolai as I had to know where he had gone, I tried everywhere then I decided to check out all the hospitals. Fuck I’m to blame for all of this every fucking last bit of it.

I found him babe in a hospital but he refuses to see me at all, but from what I have been told he was pulled out of the river unconscious and they have no idea if it was an accident or attempted suicide.

Shit all the pain and hurt everyone suffered always came down to me, Nick had loved me and I made him beat me and try to end his own life.  
I need him to talk to me as I have realized that I love him so much, yet I still love you babe maybe I am fucked up but please forgive me for loving Nikolai.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had to wait another four days before he would see me, he was coming home and wanted me to move out. Nikolai said that he would end up killing me or himself, hell he even said he might kill both of us. Nikolai says that he loves me but it hurts too much to be around me, he really believes that I just used him.

Well, I decided to take a chance babe and tell him about my life since I left Russia, I told him everything including the rapes and beatings, even the killings that I am responsible for.

I told him that I would always love you, but I had realized that I really do love him too. So he has asked me to stay here with him please be happy for me because right now I feel at peace with everything. Bye for now babe xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

It has been a while Fox, me and Nikolai are really happy together and have a serious relationship including sex. It’s good not to be used or raped anymore, he wishes that he had never let me go alone all that time ago.

We are in love and things are finally looking up, you're beautiful Fox do you know that, I love Nick and care deeply for him but you I love and idolize babe.

I know that you will never love me or even kiss me again, so maybe it's time to move on maybe if I stay in Russia it might make things easier without you. I want to give one hundred percent to Nikolai as I believe that he deserves it.

Nikolai gets upset easy and I don't want to hurt him anymore so I have no idea if I will ever write in this diary again. Maybe it all ends here babe and I finally let you go, I really hope you find someone that you can love and be happy with deep down I will always wish that it had been me. Goodbye Fox xxxx

  
XXXXXXXXXX

Well here I am again Fox I don't seem to be able to forget you, hell I tried but that was before I was left with nothing. Everything went to hell babe Nikolai has gone and its hard here in Russia alone, I do what I have to just to survive.

Nikolai had been part of the KGB and all I know is that one night some men broke in and grabbed him, I tried to stop them but they knocked me out and I am left not knowing anything as usual.

It has been two weeks now since that night, I know that there's a very high probability he's dead. Well they do say that you reap what you sow, most probably everything I sowed was evil and hateful.

  
I’m sorry babe if I am going on a bit but I really want him here with me, I'm hurting Fox and hate this not knowing one way or the other. I know that I myself am at risk the longer I stay in Russia, and I will need to find a way back to D.C.

Don't worry babe if I ever make it back I will stay away from you, shit I love two people, ones missing and the other hates me. I am so tired and alone again, I just wish I could cope with all this but I can't.

It's getting harder to post this to D.C. as I have to watch my back, I plan to work for the KGB until I can find a way out at least I might be safe for now.  
Goodbye for now babe, if I survive and make it back I will talk then as I don't want anyone else to read this. Talk soon I hope love always babe. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay I know that I said I would wait until I left Russia but I am so lonely babe, I take all the orders that I’m given and behave yet no one will tell me about Nikolai.

I'm going mad here and can't stand it as the weeks are turning into months. At least they trust me enough and I now have some authority here, not that I want it but it might help when the time comes to leave. I’m going out Fox to get drunk, hell you never know I might even drink myself to death. Sorry just pissed off babe xxx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Its morning babe and I have one hell of a hangover, I also have a confession to make Fox. I left home last night and went to a bar shit I drank more vodka than I care to remember about. Then I fucked up yet again, I woke up in bed with someone babe shit it was a young woman I'm gay god, I must have been drunk. I don't even know if anything happened as I remember nothing, shit I just got up and left.

I see the girl in the cafe a lot, I guess that I should stop acting like a coward and face her even if something happened it's you I love babe.

I must have needed someone last night and if I can't remember it can't have meant much. I want you here Fox to hold and kiss you, I bet when you got out of Russia you prayed that I was dead, but what else I can expect. Alex Krycek the biggest fuck up walking.

XXXXXXXXXX

I have contacts in D.C. babe, and I heard about Scully, I’m so sorry but I swear that I never knew that everything would lead to what it has.  
That cancerous bastard should rot in hell for what he has done, I know that Scully means everything to you and I pray that she manages to fight the cancer.

I wish for everyone's sake that I had the guts to fight Spender, but I am one man babe abused and no longer whole, she deserves to live more than I do.  
I'm out of the loop here Fox and have no idea what the consortium are up to, I guess that's the only positive thing about been here I'm no longer their whore.

I bet you suppose I am pathetic, and I’m truly sorry for all the whining but I just wanted a normal life babe. However the day I got into that black lunged bastards car I blew it big time.

I’m going to bed now to dream about you making love to me, goodnight my sweet xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I went for a coffee and breakfast this morning, hell I just needed to get out.  
She was there Fox the girl that I spent the night with, I was leaving just as she entered. I gave her my address and told her to come over later as we need to talk, now I might find out if anything happened that night.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well babe she kept her promise and turned up last night, her name’s Anouska but everyone just calls her Anna.

We had a long talk and seem to have a lot in common she is really friendly, and yes we did have sex that night but she claims that I kept calling her Fox for some reason.

At least we both know where we stand as Anna knows that I am gay, she even mentioned something about the good looking ones were always gay or married.

We have moved on and accepted that it was a drunken mistake, but we plan to stay in touch and remain friends. I have told Anna a lot about my past and I suppose she feels sorry for me, but I need a friend right now.  
I still have no news about Nikolai and still no way back to D.C. It’s not just getting out of Russia that's the problem, I also need some way of blackmailing the consortium to guarantee my safety back there.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, it's been two weeks and still no news about Nikolai, and I'm still stuck here. Anna and I have spent a lot of time together, just talking and going for coffee at least it gives me something to do.

I still have times when I get really depressed, the nights have become hard on me as I still have the nightmares god how I hate waking up alone.  
I have already told Anna that I plan to leave Russia in the very near future, we have decided to remain friends when I leave and at least we can talk on the phone or Internet. I’m really pleased we have become friends at least something good came out of our night together.

XXXXXXXXXX

We spent the day shopping babe not that I need anything as I know I will end up leaving in a hurry, but it was a pleasant day out. I still want to leave here and the longer I stay the more I feel trapped.

I’m going out for a meal with Anna tomorrow so at least it's something to look forward to, also it takes my mind off things going on around here.  
As for tonight I’m on my own and getting drunk, then I will jerk off thinking about you babe.

I still love you so much and I don't blame you for raping me or anything, I brought it all on myself the day I betrayed you. God I just realized do you even know if I'm still alive, you did leave Russia without me.  
Well I can't change the past babe, talk soon.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well today never went according to plan as I’m sat here all alone, just me and a bottle of vodka for company (shit I should slow down on the alcohol) but I am just so lonely and bored. Anna was ill, she could not make it for the meal we planned I hope she's okay?

In a way Anna feels like a sister to me maybe I’m just trying to replace my own family, but that's something we do have in common as you also know how it feels to lose a sister. I feel for you babe at least I know what happened to mine. I would have gone mad not knowing what had become of my family.

The vodka has started to really kick in now, so I will apologies if my writing becomes worse or I start repeating myself.

You think that I am filth don't you Fox, poor Alex Krycek turned out to be a cold blooded killer well you are so wrong, you don't know everything Fox. I bet you don't know how it feels to have your fuckin arm hacked off while your awake or have some bastard shove his cock deep inside you until it tears your ass apart.

Shit please forgive me babe I am so sorry, I think that I need to sober up before I write anymore.  
Bye babe xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m all alone again babe I guess even Anna got fed up with me, it's been over a week and I have not heard anything from her.  
I sit here wondering why I put myself through all this, truth be told, I guess that I am just a coward I can't even end my own sad pathetic life. I'm not staying in tonight, I have decided to go out and get pissed. Talk soon.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I went out last night babe but I came home early, shit I must have pissed someone off as a group of blokes kept giving me dirty looks, I swear babe that I have done nothing wrong. I have decided to stay in for a few nights, for all I know they might be planning to make me disappear like Nikolai.

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I need to start this entry babe by telling you about the past few days. I have been in hospital, I told you about the night I went out and how I was watched, well the following night the same men broke into my apartment.

I never stood a chance as there were six of them shit and I only have one fuckin arm, well now I also have a broken rib and lots of cuts and bruises.  
They never even told me what I had done wrong they just beat me and left.

I swear to god here and now, if I am not out of here in the next two weeks I will take my own life before someone else has the pleasure. Goodnight Fox xxx

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It's been a quiet day babe I spent most of it asleep, I want to be well when I leave here. I know that I will have to leave Russia still not knowing anything regarding Nikolai, maybe one day I might find out something.

I have found out that Anna’s okay she phoned me to say she has been ill, also she told me that we need to talk. I have invited her over tomorrow we will have a drink and a talk then.

I can't believe that I am tired again, I love you babe but I need more sleep. Xx

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I'm lost Fox shit I am so out of my depth here, fuck why does everything always happen to me. I guess that I should explain from the beginning, that way you might just understand what the hell I am going on about.

Anna kept her promise babe and she came to see me tonight, the look of shock on her face as she saw the state of me. Then she told me that she could not believe her own brothers would do that, I had to ask her what the hell she was going on about.

Well it turns out that all six of the men that beat me are her brothers, Anna is the youngest and only girl in a family of seven children.

I asked her why and what the hell I’d done to them? Do you know what she said, apparently I had taken advantage of her and stole her virginity. Anna had told them I was drunk so she was more to blame than me, after they found out Anna's news they said I deserved a beating.

Do you know what news they had found out Fox, their dear darling little sister's going to be a mum she's over a month pregnant with my baby?

I just started drinking and told her that I needed time for it to sink in, she plans to come back in a couple of days to talk not like I’ll know what to say. Maybe after some sleep things will look better, but I seriously doubt it. Xxx

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Okay I’m sober now but none the wiser, shit Anna never even told me if she plans to keep it or not. I’m not father material Fox and I never will be as I have enough problems of my own, the baby doesn’t deserve the likes of me as a father anyway.

I really don't know what to do and I don't even have anyone to talk to, I suppose that I will have to wait and talk it over with Anna. Xxx

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Anna came to see me Fox and she plans to keep the baby, I have tried to explain to her that I am not fit to be a father. Anna says that she will bring it up on her own but she believes I am a better person than I think I am, but she won't force me into anything.

We have agreed to remain friends despite everything, I’ve told her that once she has the baby that I will send money every month as I know it will be hard bringing up a baby alone in Russia.

I must be going soft, I have promised Anna that I will return once the baby's born just to see it at least once, and hell it would be nice to know what sex it is. Anna wants me to put my name on the birth certificate as she says the baby has a right to know later in life who its father is, just to keep the peace I have agreed to this.

I have given Anna some money to help during the pregnancy, I have some money in DC but what I have now I plan to use to get out of here. Xxxx

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The clock's ticking babe, only one more week before I leave or die. If I can't get out of Russia I plan to transfer all my savings into a bank account for Anna and my child.

It still feels rather strange, I started having feelings towards men when I was fourteen so I guess that I had never thought about children. Also not with the life I now have, I believe some things are just meant to be and are beyond our control. Bye babe xxx

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I’m back at work now and I know Russia have a vaccine for the black oil, god knows if it works. Not that anything matters as it's all gone to hell now anyway.

I have spent the day looking at burnt bodies, all alien abductee's and all dead. Well maybe not all as I found a boy alive named Dmitri, I know this might sound sick to you Fox but I need him to see if I can bribe my way out of here.

I gather that the consortium know about this as Marita Covarrubias showed up in Russia. Sorry I almost forgot you never knew that she works for the consortium, UN peace worker my ass. She works for that cancerous bastard and she's a first class fuckin bitch, Marita will do anything for them or herself.

The faceless rebels are responsible for all the deaths and not just here as I found out about the deaths in the U.S. Well I guess as I'm writing this you have no idea who the rebels are, you will find out babe sooner or later I promise. That's why you piss the consortium off Fox, they dislike how close to the truth you have come babe.

Hang in there Fox, don't let any of them grind you down, believe me you are needed in the fight for the future. Xxx

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I have the boy safe Fox and I believe that I might just make it back to DC after all. I plan to spend a couple of days with Anna just catching up on the gossip, also to see if anyone mentions Nikolai.  
Talk soon babe xxx

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I spent today with Anna and she's doing fine, I have told her that I will write when I’m back in DC. I will also give her a safe address to write to me, but it seems strange knowing that I won't see her for a while.  
As for Nikolai, if anyone knows anything, they are remaining silent so I have put my plan into action. I will now try to get back to America, God I feel like I'm fourteen all over again and fleeing the country.

I love you babe with all my heart and I pray that I will make it back safe.  
Goodbye my Fox xxxx

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Well Fox I have made it back to DC, believe me it was a long hard journey. I suppose that I should let you know about that before I explain to you my plans now I'm back in America.

I told you that I found a boy while searching the Russian burn site, his name was Dmitri shit Fox he was just a bloody kid. God now I wonder just what sort of monster I have become myself.

I’m now no better than the monsters that abused and raped me. I beat that boy Fox, fuck I even had him infected with the black oil. I never really wanted to hurt him that way, hell I even stole the vaccine to cure him.

I used that boy to make a safe passage for myself to get back to America, I had to make the consortium need me otherwise they would have killed me, pretty selfish I know but I am not ready to die just yet.

Then I was betrayed myself by Marita, it was the heat of the moment thing and yes I had sex with her. I have to admit that I learnt two things from that encounter, I am definitely gay and not to ever underestimate the power of a woman.

While she fucked with me she also fucked me over and had arranged to steal the boy. I was left with nothing Fox, and just to top it off a member of the consortium showed up with a gun. The bastard cuffed me and threatened me, Marita had become infected with the black oil and he needed the vaccine just to save that double crossing fuckin bitch.

I had a choice babe, give him the vaccine for her or remain on that ship when it returned to Russia. I had no choice as I wanted to stay in America.  
So here I am babe back in D.C and now working for the Englishman.

I mostly just drive him around and shit like that. I like working for him Fox as he's honest and speaks his mind, he also looks at me like a real person and not a whore.  
Maybe that's how Spender got people to toe the line, I could be hard when I wanted too except around him I always felt humiliated and like nothing. That bastard knew what made me vulnerable as he had seen me naked, raped and tortured and believe me he liked to watch, he was also quick to remind me of my place and that it would happen again if I step out of line. As long as I live I never ever want to be their whore again.

I have decided to work really hard for the Englishman, then he might be willing to help me find Nikolai. I need to know one way or the other if he is dead or alive.

However you my sweet Fox I have been informed that you have lost your way and no longer believe, I find that strange Fox knowing you as I do. I’ve had an alien inside me and seen a lot working for the consortium and they are very real Fox.

I will watch you from a distance but there has to be something to make you believe again. The truth is out there Fox, they just don't want you to find it.  
You yourself have seen so much and even after all the bodies left by the rebels you still refuse to believe, fuck I’m lost for ideas and have to admit that I don't know how to help you.

That cancerous bastard took a lot of secrets with him to the grave, I would love to bring him back just so I could kill him again however that’s the past and he's dead and gone now.

Well babe I believe that you are now up to date with my life so now I need to get some sleep.  
Goodnight Fox.

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Finally a job other than just driving around, the English mans pissed off as other members of the consortium plan to hand over the rebel alien and we may need the rebels in the future to survive. I have the job of saving the rebel but after a lot of thought I have decided that you can do it Fox, this way you might just start to believe again.

So I am now here planning how to face you after a year apart, I’m willing to take the chance that you might kill me but I need to do this for you babe, as you need to find your way again.

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Well, I’m still here and you never killed me. I had no choice but to shove you to the floor babe, I'm not even sure if you knew that I only have one arm. My mission was a success and I told you what you needed to know, I even tried to play it safe and called you Agent Mulder, I noticed that you referred to me as Krycek again and no longer Alex.

You sat there on the floor looking so lost, I had to kiss you babe hell all I really wanted to do was strip you and make love to you, shit why did the world’s survival come first. I knew when I handed you the gun that you would not shoot me, you have had so many chances already and I'm still here.

I took a big chance coming to see you Fox but I have no regrets whatsoever, I got to kiss you one more time babe, and I even managed to get you up and running it’s nice to have the real you back.

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Well babe it has been a boring couple of weeks, as there’s not a lot doing and I hate the fuckin boredom. The Englishman has helped me so much, I now know that Nick’s still alive but been held prisoner somewhere. At least I know that I still might see him one day.

I have been promised by the Englishman that he will do everything in his power to get Nikolai released, he has Anna's address and will send him there if they can save him. As for me all I have to do is wait and how I hate waiting for anything.

I'm scared Fox, what if they find him and he blames me. I swear that I tried to stop them but what use is a one armed man against all them. Well it's back to work babe I will talk soon. Xx

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Their nothing but a bunch of bastards, it was all lies Fox that cancerous bastard's still alive and well. Spender now lives in Canada and when I found out I wanted to find him and kill him.

However guess what job they gave me Fox? I’m to go to Canada and bring him back but I’m under strict orders that he must be alive on his return. I’m going to have to exercise a lot of restraint to carry out this job.  
For now I intend to just get drunk, well it's either that or I will end up killing someone as I’m totally pissed off now.

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I did as they told me Fox, I went to Canada and brought that cancerous bastard back alive, I wanted to kill him and make him suffer for what he had made me become.

Spender was brought back to get Gibson Praise for the Englishman. I also know my dear Fox that he was responsible for burning down your office, he wanted an end to the x files and have you brought down.

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The next morning the Englishman informed me that he no longer needed my services. I begged and pleaded with him not to leave me on my own, shit I had liked working for him and now what would I do.

He told me that he liked and respected me and that I should return to Russia as I might find a big surprise there. Also to go before Spender got his claws in to me, so at the moment I am un-decided as to what I will do.

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Well, my Fox I was soon to learn that the Englishman sacrificed himself for his own family and for Scully, for mankind. Hell now I know why he never wanted me to go with him. I never really wanted to go back to Russia but I’m no longer safe here, also my baby is due to be born very soon and I promised Anna that I would return for that.

 I will also need to be careful where I visit in Russia however I plan to leave in a day or so. I’m not happy about leaving you alone Fox as I know that Diana Fowley is on the scene. The bitch from hell has returned, give her five minutes and she will have her claws in you again, I would rather kill her than let that happen babe.

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Well my dear Fox my return to Russia certainly held a few surprises for me, Anna's very well but she had gone in to labour two weeks early and I now have a beautiful son. Anna has named him after me god alone knows why, she still insists that I’m a decent person and she has named him Sasha Krycek.

He has loads of really dark hair Fox and a healthy pair of lungs. I just cried when I saw him to think that tiny baby’s a part of me and always will be. At least I left something good in this world, and as long as he ends up nothing like me the kid might just have a chance.

Anna also told me that she had another surprise in store for me, apparently Nick's safe and well thanks to the Englishman. I guess he really must have liked me and that I have a lot to thank him for.  
I stayed with my son for a while then I went in search of my lost lover, maybe things might just work out for me after all.

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I found Nick back in his apartment, he doesn’t blame me for anything and we spent the night together just making love. He had been held prisoner for a few months and tortured, but he was so happy to see me and be with me.

Therefore I now plan to stay with him for a while and spend some time with my son. I want to make the most of it and visit him as often as I can because one day I will go back to DC.

I may sound like a bastard but when that happens, I plan to never see my son again he deserves a far better father than I could ever be, he also deserves a chance in life.

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I know that it’s been a while Fox, but life here has been very busy for me. My gorgeous son now tries to sit up on his own he also smiles a lot, he even calls me Da da. I know that it will break my heart to leave here but I’m trying to talk Nick in to coming back to DC with me.

Losing my son is excruciating and I can't lose Nikolai also, Nikolai was born in Russia and has lived his whole life here so he might not want to leave here with me. I mean it's not like I'm worth the hassle or anything.

I sit here writing this and wondering if you're okay Fox, but knowing you my guess is that you will be your usual self and in to all sorts of trouble. I manage to hear things now and again but it seems so long ago that I last saw you Fox. I have Nick and Sasha and I will never hurt you again, I just need to know now and then that you are okay. Just remember that I love you Fox.

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Well I have managed to talk Nikolai in to going back to DC with me, he says that I’m his life and all that he has left. He says that he won't let me go alone this time, as he made that mistake when I was only fourteen.

Tomorrow I must say goodbye to my son and that will be the hardest thing that I ever do in my life. For tonight I plan to seduce Nikolai and take my mind off everything.

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I’m now sat here crying my eyes out, I will never get to see my beautiful son again, he sat there smiling as I said goodbye to him. I love him so much but what child deserves me as a father, it hurts but I have to do this for him.

When I cry and the nightmares return Nikolai holds me and even makes love to me, all he wants is to see me smile. I love him with all my heart and he has turned out to be my rock and my soul mate. We plan to leave for DC in a day or so, I will write to you then my darling Fox. Xx

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We have now arrived back in DC and have rented a small apartment together, it's big enough and we are happy here. I have seen you from time to time Fox and you still look really good babe but I plan to stay well away from you, I have my life and you have yours. I will always love and miss you babe. Xxx

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Life's really good at the moment Fox, Nikolai seems to have accepted his life here in America, he has even managed to get himself a job as he hates to be bored. I must agree with him on that as boredom has started seeping in for me too as Nikolai works nights.

I really need to find a way to occupy myself. I heard through the grapevine that Skinner had you committed, one day they will all realize and believe what you say, also one day I swear that I will get revenge on Skinner. Well I am going now babe, I’m going to go see what an ex assassin and consortium whore can do to pass time.

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I have found a way to amuse myself dear Fox, not that it would make you happy if you knew. Guess where I am as I write this, I have rented the apartment above yours Fox, I know that I’m taking a great risk as the last man that did this was killed by you. I only installed the cameras so that I can feel close to you babe and watch your gorgeous face.

I have to wear a wig and disguise to enter or exit the building and hopefully you will never know. I have to call it a night now as I need to be back home before Nick finishes work and returns.

Goodnight babe and sweet dreams, as I plan to have many. Xxxx

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I have been watching you for over a week now Fox, but shit today was way too close for my liking. When I got in to the lift on the fifth floor I never even for a moment thought you would use the lift. I kept my head down and remained quiet but you just kept on staring at me like you knew something.

That was why I could not look at you Fox, I will have to be more careful next time I’m here.

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Okay tonight I got an added bonus while watching you babe, you were laid there Fox watching a porn video and what a sight it was to sit there watching you jerk off. I had no choice but to relieve myself, fuck you still make me so hard and turned on babe.

Do you still love me Fox or was it just in the heat of the moment, as I could not help but notice that it was my name you called out as you came, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

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I’d noticed the lone gunmen were hanging around a lot and deep down I knew that my little game was over, you knew that something was going on and had called them over to check for cameras.

However it was too late, shit Fox I tried to shove all the videos in a bag and disappear, but you got there before I left. I will never ever forget the look of anger on your face as you grabbed me, you only spoke one word as you looked at me and that was my name Alex. You were so shocked babe that I just pushed past you and ran like hell.

I now knew that if ever I was to come face to face with you again, that you would most probably kill me so I just went home and hid the videos that I had managed to grab.

I wonder what you will think of me if you watch the ones I left behind, but it was only for me babe just for my pleasure so you now know just how fucked up I am. I will swear here and now Fox that I never meant you any harm by my selfish actions. I love you Fox and would never deliberately harm you, please believe me babe.

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All is going well here Fox, I have heard from Anna and she has sent me some photos of Sasha, I miss him so much that it hurts. Nick’s wonderful and always manages to make me smile and helps me through the bad times, it's nice not having to work for the consortium any more.

Maybe I might end up going back to them one day, just to make sure every things going according to plan. I know that kid Spender is a complete ass hole and he needs taking care of along with Skinner.

I need to find a way to get Skinner where I want him so he will be more willing to assist you on the x files, plus I owe that bastard big time for the great night freezing to death on his balcony.

Well it's late babe, so I will call it a night and go dream of what I can do to your boss.

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Well Fox I guess that today's the day for my revenge on Skinner. The bill for SR819 must be stopped, I cannot let the man I work for export the Nano technology to other countries. However my own plan will put a stop to theirs and also gain me access to Assistant director Walter Skinner.

Earlier today I had entered the FBI headquarters, it still amazes me how easy I can still get inside the building and roam around. I had to follow Skinner and check the progress of all my plans, I needed to know that what I had done to him was working.

Do you know that I fell in love with you Fox from day one, with Skinner it was just an attraction and yeah I fancied him. I had always believed him to be the protective type and wondered how it would feel to have a lover to protect me.

I guess that it just hurts so much knowing that you have not loved me for a long time, if you even ever really did love me.

Yet I would do anything for you Fox where was I, oh yeah Skinner who I had followed to the gym and then on to the hospital. At the hospital I had left Skinner his first message just a subtle one to make him think.

I was lucky that Nikolai was working overtime so I never had to explain myself to him, not that he questioned me anymore as it always led to too many arguments. We had started to argue a lot more often, hell we still loved each other but Nikolai had moved to DC for me and had a legal job.

I guess that I let him down big time but that’s where he's the opposite of you Fox as you would punch me, where Nikolai always gives in to me and lets me have my own way. I believe that deep down he thinks that I will leave him but I will never leave as I love him too much and he loves me.  
Nikolai is the man I love and depend on, You Fox are the man I love but lost.

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Well I have managed to get a couple of hours sleep and now I find out that the bastards have Orgel. He is one of them Fox and if he remains alive they can go ahead with all their plans. I will have to work harder to keep Skinner out of the picture, without him their bill cannot go as planned. Senator Matterson is as guilty as the fuckin rest of them but at least they all believe that I’m on the same side as them, for now I intend to keep it that way.

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I had followed Skinner this morning to make sure he lived, I know that you will find that hard to believe Fox. The bastards had sent a man to kill Skinner in the car park, I was left with no choice but to kill him and run him over otherwise Skinner would be dead by now.

Yet I would have sworn that Walter dearest knew that it was me, I had remained at the hospital just watching and waiting, I knew that I would have to push Skinner to the limit. The whole man’s body was infected yet they thought that by amputating his arms it would save him.

At one point I had gone to the bathroom and when I returned I sent Skinner another message. God I must be losing it Fox as I had never even seen you enter his room.

Shit Fox when I looked up and saw your face, I decided that it would be wise to move fast. You ran every day Fox and could easy out run me, I swear that you let me get away because you knew that it was me. Shit I had been so confused that I even managed to crash the car in to the barrier.  
I often wonder if you would have killed me for what I had done, not that I could blame you for hating me.

Well I had known that I would have to take care of Doctor Orgel, I needed him out of the picture and test out the palm pilot. I killed Orgel to stop the Nano technology ending up in the wrong hands, I had to stop all their plans and doing it my way Orgel took his evil technology to the grave with him.

Only one palm pilot remains and yes it gives me control over Skinners life, I took him to death and back so that he would know what I can do to him.  
I know that one day I will need Skinner so I will leave him alone until then.

 I’m home and just plan to get pissed and block out all that I have done, I had no choice Fox but to destroy them yet I still hate myself. The vodkas starting to take effect and Nick’s home so I must go babe, I want Nick to fuck me hard tonight as I need to be punished for what I’ve done, also for what I have become. xxxx  
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After the English man died I ended back working with the consortium, or against them from the inside. Everything’s going okay as Spender leaves me alone which pleases me a great deal, he seems to accept me as more than just a whore.

I’m now allowed to have a say and have my own opinions, yet things have seemed very strained since the return of Cassandra and now that Jeffery appears to be on the scene a lot more.

Spenders one big down fall is that he believes Jeffery will be strong enough to replace him one day, Jeffery Spender is nothing but an idiot and a spineless wimp who knows nothing.

That cancerous bastard had to prove just how good his precious son was and sent him to kill an alien rebel. My job was just the driver and nothing more yet I had followed him inside the house and ended up saving his life, I hated Jeffery but Spender should never have sent him there without any real knowledge of what he was up against.

I came up against things you have only ever dreamt about Fox, but I must accept who I am and what I never will be. I must admit that I took great pleasure letting Jeffery know exactly what his father had done to Cassandra over the past twenty five years.

I know that deep down I am getting to old for all this shit, the arguments between myself and Nikolai seem to grow each day. Shit I came home tonight to find him fast asleep in the spare room, well I guess that I’m sleeping alone tonight. Xxx

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I have learnt today that Cassandra is the first ever human hybrid. Spender wants colonization to begin however they can't learn about this or the human race will end.

We were all told to go to El Rico air force base and that way we would survive colonization. They were all lambs been led to the slaughter yet I never even went for two reasons, I could not live in a world knowing that you and Nikolai were dead, also I’m a stubborn bastard who hates following orders.

They all died Fox except Spender, that cancerous bastard along with Diana Fowley managed to survive the attack. I can now be at peace for a while and get on with my life, apart from Spender the consortium that ruled my life has gone now, all those old evil bastards burnt to death.

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I woke this morning to find myself alone yet again, Nick came home late and slept in the spare room once more. I tried to talk to him and I now find myself sitting here with a split lip, I still can't believe that he hit me and plans to return to Russia without me.

  
God I really want him to stay and would do anything to make him but I fear that it’s too late now. Deep down I know that I deserved the punch, shit I have turned in to nothing but a spoilt brat and wrap him around my little finger.

Maybe he could do better than me and I should just let him go, but I can't do it. Nikolai has the night off today so I plan to try and make him stay, but the final decision must be his own and not mine.

Why does my life always have to be so fucked up, if other people don't fuck my life up I do it on my own?

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Well Fox last night went better than I planned and Nikolai has decided to stay with me in DC, shit I love him so much and would fall apart without him. Nikolai had cried and apologized for hitting me, he says that he understands that I’m who I am, shit Fox I don't even know who I am anymore.

I have Nikolai and my freedom from the consortium so I now plan to spend some time with him. I will still be looking out for you Fox as I am sorry but I do not trust Diana Fowley one single bit.  
Talk soon babe. Xx

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I knew that things could not go well for long, well not with Spender still alive anyway. He has plans for you Fox and I am unsure what they are but I swear that I will find out.

I had to pay a visit to Skinner today and retrieve a tape, it’s a great help having someone on the inside despite the fact he wants to kill me. I swear Skinner believes that I am the evilest man walking hell maybe even you do.

I needed that tape to bargain with Doctor Barnes as I knew that he had the artefact. I wanted to protect you Fox from that bastard that claims to be your father, it hurt so much having to leave you in that stairwell but I had to move fast.

Nikolai now questions everything I do and why I do it, I had so much wanted out of all this instead I had to kill Saunders to protect you.  
I will always be here for you Fox even if you hate me, I will not let them harm you babe. I will be your guardian angel Fox but I must go now. Take care xx.

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Great that cancerous bastard has Diana bowing down to him and doing anything he wants, even if he wants to hurt you. I have come to realize just how much Scully loves you and has gone out of her way to help you, in some ways it makes me feel really jealous of the relationship the two of you have.

I am sorry that I can't do more for you myself babe but I will try I promise.

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I sit here not knowing where the hell you are, Spender has even got your own mother running around after him. I’m aware that he's using you Fox to get what he wants, I need to find you and get you away from him.

I still cannot believe that you trusted Kritchkov to help you, shit the man hates you and blames everything on you he will kill you. I had no choice but to visit Skinner as I needed information, but it was a close call when Scully chased me.

I know that you carry certain alien DNA inside of you and that they all see you as a saviour. I believe that cancerous bastard wants your DNA and plans to remove genetic material from you. Spender knows that you will most likely die and yet here I sit unable to find you.

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Well babe I've just got home and it’s been a long day, I had no choice but to kill Kritchkov at least that will be one less who can harm you. Also without the laptop they no longer have the proof they so badly wanted. Well I must go babe as someone’s at the door. Xxx

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I know that it has been a while Fox since I last wrote in this, quite a few months now. No I had not forgotten about you babe, I have just spent the last few months in a complete hell hole.

That bastard knew that it was me who stole the laptop and he had me thrown in a Tunisian prison. I have spent that time living in filth and trying just to stay alive, I managed to fight them at first but then I became weak due to the lack of food. I then had to suffer been raped and abused, no change there once a whore always a whore.

I’m only free because Spender sent Marita to get me, he needs me now because he is dying and has no one else. Well I will show him that I no longer need him or his lies, I am expected to go visit him later today to find out what he wants. I am now waiting for Nikolai to come home as I need to see him, I’m surprised that he never went back to Russia after I disappeared.

I will talk as soon as I know anything take care. Xx

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Nick returned from work and was surprised to see me, he gave me a big hug and then slapped me hard. He tells me that I am a fuckin idiot and don't care about anyone.

I have told him that I need to do just one more job and then it will all end, I even promised him that I would return to Russia if that’s what he wants. Nick has said that this is my last chance and if I don't quit he will leave me.

 I know that he really does love me but he can't live the life I do, ha like I even want to live it. Well I guess it's time to see what old Smokey wants. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

The sick bastard wants to re build the project, an alien craft has landed in Oregon and he wants me to find it with Marita, so that was where I spent my day.

The only highlight of the whole time in Oregon was seeing you babe, shit you still look so well. I see that while I was away that your life went on as normal, well if you can call what you get yourself into normal that is.

I have decided that I will gather all the information that I can, I will then pass it on to you Fox. I know that you will know how to deal with it and all I want is Spender dead and my life back. I’m getting to old for all this shit and need to do something with the time I have left.  
XXXXXXXXXX  
I have learnt where the ship should be, my next job is to come and see you babe. I must admit that I wonder what you will do when you see me, I guess that I should prepare for the worst. So next time that we talk will be face to face, either that or you will be hitting me yet again.

Do you really hate me that much Fox and want to hurt me or is it just your way of dealing with me, I sometimes get the feeling that you actually like to still touch me maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part.

God how I love you and need to see you in the flesh and up close, it will be worth the pain just to have you touching me once again.  
I will see you soon my Fox xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I spent the day following you around, I was even watching you while you were in Oregon. It took a lot to come and see you Fox, yet all you wanted to do was hurt me. I guess that I have Skinner to thank for holding you back.

Shit I wanted you so much, yet I had to work beside you without even touching you. I risked everything to help you by coming to the FBI headquarters, I was surprised that even Skinner managed to remain calm around me.

I never gave a shit about rebuilding the project all I ever wanted was for the whole fuckin nightmare to end. I only wanted a normal life but even that was too much to ask for, yet all I got was to watch you with Scully all of the time. I am so jealous of her and wish it was me working with you.

You always turned to her when you were alone but you did the right thing by keeping her away from Oregon. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

All the abductees are disappearing one by one, Teresa and Billy Miles.  
It was one major clean up to destroy all evidence and I also believed that Scully was at risk, after all she was an abductee herself.

I wanted your help Fox and to rid the world of that cancerous bastard forever, but why would you ever believe or trust me. You spent most of your time believing that I worked for Spender by choice, but I have now done everything that I can for you Fox.

Now I sit here praying that you can end this nightmare once and for all, as for me I need a strong drink and some sleep. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Shit I was so fuckin stupid, yeah the ship rebuilt itself taking you along with it. You was what it wanted all along and not Scully. I had to kill Spender and I've lost you yet again and have no idea if you're dead or alive. When I was with Spender I just had this sudden urge to see him dead.

Shit I wanted him out of my life forever, the evil bastard even accused me of betraying all mankind. I have done many evil things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. However pushing that cancerous bastard down the stairs was a lot less than what he deserved, believe me I have no regrets whatsoever for taking his life.

My only regret was that I never had the guts to end his sad pathetic life sooner than I did. I will not give up on you babe, well not without a body and proof that I will never see you again.

Nikolai knows that you mean a lot to me, he's trying to support me as much as he can and be patient. He has put up with so much from me and yet he still remains here, I love the fact that Nikolai is strong for the both of us.

Nikolai gives me a reason to carry on and for that I will do anything for him.  
Well Fox I must get on as he plans to take me out tonight, Nikolai say's that he wants to cheer me up and see me smile. I know that he's planning a romantic evening so I will catch up with you later. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Well Fox we had a great night out and I’m trying to sort myself out, my life's just one big fuck up and I fuck up at every bloody turn.

The night was good until I started sulking, shit I was pissed and have no idea what I said to upset him so much. Whatever I did to piss him off earned me a split lip yet again, so I had to go and open my mouth even further. I told Nikolai to fuck off back to Russia, that was where he stormed out and left me alone.

I guess that when he returns I will be grovelling yet again. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Well we kissed and made up, I don't even know what's happening to me but I need him Fox. I am so confused now and the vodkas not helping. Nikolai has left for work and I hate it when he works nights, there was once a time I might have coped alone but not now.

 I will just drink until I pass out then the morning will arrive a lot faster. Take care wherever you are Fox. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

I know that it has been a couple of months now since I wrote.  
I have been so depressed, hell I have even sat here for over two hours just crying and deciding what to write.

I still have no idea where you are Fox and that hurts. The last time I wrote I told you that Nikolai was at work and I was alone. Well guess what I’m  permanently alone now, Nikolai never came home Fox so I waited and waited for him.

The police showed up here as this was the address on his driving license. Nikolai has gone for good as they found his car overturned in a ditch and his body on the ground beside it.

He had been thrown through the windscreen, he crashed the car but must have been there for hours before he was found. I will never know if death was instant, or if he had laid there alone for hours dying.

Shit I can't stand the thought that he might have been in agony and all alone. He gave me his life yet I was unable to be there for him at the end.  
The pain is unbearable now and I can't think of any reason to carry on, but I will just drown my sorrows with vodka and escape this fuckin reality. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

Earlier today I said my goodbyes to Nikolai at the chapel of rest, I have arranged with his family to send him back home.

Nikolai will be buried in a family plot in Russia back where he belongs, and would have stayed if not for me. I bet that when I die my body gets to rot wherever it falls, fuck it I know that I am been morbid but my whole life is just one nightmare.

I have no one at all now and I’m all alone, maybe it’s what I deserve for all the sins I have committed in my sad pathetic life. The depressions getting worse, shit I don't even have anyone to talk to anymore yet I feel like my heart has been ripped out and crushed.

I’m sat here slowly getting pissed and wondering what the hell is the point of my life. People die by accident and disease, people who wanted to live yet here I am alive but wish I was dead.

Shit I am sorry if none of this makes sense but the vodkas making things a bit fuzzy. I sit here wondering where my life goes now however maybe my life should just end right here, right now. Xxx

XXXXXXXXXX

I’m still trying to make sense of everything in my life, I have spent a couple of days following Doggett and planting a camera in your office. It still amazes me how I can access FBI headquarters un challenged by anyone.  
I have to admit that I did not like what I overheard, shit I have just lost Nikolai and now I find out that you were also dying.

Shit you even ordered your own fuckin headstone, yet what's worse was that you planned to die alone. I can understand that you never wanted me to know but you should have at least told Scully.

Fuck it all, there's no point anymore big bad Alex has got all that he deserves and more. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I have learned that Nikolai was not left to suffer in pain. The autopsy states that due to severe injuries his death was instant, so I guess that at least I now know that there was nothing that I could have done to help him, funny yet I still feel like shit. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck I have just learned that all the abductees are returning one by one, I am now left wondering if one of them will be you Fox. I have spent the last few hours digging for any information that might help me.

I have learnt that it’s Jeremiah Smith who seems to be there to collect the abductees and he is helping them. I know of Jeremiah because he was a pain as far as Spender was concerned, but I also know that if they return you babe he has the power to heal you.

Maybe after all the shit in my life I now have something worth hanging on for. I’m now planning to find Smith and see what he can tell me about the abductees, and if he knows anything about you Fox. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I managed to locate Jeremiah Smith and talk to him. He’s helping the abductees by returning them to full health and keeping them safe, but as of yet he says that you have not been returned.

All the abductees are been returned in the order that they were taken, so I now plan to get some much needed rest and then just wait. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I have spent the last two days with Jeremiah Smith waiting for your return.  
Shit he tried so much to help heal the abductees and that’s what pissed off the consortium and his own race.

Even so, with you Fox he never even had a chance to heal you, Skinner and co decided to gate crash and even after seeing Teresa and all the proof it was not enough.

I had to stay in hiding to avoid getting arrested or been blamed for everything yet again. However it was all too late as Jeremiah Smith's own race decided to take him back and put an end to his healing. So here I am having to wait and see what happens yet again. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Life's so fucked up, I spent the day in North Carolina in the freezing cold watching the man I loved get buried. Shit I could cope with the weather, but to have to stand in the shadows to watch hurt so much.

How can you be gone babe and what will I do now without you. At the moment I plan to stay here for a few days so that I can visit you alone when it becomes a bit quieter. I miss you so much and plan to drink myself unconscious. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I have spent the last two nights just sitting alone in the dark and cold, I know that it may appear morbid but sitting beside your grave makes me feel close to you.

I so much want to join you babe that I don't even care anymore if I freeze to death. I told you Fox that I’m a coward and can't even just end my own life, I have no idea why as I have nothing worth living for anymore now you're gone. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I guess that I can't even visit you in peace anymore babe. I came to see you tonight and drank myself into oblivion. I awoke to really strong hands around my throat, but that was not enough as I then had to take the beating.

Skinner had shown up at your grave and found me there, he accused me of getting drunk and celebrating the fact that you're dead. Skinner said that if he ever sets eyes on me again he will kill me, not that he will ever stop me from visiting you Fox.

XXXXXXXXXX

Something big must be up as its really late. I had decided it might be safer to visit you during the night when there was less chance of bumping into Skinner.

However all I found was an open grave with no coffin, I need to sleep then I will hack in to the FBI and see what I can learn. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I have spent the day going through old consortium papers and files. Billy Miles and all the other abductees that Jeremiah Smith never healed will become some new race, a race of super soldiers far stronger than any man.

I have managed to get hold of the vaccine and plan to use it as I’m sure you would rather die than be one of them. Shit Fox it's hard to believe that all those months I visited you and you were alive, fuck you were buried alive for three months.

I know that you are very ill and that you might still die, but I will not give in and as long as you are here and still breathing I have hope. Now I just need to find a way of giving you the vaccine and seeing you once again, I guess that I could try Skinner as he deserves a little more pain for beating the shit out of me.  
Take care babe x  
XXXXXXXXXX

I had decided to go visit Skinner at work today, I thought it might be wise avoiding the hospital as Scully will be there.  
I had to administer some pain to make him listen to me, hell I even took him in your office. I talked but the bastard just told me to go to hell. Yeah I can still play the part of the hard smug bastard if I need to yet Skinner seemed unwilling to listen to me.

I used the Nanos to get his attention but I swear that man hates me so much and wants to kill me. I had to make it look genuine as I don't want him to know about our past, shit you have been through so much and don't need the hassle from Skinner.

I have decided that I will give you the vaccine myself as I need to see you and I don't trust anyone else. I will go early in the morning when it's quite and visit you and give you the vaccine, I just pray that it works and I get in and out easy without another beating. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck I was not expecting you to look as ill as you did but I managed to give you the vaccine with only a few minor hitches, Skinner showed up in your hospital room and it still amazes me how everyone calls me Alex when they want something.

I had to get out of that hospital as it brought back to many memories from my past and the time I had to visit Nikolai. Therefore, I decided to wind Skinner up and yes I behaved like a complete bastard telling him he had to kill Scully's baby if he wanted the vaccine.

I just said the first thing that came in to my head and no Fox I don't really wish Scully or her unborn child any harm. However just when I thought that I had managed to get away I realized that I was been followed and now had Doggett to deal with.

I swear that I was just going to leave and not cause any more grief but Doggett had to grab me through the car window and he punched me twice, why does everyone always keep punching me. I wound the bastard up and dropped a vial of the vaccine, big bad Alex left Mulder to die once more but everyone hates me so why should I bother changing now.

I have heard that the vaccine has worked and that you are awake, now I know that you are safe I will stay away from you for your sake and my own as it would be too painful for me so take care xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

I have spent the last two days going through even more files and learning what I can. Shit this goes so deep within the FBI that we don't stand a chance, You Scully and even Skinner are been used as puppets by a higher force and even your own deputy director has a hidden agenda. It has got to the stage where I truly believe that there's nothing more that I can do for the human race or for that matter even myself.  
I plan to just get pissed tonight and worry about everything in the morning so look after yourself babe xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well I awoke with one hell of a hangover today, I’m still finding it hard to process all that has gone on. You're alive and healing fast shit I have even learnt that you’re no longer dying of the tumour.

Unlike me you are liked by a lot of people and could now live a long life so make the most of what you have Fox, as for me I no longer have anyone or anything to make my life worthwhile.

Well I have sat here for over an hour just thinking of how to tell you what I am feeling, I guess that I feel totally pissed off. I can't have you anymore now you're alive than I could when you were dead my life's just so screwed up.

Fuck this and fuck everything because I no longer care about anything except what I can never have. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I lay here all alone just thinking about my past mistakes, all the people I loved who were here one day then gone the next. I cry for them and I also cry for myself the sad pathetic person that I have now become.

I’m now finding it extremely difficult to focus on anything anymore, if I’m not laid here I just sit in a chair in a world of my own. I feel so empty and used by everyone, hell maybe I have been alone for too long and just need human contact.

I need to be loved and held, for someone to tell me that everything will be alright, not that anything in my life will ever be right anymore. I’m spiralling in to despair a big black hole of depression eating away at me. I just want to die and end all the pain but I guess that I’m too much of a coward to do it. Therefore, here I stay in the land of the living and carry on suffering.

I feel like the depressions eating away and soon I will be no more, I might as well be a fuckin zombie for what it’s worth. Shit I don't even want to go out anymore as I am unable to face anyone, maybe they might see into my soul and see me for who I am.

I never have visitors shit it hurts so much to be alone, why did I throw everything away in life and were did I go wrong? I miss my old life and my family, I think that's why I cause people so much pain in life because I want them to suffer and feel like I do.

I know that you have every reason to hate me, but to have you tell me that you loved me and then tell me it was a lie. Shit I swear that I am going mad, I no longer know anything except the pain. That always stays sucking away at me and draining my life fluid drop by drop.

I feel so angry and want to just smash everything up but I have been there before and it won't get rid of the deep rooted pain that I feel inside.  
I could always get drunk but when I sober up the leech would still be there sucking harder than ever.

Maybe I might get lucky and fate will end my life for me, (what a joke) I’m running out of ideas all I want to do is rip the pain out of my chest and be free. However no one is hurting except me.

I could have done so well in life but I chose to fuck it up the day that I ran away, I have always been a loner and now I have no one to fall back on or to help me. I’m going to try and sleep as I’m just depressing myself more and more, sleep will give me a few hours away from the pain as long as the nightmares stay away, as I no longer have anyone here for me when I scream.

Goodnight Fox xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well its morning again so I must have had some sleep, I awoke to the sound of my own screams shit when will the nightmares ever end. I’m sick of reliving that fuckin silo or having my healthy arm hacked off while I tried to sleep. Shit I can't change a bloody thing about my past as it's all too late now.

Well I have had two mugs of coffee this morning and all I want to do is go back to bed. Another twenty four hours of feeling pissed off and depressed. I guess that I’m only writing this for myself as some sort of outlet for the pain, but I’m finding it hard putting the pain that I feel in to words.

Shit I just want to bang my head against the wall, I’m just sat here crying as I write this and I can't cope anymore with the pain. One bullet that's all it would take to end my sad pathetic life but I can't do it.

They say that where there's life there's hope, well you are alive Fox so I guess that I live in hope that one day you might want me again. That's my problem Fox, I will go through life in pain hoping for something that I can never have again.

Shit I would sell my soul to the devil just for one more day with you as my lover. However that cancerous bastard already has my soul and you Fox have my heart so I am now nothing but an empty shell.

Who did you love anyway Fox, that rookie Agent who looked like a little lost puppy. Nevertheless, what am I now as I only have one fuckin arm and even the grey hairs are showing now? I bet that you would not even look at me now that I am older and incomplete.

Well I guess that I’m just depressing myself even further by looking for all my own faults. Maybe I should just clean myself up and go out if I piss a few people off someone will take me out sooner or later. Well that could be a plan for the future but now I am too pissed off to shower and shave, who knows maybe I might just rot away here in this room all alone.

I want my parents and my sister, shit I even want Nikolai but they are all gone now dead and buried forever. No one has even held me since I was a child except you and Nikolai, but he's dead and you can't even stand the sight of me. I bet that you will be glad to see me dead and know that I’m out of your life once and for all.

Fuck it I still have a bottle of vodka here so I plan to get totally pissed and escape this fucked up life for now. Bye for now xx.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck I only managed to get a couple of hours sleep, I’m still pissed and don't give a shit about anything anymore. Fuck you Fox it's my diary and I can write what the hell I want in it, I bet you will never even read this far anyway or will you be sat there having a good laugh at my expense.

Yeah I bet you think that I am totally fucked up and just a joke, I bet you're glad that nothing ever came of us. Sad pathetic Alex who could never forget and just move on in life.

God I am so sorry Fox, but it just hurts so much to think of you laughing at me. I’m sat here writing this and my cock aches for you babe, my hand is caressing my cock while my mind imagines that it's your hand. I want to feel those sexy lips around my hard cock while you deep throat me fuck, I so want all this to be real Fox.

Then you could fuck me hard plunging deep within my ass until I come screaming.  Sorry will be back xx.

Okay I’m back but after all that talking I had to go relieve myself, it never lasts long when I think of you. I am going to try and get some more sleep now as my mind and body are both exhausted, I will be dreaming of us and the life we could have had together. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

Fuck I have one hell of a lousy hangover today, but at least I was happy for a short time. However the leach has returned and appears to be sucking harder than ever before, I love you so much babe but I can't go on living my life this way. I think that it's time for me to accept what will be and bow out of this life once and for all, Well it's not like anyone will miss me when I'm gone.

I know that it’s time for me to face my maker, in my case it most probably will be the devil himself. I somehow don't think that god will forgive me of my many sins and grant me a place in heaven.

I guess that in a way I’m already paying for my sins and mistakes, shit just look at me I have lost everyone that I loved in life and I have to suffer for everything. I just can't do any of it anymore, but I want to see you just one more time and know that you are alright and getting on with your life. Xx

XXXXXXXXXX

I have spent the last day or so following you around Fox, I swear that I’d decided that I would only watch you from a distance.  
However that night I saw Billy Miles enter Scully's apartment and then you were both trapped in that car so I had to show myself. At first I was worried that you might hurt me Fox but that’ the problem with me, I know longer care about myself or anything.

I must admit that it felt strange sitting there in Skinners office with you, hell I was really struggling to comprehend what everyone was talking about. I was overwhelmed with a past that I could have had if things had been different. I loved working as an FBI agent and wish that I could have remained your partner in more ways than one.

I take it that Doggett still despises me along with Skinner, fuck I bet everyone at the FBI wishes that I was dead. I was surprised that you trusted me with Scully when Billy Miles showed up, I would have never hurt her Fox as I knew what she meant to you. I had to convince you to get her away for her own good and that of the baby.

I know that I left Skinner injured in that lift but I just panicked and had to flee from there as everything was just too much, therefore I decided to return home and make my final entry in this diary. I could have tried harder at life but it’s all too late for me.

I plan to get the key to you Fox which will mean returning to the FBI offices but I now have little choice, whatever happens has nothing to do with you but when I leave here it will be to die either by the hands of an enemy or suicide, but one thing that I am sure of and that’s the fact that my life will end today.

I am now suffering so much and I am struggling to hold myself together. However, the hardest thing I have to do is say goodbye to you Fox, but I can't put it off any longer.  
I always belonged to you.

Even when we were apart or enemies I would have done anything for you Fox, shit here I go stalling again. Well if you read as far as this you know all about me and my life, all I ask is that now I will be gone please forgive me for all my sins.

I was so young and vulnerable when it all went wrong, maybe I should have tried harder to make myself a better person. I have nothing left to give to make up for any of what I have done, at least this way the world will be a better place without me.

Goodbye My sweet Fox  
Remember my heart was always yours.  
Alex XX

A Cruel Rat's Tale.  
End of part one Alex's Story.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A Cruel Rat's Tale,  
Part two Fox's Story  
By CarolelaineD

 Well Alex I used the key you gave me, I guess you knew that curiosity would get the better of me. I have to write this letter even if it's just to save my own sanity, I know you will never read it but I hope wherever you are you know that I forgave you.

Hell I never even gave you a chance to explain yourself, and now I sit here wishing that I had asked you even just once why you did it all. I wish I had never had to watch you suffer and die as my own life has changed so much. I have nothing left now and just drink a lot, it seems to keep the depression away for so long.

In a way we were as fucked up as each other and I don't even know what to say to you, well I guess if I start at the beginning it might make more sense. Here goes Alex this way you might understand why what you did hurt so much.

I was fucked up Alex from an early age, yeah my parents argued at times but I always had my sister and despite how I teased her we were close. The day she disappeared my life was to change, for what it was worth I might as well have been alone then my parents split up. I was to spend the week with my mother who just pretended that I was not there then the weekends were worse, I got to spend them with my father. I have never told anyone before about my weekends with him, maybe I should have talked to someone just to release what I had bottled up.

I would arrive at my fathers on a Friday evening and spend two nights there, shit I still find this hard now to talk about but I was just a teenager at the time. The second weekend there my father had started some decorating and repairs and I was told that I would have to sleep in his bedroom with him. Yes at the time I was naive and thought nothing of it. I’d gone to bed as normal and had drifted in to sleep when my father came to bed, that was when everything was to change.

I am now sat here with the vodka getting drunk, hell it might give me the courage I need to face my own demons. Where was I, oh yeah my father got in to the bed and before I knew what was happening he put one hand over my mouth and the other down my pyjama bottoms. I felt his hand around my limp cock and wanted to be sick but the hand pressed harder over my mouth. Then he spoke to me at the same time his hand worked on my cock, he told me that I was a slut and that I belonged to him. I was to do whatever he wanted or I would never see Samantha again.

That first night I had to endure him touching my body but that was as far as my father went, it was the next night that I was to suffer and fuck it hurt so much at the time. He had told me that it was my bedtime, I was to go upstairs and shower he also wanted me in bed naked.

I tried to stay in the shower as long as I could but he told me it was time to get out. When I climbed in to the bed I was naked scared and alone, I laid there and huddled in to a tight ball.

My father finally came to bed and I was ordered to lay on my stomach, the first thing I felt was the hard slap to my backside. He told me that it would get worse if I ever tried avoiding him again. Shit I guess he had known why I was so long in the shower, I just tried to not think about anything.

Then I felt his rough hands stroke my ass then he parted my ass cheeks, I lay there breathing heavy at first I just felt something cold on my ass then the pain as he shoved his fingers in me. He was gentle by no means then the fingers were gone, I lay there hoping that it was over but he climbed on top of me and shoved his large hard cock deep within me, which was when I screamed.

I returned home and realized that my own mother would never believe me, she had become even colder towards me. I was to become withdrawn and a loner but my worst fear was Friday, the day I would be sent back to him.

Oh I tried to get out of it, I claimed that I was sick and wanted to stay at home. My mom phoned him to say I would not be going that weekend, when she came off the phone I was told that my father would look after me there as he had missed me all week. I moaned about going but mom just said that I was lucky to have a father that cared.

My father picked me up Friday evening and drove me to his place, I just remained quiet on the journey there. We had only just got through the door when he backhanded me and spit my lip open, I was so stunned as he had never hit me before.

He told me that was for lying to him about been ill, he then grabbed me and started to remove my clothes until I just stood there naked. My father informed me that I was going to be punished for trying to avoid him, I was to spend the whole weekend naked.

He went on to ignore me for most of the day so I decided to stay in my room alone and read, apart from food and toilet visits that was where I remained. At my usual bedtime I got into bed and tried to sleep.

I woke sometime later as my father yanked me out of bed, he told me that at night I was only to sleep in his bed, that I was his. Consequently, there I was back in his bed while he fucked me hard, I was told that I would be severely punished if I ever pissed him off again.

On the drive home I was pleased with the bruise on my face, at least my mother would have to accept what he had done, I was so wrong. My father told her that I had been in a fight with some boys, she moaned that I would never become anything in life and that I upset her.

My father told me that we had only come for some clothes, he was taking me back with him for a week as I needed some discipline and even my mother agreed that it was for the best.

When we were back in the car I even considered running away, but then I thought about Samantha and changed my mind. I bet that my father would never tell my mother what his idea of discipline was to be, hell that was not discipline it was brutal fuckin torture.

I spent the entire week naked to start with, he fucked me hard every night telling me that it was all my fault, I was a slut and deserved everything I got, then he thought he would try something different.

 Later one night after he had fucked me hard he made me roll over, I felt so humiliated having to face him, but it never ended there. Would anyone ever understand what I felt as my own father sucked me off, I had tried so hard not to get aroused but I was just a kid and my father knew what he was doing? All he said as he was doing it was that the bastard had fucked what was his so he would now fuck what belonged to him.

I guess later I was to understand what he had meant, that smoking bastard had fucked with my mother and he knew that I was not his, so he fucked with me in return. I suppose on the bright side Bill Mulder could not be accused of incest, but I was fucked up long before I found that out.

The rape and torture carried on until I went to college, but I was so messed up and seemed to pick sexual partners who wanted to abuse me. Yes I was to do well at collage but I hated having an eidetic memory, I was never to be allowed to forget anything including all the pain and suffering.

I decided later on in life that it was easier just to remain a loner, I was to do well in my chosen career Spooky Mulder criminal profiler of the year. I hated my own thoughts and also had to get in to the heads of rapists and murders, finally I found the x files and when Diana left work was to become my obsession, that and my search for my sister.

I was to still have plenty of obstacles in life but deep down I craved attention. The heads at the FBI decided that I was a problem and assigned me a partner, I was not remotely happy about the situation but after a while Scully and I became friends, she was to become like a sister to me and she even started to believe and trust me.

I grew to love her and think of her as my family and we worked well together, I now look back and wonder how the hell she put up with me.  
Then the bastards got what they really wanted as the x files were shut down and I and Scully were to be separated. I was a top criminal profiler and good at what I did, but they had decided that I was to suffer and then the meaningless jobs started.

I had found myself with the job of sitting and going through hours of tape. I was starting to go mad and had even thought about resigning if things remained this way.

I can still remember the day I met you like it was only yesterday. I swear after the events with my father I had never really thought about sex with another man, until I met you that was.

I was so bored that day then I heard someone call my name, I looked up to see the most outstanding green eyes looking at me, you were gorgeous despite the crappy ill-fitting suit.

I was a loner and had learnt to trust no one, which was why I ditched you and pushed you away so much. However I realized that I fancied you and wanted you, hell I never even knew if you were in to men. On many stakeouts I would sit there wondering what you would look like without the suit, Okay if I am honest I had wanted to give you a blow job there and then but a big part of me refused to trust you.

Then you shot Cole Alex you looked so young and scared, at that time I realized that whatever I felt for you ran deep inside me. I wanted to hold you and comfort you and that was why I was to turn up that night, I felt something even I didn't understand myself.

When I arrived at your place I had to let myself in, you sat there on the couch sobbing. I sat beside you trying to tell you that it was okay, it had been in the line of duty hell you thought I was going to die.

I was to get the biggest shock of my life when you kissed me, but my body and mind worked over time and I kissed you back. At the time I had not even realized that my hand was unfastening your jeans.

Then I started to wonder if you were aware of things or just confused so I asked you if you wanted to stop, and you never spoke Alex you just pushed my mouth down over your hard cock, before I knew it I was swallowing your hot cum.

  
You let me lead you to the bedroom babe, after I had made love to you I realized that I was in love. You spent the night clinging to me while I just lay there wondering if everything would change in the morning.

I told you that it was not a one night stand and you seemed happy about that, and as for me it must have been the first time in years that I was happy with someone.

I was still pig-headed and my work came first, after the Duane Barry case and Scully's disappearance work took over my life and I blamed myself for Scully. Hell it was me who had dragged her into my world.

I had lost so many people in my life and was not prepared to lose Scully, somewhere along the line though I forgot about you, I even pushed the memories of the good times away. Deep down I believed that I never deserved to be happy.

  
Then the day came that I asked to borrow your car, they say that there's only a fine line between love and hate well Alex you had just crossed that line. I hated you the one person that I had truly loved and trusted had just betrayed me and disappeared.

When I found the cigarette butts in your ashtray I realized that you were working for that cancerous bastard, I vowed that I would get revenge one day.

I had nothing left but my work and to find Scully, when she was returned I really believed that she was going to die and I even blamed you for that. As Scully got better I tried to move on with my life as you had made me feel cheap and used, I realized that my father had been right and that I was worthless. A part of me missed you and still wanted you, but the one word that went over and over in my mind was why.

I used to lay there on the couch (ok I still do) imagining been inside your tight hot ass fucking you until I come, then there were the times that I imagined making love to you licking and sucking every inch of your sexy body then fuck you until you came screaming. Nevertheless, I started to blame you as it was your fault that I fell in love with you. Somewhere along the line I had transferred all my hate and blame on to you.

At work I had become paranoid believing that everyone was against me, little did I know at the time my water had been drugged. Hell I even hit Skinner, I could not stop myself I just saw bad in everyone.

Then I had to watch my own father die as he tried to apologize to me for the past, how could I forgive a man who had made me into a paranoid idiot by raping and torturing me.

Why Alex had you picked that time to show up in my life, all I wanted was to make you suffer and make you pay for what you had done. You knew that they had drugged my water yet you still came. As far as I was concerned you had fucked up my life and I wanted you dead, if it had not been for Scully I would have shot you and I would have had to live with it, it would have destroyed what was left of me.

I woke up in Mexico and was taken to that box car, I forgot about everyone and everything that had been done to me, finally I had all the proof I needed right in front of me. But then that cancerous bastard tried to kill me, and to think at the time he knew I was his son.

I know that if it had not been for Albert Holstein I would have died there in Mexico under a ton of rubble. When I survived my encounter in Mexico I returned home, but now I was really pissed off with everyone. I knew that the data tape was all I had left to prove anything, but I was to learn that Skinner had it and that he would keep it safe.

After the rumours that you were present when Melissa Scully was shot, I had started to wonder just how evil the man I fell in love with really was. However, you had to go one step further and steal the one piece of evidence that I still had, Skinner was to confirm that it had been you who beat him in the stairwell.

You knew how much the truth meant to me and by stealing the tape I knew that you must really hate me. Even so, been the slimy rat bastard that you were you climbed back in the sewer and disappeared.

I became more depressed but like they say the show must go on, and it did until French sailors from the Piper Maru started dying of radiation burns. Therefore, like the good little agent that I was I started to follow all the leads, then there was the lead that would take me to Hong Kong.

I was so shocked that I just blurted out about how you had shot my father and that you should shoot yourself, and since I was hand cuffed to Jeraldine Kalenchuk when she was shot you did what you was good at and disappeared.

Did you really think that I was that stupid, let me see where would Alex go, doh the airport of course.

I hit you because I wanted you to hurt just like I did, but I should never have pinned you against that phone. All the memories came flooding back and I wanted you more than ever, even if it was just to kiss you, I had to let go of you and remind myself of who you really were. You were a murderer and a liar and you had gained my trust just to betray me, so I sent you to the bathroom to clean yourself up.

You were right Alex later I figured it all out, the alien was inside you and gave the one thing I needed back to that cancerous bastard, I had mixed emotions at the time as I really believed that you would have given me the data tape. I came to the silo, had you really believed that I would leave you to die had I known you where there.

Nobody Alex would deserve to die like that and maybe I should have come back to check, I was to find out later about the craft and how you were left to die.

I sometimes wondered if Cancerman knew about us and that I loved you, there were times when he would make comments regarding you, do you know he even kept that spaceship and left you to die in the room numbered with my birth date, the thirteenth of October.

You had disappeared without a trace and in some ways that pleased me, shit in Hong Kong I had struggled with myself not to touch you or kiss you, maybe it would be easier to never see you again.

You had other ideas though and could not stay away, you had to send me the receipts to lure me in and I guess you were always good at that. You gave me no warning that it had been you who sent them, I swear when you stepped out of that truck I hated you.

 I knew that I was an FBI agent and that I should not have hit you with my gun, but why had you come back to confuse me yet again. I wanted to walk away but you had to push regarding what you knew and about the pouch, but after the trip to the airport and finding just a dam rock I wanted rid of you.

You had used me enough and if I was to stay with you any longer I would just want you and that was bad. Therefore, I dumped you on Skinner and watched as he punched you hard in the stomach and he then dragged you on to the balcony, I had started to wonder if I had made a mistake taking you there so I just fled.

I had to be the one sent to release you after you pushed that man off Skinners balcony, at first when Skinner phoned me and said there was a dead body I felt sick, I just prayed that it was not you. Suddenly I realized that you were now my responsibility and I had to take you with me, I had nowhere to take you except back to my apartment.

As soon as you entered all the memories came flooding back, the memories of the time's we made love and when I was in love. I will never forgive myself for my actions at that moment but I wanted you more than anything and I also wanted you to suffer, for fucks sake you never deserved to be cuffed and raped.

You screamed in agony Alex as I penetrated you, and all you got in return was my hand over your mouth as I pushed deeper into you, I even told you to shut the fuck up and take it, I was so hard towards you that I tore you and caused you to bleed.

I saw the tears Alex and even felt the sobs, but I just hated you and thought that you were pathetic. I now know that I was the one person you loved and I had just hurt you more than I would ever know at the time.

After I came inside you I just stood and looked at you and when I saw all the tears and blood I felt sick, that was when I realized that I still loved you. Even so, I had to make myself believe that you were scum and not worthy of love, so I turned and walked into the bathroom.

You should have hated me Alex but you never mentioned the rape again, I forced you to remove the rest of your clothes and get in to the shower. I stood and watched as you cried then I spent the rest of the day dragging you around with me.

 At Marita's I left you in that car for over three hours by yourself then I returned and punched you. Moreover, in answer to your question babe I never punched you because it turned me on, I needed to touch you and that was the only way I knew how. I kissed you on the lips that night then drove to the airport.

When we arrived at J.F.K. airport you still had to push me, why could you have not just remained silent? I had planned to phone Scully straight away to get you, but no you had to start screaming at me in fuckin Russian, I swear at the time you knew that I would take you with me.

On that plane was the first time in ages that we connected and forgot about the past, you even arranged a lift for us. I had to admit at the time that as I spoke no Russian I would have been lost without you.

Then we were both caught Alex yet you managed to get out. You left me there to be infected with that shit, then the man in the next room said that you had betrayed me as you had spoken on the same level to the guards and not as a prisoner.

 It was a repeat of the past shit it was happening all over again, the betrayals and lies. I could not let you live and fuck up my life again. I had to finally accept that you hated me and never even cared if I was to live or die.

It was not planned Alex I just saw the truck and thought of it as a way out then I saw you, you stood there laughing not a care in the world. I had never planned to take you with me, I just wanted to beat the hell out of you but you ended up in the truck anyway.

When you jumped out I had no time to think as I knew that a crash was inevitable, I had to think about myself and getting back to America. Furthermore, in all honest truth I started to believe that you were dead.

Oh how it hurt Alex, I cried and wished things between us could have been different, I wished that you had loved me the way that I loved you. However, I had to force myself to accept that there was never any love on your part. I had been a fuckin idiot and was blinded by love, to blind to see the reality of it all.

I was mourning the loss of you and praying for a cure for Scully's cancer, Spender had fucked with so many people lives. Furthermore all the time that I cried for you, you were alive in Russia fucking someone else.

 I’m sorry as you never had an easy life in Russia, hell you never had an easy life full stop. It hurt so much to think of you in love with someone else and sharing a bed with them, but you ended up alone and suffering. You knew you would be a father and that should have made you happy, but you had lost Nikolai.  
I tried so hard to move on Alex, I had to pull myself together and sort out my own life. How do you do that when everyone seems to be against you, hell I had a case regarding some killer bees but as usual the evidence magically disappeared? Someone had taken the evidence and claimed to be me, can you imagine my shock when the camera showed an image of Skinner.

I had believed that even he had turned against me. After Skinner explained that he had done it for Scully and her cancer, I knew that I had no choice but to cover for him.

Cancerman was responsible for Scullys cancer and Skinner had sold his soul to the devil himself to save her. When we had dealt with everything I offered to take Skinner for a drink and he ended up back at my place that night. We were both so alone and spent hours drinking until we became totally pissed.

  
I was so drunk Alex that I went and sat on his thighs and kissed him. It meant nothing and never went any further than that kiss, after all the man was my boss. I must admit it was hard to look him in the face for a while. It had never been love not even an attraction it had been loneliness. I loved you and only you and was the biggest fool alive for doing so.

I guess that I’m now drunk and I’m jealous of the time you shared with Nikolai and let him fuck you. it hurts I guess that I always thought of you as mine and nobody else's, to think of you willingly giving yourself to him hurts like hell. However, then I never gave you a chance to explain, not that back then I would have believed you anyway.

I went through a rough time and became even more confused. Skinner had sacrificed his loyalty with the FBI for Scully's cure, yet she was still dying and as I searched for the truth I had started to believe that all I would find was lies.

I had found myself in a motel room covered in blood, I had no memory of what had happened. Apparently, the police had two bodies both killed with bullets from my gun, I was locked up and charged and I still have Scully to thank for believing in me and my release.

In my search for the truth I was even willing to let a madman drill a hole in my head. I kept having flashbacks of me and Samantha, yet I also kept seeing Spender there in our home, I even questioned my own mother as to my real father’s identity. Hell when she refused to answer I had started to wonder if that black lunged bastard was really my father.

You were screwed up by the man who might be my father, then again only someone totally screwed up could love Spooky Mulder. Maybe we were as screwed up as each other, shit I even killed a man sent to spy on me and faked my own death with help from Scully.

I had to find the men who were lying to us. Do you know Alex that when Scully lay dying in that hospital Spender offered me the opportunity to work for him, I must admit I was very tempted at the time but I saw sense before it was too late?

Back then I hated everyone for what they did to Scully, I even hated you Alex and prayed that you had died in Russia. I believed at the time that you were one of them and responsible for everything little wrong in my life, I never knew at the time how much you were suffering, but my whole life was full of lies.

I had really started to trust Skinner, hell he seemed to be going out of his way for myself and Scully. At that time in life I thought that things were starting to look up. Scully's cancer had gone into remission and it turned out that Spender was dead. He had been shot but yet there was no body.

Deep down I knew that the bastard would be back and I would swear that that cancerous bastard was the devil in disguise.  
Spender could be my father and he was responsible for fucking up your whole life Alex, the torture the rapes everything. It amazes me how you could still love me knowing that I could be his son, and have his blood in my veins.

You were so young and bright you could have gone so far in life, and he took all that away from you. I really wish that you had tried harder to explain everything to me while you were alive.

My whole life seemed to be one long roller coaster ride, I had watched Scully nearly die. However, that was not enough for her to endure as she had to watch Emily die. The child she never even knew about, did you know about the clones Alex and about Emily. I am sorry Alex I can't blame you hell Spender made you suffer more than anyone.

I’m starting to believe that the government is behind everything, the abductions and all the lies. I missed it when Scully was not my partner, I only ever loved her like a sister Alex.

She was safe as a partner and would always watch my back. When I had you as my partner I enjoyed been with you, hell you were willing to believe in me and looked up to me. Sometimes I wondered what it would have been like just to have you as my partner for longer than you were. However, I guess that in reality it would never have worked, shit we were too involved and would have been too preoccupied one of us would have ended up seriously hurt or dead, or the bureau would have kicked us out.

I would have done anything back then for you as my lover and my partner. Why did you have to die to tell me everything, did you not realize how hard it would be knowing how you felt about me, and not a dammed thing I can do about it? Mind you I suppose that I am an even bigger coward than you, you wrote that diary and wanted me to know.

I finally admit to my own past and how my own father abused me and no one will ever read it anyway. Well writing it down has made me release some of the tension, however I will finish this letter later. Right now I am going to jerk off thinking of you and what could have been, then I plan to get totally pissed and drift of in to oblivion for a while.

Okay where was I shit, my head still hurts from last night well I guess that's what happens when you drink too much. I realized that I am as guilty as all the others who destroyed your life, you were the only one that I ever loved yet when you died I might as well have pulled the trigger myself.

I had abused you just like everyone else ever did. Shit, I never even knew about your childhood not that I ever thought to ask you. I wish that you had told me Alex you were just a kid for fucks sake, fourteen years old and forced to let men fuck you, rape and torture you. I have come to believe that you must have been strong as most people would have given up years ago.

I myself, had only been abused by one man, yet it affected me so much and I was always afraid of loving someone. With you Alex there had been so many men who used and abused your body. Yet you appeared to want to avoid men, while I became the opposite and craved attention in whatever form I could get it, be it love friendship or just sex.

I guess that was the only time I ever got attention from my father when he was raping me. I was so fucked up Alex, Most people were not even aware that special agent Fox Mulder spent a lot of nights crawling the local gay bars.

I went with the sole purpose of finding someone who would give me attention and fuck me hard, just like daddy had done years ago. I now look back and feel sick by the way I behaved, everything just became too much for me and I lost my faith in everything and everyone.

I was fed up with all the bullshit and lies and knew that my own government had a lot to answer for. At one point in my life I was not even willing to believe myself or about Samantha's abduction, after I was hypnotized I still thought it was all just one big fuckin lie.

I  still find it strange how the human mind works, the more the government denies something the more people will believe it. Even with Cassandra Spender I had thought that it was all a lie, and that the woman was delusional. My life was total bullshit and I was starting to become depressed, I even started to believe that I had just wasted five years of my life while working on the fuckin x files.

When I believe in aliens, everyone calls me spooky yet when I stop believing everyone still gives me grief. Cassandra had apparently been abducted many times yet when I spoke out everyone disliked my opinion, shit even Doctor Berber was at that meeting, he was her Doctor and also the man who had hypnotized me a few years ago. Hell even the papers took the piss and then I had Cassandra's bloody son Jeffery on my back for talking to her.

  
Even after the events on Skyland mountain and the Russian dam, I still tried to find a way of not believing. I was even to sit with Scully as she was hypnotized yet all my beliefs and faith were gone.

All this was happening to me and just to top it all off, I truly believed that you had died in Russia and had started to accept that you were gone. However, it was over a year later that I was to enter my apartment to be assaulted by you.

I swear Alex that I never knew about your arm when I made that stupid comment. Shit why you Alex, I suppose that deep down you knew that I would believe you. You came with all your revelations regarding the rebel alien, then just to top off everything you had to fuckin kiss me.

I wanted to beg you to stay Alex but for once I was lost for words. I did what you asked and saw for myself the rebel alien and yes I got my faith back, but as for you shit Alex you just disappeared from my life yet again.

I was left knowing that you were alive and out there somewhere, you had kissed me and called me your friend, was that all I was to you Alex. I was totally lost yet again, every time you disappeared out of my life you would pop back up just to confuse me. I just wish that you had stayed long enough to talk to me, but no you just handed me the gun and walked away.

Consequently there you were one minute and then gone for months, I was always left wondering if you were dead or alive. Do you know what always amazed me about you Alex, it was your eyes babe when you looked all sultry you were so sexy, yet when you smiled your eyes sparkled, and you looked gorgeous? I would have loved to see you smile more, god I would give anything just to see you smile again.

 I’m going to have to accept facts babe and the fact is that I will never see or hold you ever again. After that time in my apartment when you kissed me and left, you disappeared for over a year Alex. I hurt so much and was confused and just to top it all off Diana turned back up on the scene.

She was to use her usual charm and work her way back into my life, hell at that point I only had Scully and I needed to feel wanted by someone.  
As a result once again Diana was back in my life and controlling it, but I felt good when she believed me about Gibson Praise. Shit it felt really strange to know that one boy could solve every x file.

However as usual I was taken in by all of them and once again it was all a setup, while you were in Russia having a good time I was just a pawn in their game along with Gibson Praise. The consortium wanted me as far away from him as possible, even Diana had been shot for getting in their way.

The bastards were not even happy then, my office was targeted and burnt to a crisp and once again I was nothing. I know from your diary Alex that it was not you responsible for the fire, but back then I blamed everything on you. Shit I really thought it was your way of getting revenge, and now I am sorry for ever thinking that you could hurt me that way.

I was left with nothing not even a fuckin office, that was the point where I realized they would only be happy when they destroyed myself and Scully.

The bastards had set us up and the ultimate way to destroy me was to take Scully from me. I ended up traveling a long way to get her back and I saw things that even I struggled to believe.

I saw aliens and even a fuckin spaceship, but you already knew about all the things I was just learning about. The one thing that I learnt from your diary was your willingness to forgive me, shit no matter what I did you always loved me.

However its now too late for me to say sorry to you, hell I spent many years accusing you of killing my father yet he deserved to die, and if I was anything of a man I would have killed him myself.

I guess at this point Scully was willing to start believing some of the things she had seen, but not all and that just made me feel so alone. However as usual my life just carried on no matter how I felt. However, look at me now Alex, sat here alone wondering if my life can carry on without you.

I still have Scully but she is very close to Agent Doggett now, and as for William the baby who I believe is my son well let's just say he's gone to a better home and I will never get the chance to be his father.

I have spent many years taking abuse and having people spy on me, but the day that I entered the apartment above mine I knew it was you. Did you really think that I would be fooled by your disguise, it was your gorgeous eyes babe that was the giveaway? Fuck my cock turned to stone straight away I hated you but wanted you at the same time, but you just ran as usual.

I often wondered what would happen if we were to end up in the same room face to face again. I had the chance to get you Alex but I let you get away, hell I even kept your dirty little secret for you despite how much it hurt me.

I could never tell anyone what I knew as Skinner would kill you, yet he ended up taking your life anyway and for that I will never forgive him.  
Shit I was trying to explain my life and now I'm ranting on, where was I oh yeah I was talking about your dirty little secret?

When I saw you in that hospital corridor I could not believe that you could be capable of what you did. Shit you tortured Skinner and let him die but I let you get away. I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep in a strange bed, I miss my old bed as it reminds me of you but now I have a waterbed. It is a long story and it just appeared a while ago.

The man that I loved was capable of horrendous things and back then part of me hated you Alex. I guess that from Skinners point of view he saw you as a good agent, and then you betrayed us all and Skinner took it bad as he was your AD.

I often wondered how any man could do what you did just as revenge, I vowed that day that I never wanted anything to do with you ever again from then on. I let you go but always wondered if I should have caught you and beat the shit out of you just to teach you a lesson. How did it feel Alex to play god and have a mans life in your hands?

SR819 was all nothing but a hoax and a lie, back then Skinner and Scully were all that I had left and I would have done anything for them. Skinner came so close to having his arms amputated by Doctors, Fuck Alex what do you think that would have done to me. I dragged you along with me to Russia and have to live with the fact that you returned minus your fuckin arm.

It turned out that Skinner knew all along that it was you Alex, which was why he stopped me from investigating any further, shit it’s getting hard to type now due to the vodka and lack of food.

The rebel’s burn so many people yet that cancerous bastard got to carry on living, shit I even let Diana kiss me and get close. Fuck I’m drunk and all I want is you Alex, why did I ever give you up as I loved you so much and for a short while you were mine but I fucked up?

I believe that was why I turned to Diana, I saw her as a safe option even though she always used me as a doormat and nothing more. Life had moved on as it always did and I wanted anyone who would have me.

I knew that deep down I could never have what I really wanted, and that was you Alex. However I still hated myself for having feelings for you after everything that had happened. I had an argument with Scully and only Diana was there when I needed someone.

I ended up in a psychiatric hospital due to that artefact, no one would believe me or help me. I had no control over my brain so it worked overtime even causing me to be violent.

  
I knew that when Skinner came to visit I had to make him help me, he had to get Kritchkov to come to the hospital. It was strange at first, reading people’s minds and knowing their dark secrets. That was how I learnt that it was you who was blackmailing Skinner, but I remember very little about that time in my life.

Scully had gone out of her way to save me, hell they even killed Diana because she betrayed them. All that searching and I had within me what I wanted, yet I no longer knew how much more I could take. You knew so much about the conspiracy and the aliens, yet you had disappeared from my life such a long time ago.

I was left wondering yet again if you were even alive, all I wanted was a normal life but even that was too much to ask for. Life had gone on yet I was starting to become really depressed, but I vowed that I would find Samantha. I guess that it just made me one fucked up sad bastard who spent so many years alone.

Nothing has changed and I still sit here alone wanting you, I even have nightmares of that night in the garage and you dead on the cold concrete. Shit I need some sleep before I drive myself into an even deeper depression.  
Well I have managed to get a few hours’ sleep, but the pain still remains. I sit here writing this and try to explain my own life knowing that it won't help, I deserve to die and am in part to blame for your death. Shit I am driving myself mad with things that are unchangeable.

Well my life was normal, well as normal as it gets anyway until I received a case regarding a missing child. When Amberlyn Lopier disappeared everyone was right and I became too close, I just had this gut instinct that something was of the highest importance regarding myself. I always wondered how people could take a child and harm them so much.

My whole life had been about finding my sister Samantha, and I will always have the images of all those graves in my head. However everything was to change in my life, my mother committed suicide due to having a terminal disease. And so many years of searching and now it was finally over, I had met the spirit of my sister and learnt what had happened to her.

My sister had been taken to spare her the death that she would have had, a death at the hands of her own father. That cancerous bastard had tortured his own daughter and I hated him more than ever.

I started to wonder what was even left for me anymore, my whole family dead and gone also you had never reappeared. I even had a fling with Scully as I felt so alone, but I have made the mistake in the past of fucking a partner, only to end up getting used and betrayed by them.

  
However I stuck it out and worked the cases that I received, then I got that case regarding Oregon. It was like going back in time, right back to the beginning where it all started. Furthermore just to add insult to injury you finally decided to show yourself Alex, just after I had believed that you were gone for good.

Skinner was right to protect you that day, I was totally pissed off when you appeared in my office offering me even more help. Fuck this I am supposed to be writing this to express how I feel and let it all go. I just wish that I could go back and change everything, to have realized that you might be suffering.

Every time that I laid eyes on you I became angry, but you had already been abused and tortured so much in life. However when I saw you with Marita you looked so thin Alex, and now I know the truth and where you had been.

Part of me hated you Alex, yet there was also this part of me that still wanted you. Hell I was even willing to work alongside you and give you as much help as I could. You were the only person that I had ever loved, yet I still saw you as the one who destroyed my life.

However my first thought was for the truth and what was in Oregon, so I took it all in and listened to you.

I even decided to go back there that night, Skinner even accompanied me instead of Scully. I guess that I got more than I bargained for by returning there, but you know how curios I am.

I have vague memories of the time that I was abducted, but I do believe that it made me a stronger person. However I am pleased that I have no memories of the time that I was buried, god to be buried for three months alone I don't even want to think about that.

I came back to find Scully pregnant with William, who later was to be adopted. I wish that I had the chance to be a father, yet you left Sasha your beautiful son without his dad.

I blamed everything on you Alex, I believed that my abduction was nothing but a trap and planned by that cancerous bastard and carried out by you.  
Why the hell did you never make me see sense? You should have put a gun to my head and made me read the diary while you were alive.

However, it's all too late now and nothing can change. I hate knowing that you sat in the freezing cold beside my grave, just sat alone believing that I was dead. Even so you still had to deal with Skinner and all the hate, thank you Alex for loving me and saving my life I owed you so much but never knew.

When I returned from the grave I heard all the rumours, you had tried to kill the baby and had even destroyed the vaccine instead of helping me. I believed all that I was told about you but now I had to look out for Scully and the baby.

I got to a point in life where all I seemed to do was piss everyone off, Kersh wanted to see me gone and as for Doggett that's another story. I guess that he saw me as a threat at first and I have to admit that I really disliked Doggett and he seemed to dislike me.

Okay if I am going to be honest I just tagged along on Doggett's cases, well I still had no idea why the hell he was put on the x files. Even Agent Reyes was far more open minded than him, she would have been the best candidate to fill my shoes or they should have left me running it.

I ended up on a bloody oil rig following Agent Doggett, Scully believed that it was the black oil and all I had was visions of you Alex in Hong Kong. Why were there so many things in my life that had to trigger memories of you whether they be good or bad?

I now know that you tried to help me and Scully, hell if not for you I believe that Billy Miles would have ended mine and Scully's life. That's what I could not get my head around at first, you saved us from Billy Miles and even risked coming to the FBI headquarters and facing Skinner. You then left Skinner injured in that lift and just disappeared so I was left thinking that you had betrayed me yet again.

Later you returned Alex with knowle Roer, hell you even pointed a gun at me and threatened to kill me. At the time I believed that you wanted me dead however I’m now left alone knowing that you wanted someone to kill you.

Shit this is so pointless and I believe that its time I ended this letter before I become suicidal myself. I am planning to get totally pissed and just forget everything.

However, there's just one thing I will never forgive you for Alex, and that was your choice to die in front of me. Furthermore, I will never ever as long as I live forget the image of you lying there on that cold floor dead. That was the day that my life truly ended babe and now I go on in pain every day until my own sad pathetic life ends.

After watching you die, I later returned to the morgue and held your lifeless body in my arms. You were still warm Alex and at that moment I wanted to join you in death, no more suffering and pain as you were my enemy yet I still loved you. I never wanted to say goodbye as I knew that I would never see you again.

Now it's worse than ever, you're dead and I can't do a damn thing about it. You were not the person I hated as the true you stayed hidden, and now that I know the truth it hurts like hell. All the time we wasted because I never even asked you why.

You were vulnerable and just trying to stay alive, you had so many enemies because of what Spender had made you. I am no exception as I beat you every time I saw you, shit I even raped you and caused you to lose your arm. God I want to throw up now and I think that maybe I have drunk too much.

I have no right to a life after what I did to you, shit I believed that I had right's because you killed my father. However my father was a rapist and deserved everything, where as you Alex had your life forced upon you just like Samantha. I loved you so much and want to hold you, see the real Alex and not the cold Krycek you became, but I can't anymore.

However things change Alex, only a week after you died the rebels took over and waged a war against the aliens. The population of this planet now has a future, you fought for that future yet you will never get to see it.

I don't even know where you're buried, I later returned to the morgue but your body was gone. You gave me a key to your heart and your past, and now I know that you just wanted to die and end it all.

As for me, well I’m alive but without any real future as I’m so alone. You even died without knowing that your own son has a future and will be safe.  
I know that we still have some aliens on the planet, but they are healers and would never hurt us. I am pleased for Scully as she has moved on and has a life, you see Alex in the war a lot of people died.

I survived along with Skinner, We still talk but I will never forgive him for killing you as he took away the man I loved. Skinner outright murdered you Alex, he never had to fire that fatal shot.

I now know that I must face a life alone, and that I should let you move on and rest in peace. However saying goodbye's hard babe, just remember that I forgive you with all my heart.

I never did stop loving you Alex, and I will never forget you.  
I hope that there is an afterlife and that one day I will see you again.  
Take care Alex wherever you are, you will always be in my heart and thoughts. I never stopped loving you babe.  
Fox xx.

A Cruel Rats Tale  
End of Part 2 Fox's Story

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

 A Cruel Rat's Tale  
Part three Alex and Fox  
By CarolelaineD

Alex woke sometime later to find himself in a strange place, he had thought that hell would be worse than this somehow.

He then heard a door open and someone entered, Alex looked up to see the face of Jeramiah Smith. Suddenly everything came back to him, The FBI garage Mulder had been there and so had Skinner, he remembered that Skinner had a gun and had shot him three times. Alex's first reaction was to feel his forehead, he realized that there was no bullet wound.

"Fuck what did you do to me, I should be dead now?"

"It was not your time to die Alex."

"You fuckin bastard I went there to die, shit I wanted to just end everything."

"Most people thank me for giving them their life back, You are a very strange and difficult man Alex Krycek, but your life has not been fulfilled yet."

"Just great my life was over now I get brought back to suffer even more, you should have left me dead."

"Please Alex just try and calm down getting all worked up will do you no good."

"Let me die then."

"Alex I am not in charge I am following orders."

"Who gave the orders to save me then Jeramiah?"

"You of all people Alex should know that I cannot tell you that."

"Why me?"

"You were not meant to die yet Alex, you were supposed to have a long life and that's all that I can tell you."

"Where the hell am I, shit how long have I been here?"

"It's a small motel just outside D.C. as I had to find somewhere safe. You have now been here for about two weeks Alex."

"Can I leave or am I now stuck here for eternity."

"You are free to leave Alex but you must be very careful as you still have enemies out there."

"No shit back to the rat race yet again."

"Alex you are safe if your enemies don't see you, You now have the advantage that they believe your dead."

"Jeramiah can I ask you just one more question…"

"Go ahead Alex what is it?"

"What would happen if I decided to kill myself, would I stay dead?"

"I’m sorry Alex but I have no idea, you could remain dead or they might decide to bring you back to life again."

"Fuck I don't want to be alive why can't you just leave me the hell alone. I can't live in peace and I can't even die in peace."

"Look I am really sorry and it's time for me to leave now. You are the only human that has made so much fuss about having his life back. You are on your own now Alex I suggest you think about the future you want."

"What do you want me to say, shit I have no intention of thanking you not for bringing me back to this hell hole?"

"Life can be what you want Alex, goodbye."

Fuck why him all he had wanted was to die and be left alone, there was no way that he was willing to go through any more pain again.

Fuck them all he would just end his life if they brought him back he would just keep doing it until they got sick of bringing him back. He could be as manipulative as them and he was not going to allow anyone to say when his life would end. He had spent a whole life already having everyone tell him what to do, well not anymore.

Maybe he could just disappear and start a new life, no what was the point he would still be all alone. He spent the next few hours just thinking then he thought about Fox and remembered the diary, shit he had to move and go check out the safety deposit box. Alex knew that it had been two weeks since his death shit Fox might already have the diary and worse still he might have read it.

Alex got up and showered, he then dressed in the clothes that were left for him. well at least someone knew what he liked he slipped on the leather jacket once he was dressed, he had been left a car and a small amount of money so he got into the car and decided to check out the safety deposit box first, then he realized that he no longer had the key. Shit he would have to go to Fox's apartment after all.

On the drive to Hegal place Alex prayed that he would only find the key and not the diary, he decided there and then that if Fox had read the diary he would end his own life, as certain things were not meant to be known unless he was dead.

Alex drove to Alexandria early and waited for him, he knew sooner or later Fox would go for a morning run. Soon his patience was to pay off as he saw Fox exit the apartment block, Alex watched the long lean body move with grace god how he still loved Fox.

He sat there thinking of how he could kidnap him and take Fox somewhere else, he knew it was just a fantasy and that he could not make Fox love him. Alex knew that he would rather be alone or dead than have Fox hate him more than he already did.

He realized that he was wasting time and needed to move, once he saw Fox turn the corner he got out of the car and made his way to the apartments.  
Alex had used the stairs up to the fourth floor he then picked the lock on number forty two and entered.

He checked out the apartment to find out that all was quiet and how it should be, he realised that it felt strange been here now shit he could even smell Fox. Alex opened the fridge and wondered when Fox had started to drink vodka, he removed the bottle and took a large mouthful well Fox would never suspect he had taken it not when he was supposed to be dead.

Alex drank the vodka as he looked around, he found the diary under some papers next to the PC but he knew by the way the pages were turned back that Fox had read it.

He took the vodka in to the bedroom and sat on the bed he grabbed the pillow and inhaled the scent. All he wanted was to feel close to Fox so he remained where he was and started knocking back the vodka like it was water, he then removed his gun from his jacket.

Alex had decided to get drunk and then end his sad pathetic life, this time the bastards could leave him dead or he would be pissed off big time.

Fox returned from his run to find that it had made no difference, his head still ached and he was totally fed up so he decided to just get pissed and forget about everything. It was not like he had a job any more or anything.

He searched the fridge fuck where had that bottle of vodka gone he knew that he had not drunk it, after searching the cupboards Fox decided to get the spare bottle that was in his wardrobe. He opened the bedroom door and then his eyes fell towards the bed, which was when he started shouting.

"Fuck no you're dead, I saw you die with my own eyes it must be a dream. Why are you here Alex you can move on now I forgave you for everything?"

"God Fox just calm down and shut the fuck up, I am alive."

"I saw you die Alex you're dead, hell I even held you."

"Fox I can assure you that I am very much alive, if you really want to know how ask Jeramiah Smith why the fuck he brought me back."

"You are really alive, shit Alex I can't believe it."

"Don't worry Fox its only temporary, and I will be out of your hair soon."

"What the hell do you mean it's only temporary, why Alex?"

Suddenly Fox knew exactly what Alex meant when he saw the gun and heard the safety released, fuck no not again. Fox moved far faster than Alex who was rather drunk and knocked the gun to the floor, he then grabbed the shocked man and punched him hard.

"You fuckin bastard Alex, I watched you die once before and now you want me to watch again, why did you come here to do it well fuck you because I won't let you?"

Fox had Alex pinned down on the bed and he was very pissed of that Alex had come to his apartment to kill himself.

"I thought that you cared Alex yet you came here to blow your fuckin head off."  
"Please Fox just let me go then and I will go somewhere else to do it."

  
"I lost you once so fuck you if you think that I will let you just leave again."

"Please Fox, I don't need this right now."

"I read your diary Alex. Why did you never explain before?"

"It's over for you Fox you can move on and I will be gone soon."

"You don't understand do you Alex, I won't let you go because I love you."

"Shit Fox you either think that I am stupid or totally pissed, tell me what I want to hear just so I won't shoot myself."

"Alex just for your information I do not think that you are stupid, and I also know that you can knock plenty of vodka back and still stand. Will you do just one thing for me Alex and then if you still want to leave, I promise that I won't stop you?"

"What do you want from me Fox?"

Fox got up and then he grabbed Alex by the hand and pulled him up.

"Come with me Alex and I will show you."

Fox entered the room and told Alex to sit in front of the PC, he then opened a file.

"Read it Alex please while I make some coffee, and I never meant to hit you babe you just scared me."

Alex was starting to feel rather nervous why had Fox called him babe, shit then he felt Fox kiss him on the top of the head as he left the room. Alex saw the heading on the file a letter to Alex, fuck Fox must have read the diary and wrote a reply.

He started to read the letter and the more he read the more he sobered up. He finally finished reading the letter and started to cry, all those years that he had thought that Fox hated him, he then felt the arm around him as the man he loved hugged him.

"Surely you must understand now that I can't let you kill yourself Alex, shit I thought that I had lost you forever after what Skinner did."

"How could you still want me Fox after everything?"

"God don't you see Alex, Jeramiah Smith gave you a second chance so you can do thing's different this time, and what about your son he must mean something to you?"

"I have always loved you Fox, but as for Sasha he will be better off without me."

"I won't push you Alex regarding your son, for now we need to sort ourselves out. I have nothing and when I lost you I wanted to die Alex shit I even started drinking and wondering what the point of carrying on was. Please stay Alex I can't say that it will be easy, but if what you wrote in that diary's the truth, we deserve it to each other to at least give it one more go. All I ask is that you allow us one more chance."

"Everything I wrote in that diary was the truth, which was why you were only supposed to read it after I was dead."

"But I have read it now and I am glad that I know everything, I had really started to believe that I meant nothing to you. After you died I was to find out that you had loved me all along and could do nothing about it, how would you have felt Alex if it had been you."

"God I am sorry Fox, at the time I just wanted you to know that I still loved you, and why I did all the things that I did to you."

"Alex you cannot be blamed for a lot of the things you have done, most were forced upon you. How I see it we now have three choices Alex, I can let you go ahead and shoot yourself and live knowing that you never loved me enough to try again, or you can just leave and never see each other again, hell I would rather never see you than you be dead. The third choice is where we try to be a couple and have a future together, so which is it to be Alex."

"Thanks for the great choice Fox, but it's not a hard choice of course I love you enough to stay, and at least try again as long as that's what you really want."

"God Alex I want that more than anything, can I give you a hug now to make it official."

Alex held his arms out to Fox, they both hugged each other and cried.  
The evening started very tense but by the end of the night both men became relaxed with each other.

"I have not used the bed in a long time Alex, I will just pop and make it up for you."  
"Shit Fox why do you still sleep on the couch?"

"I have my reasons but don't worry about that tonight."

Fox went and put clean sheets on the bed while Alex showered, then Fox decided to have a shower himself before bed, when he finished Alex was fast asleep. Fox fell on the couch and cried with happiness, he finally had his errant lover back where he belonged.

He woke sometime later and realised that he could hear crying coming from the bedroom, he then remembered that Alex had mentioned he suffered from really bad nightmares. Fox got up and went into the bedroom, he then laid beside his lover and held him.

"It's okay babe I am here for you, please wake up for me Alex it's just a dream."

"I am awake Fox."

"Shit Alex I thought you were having a nightmare, why are you crying then babe?"

"You say that you love me Fox and you call me babe all the time, why?"

"I do love you Alex, is that what upsets you that I can still really love you."

"If you really love me Fox why did you choose to sleep on the couch and not with me?"

Fox realised at that moment that Alex had suffered so much, that the slightest thing would make him feel rejected, Fox knew it was going to be hard to break that barrier.

"God Alex so you thought that I never really loved you, hell I thought that it would be too much for you if I had just jumped straight into bed with you. I only ever used this bedroom when you were here babe and I guess that we both will need to adjust."

"Thanks for the concern Fox, but I think that we have been in and out of this relationship long enough to know how we feel and what we want."

"So you want me to sleep in bed with you, what else do you want babe?"

"Yeah I want you to sleep with me, I want you to just hold me tonight Fox, maybe tomorrow we can take it further."

Alex reached Fox's mouth and kissed him long and hard forcing his tongue into the willing mouth. They finally broke the kiss and fell asleep in each other's arms.

Over the course of the next few days they became as close as they had been a long time ago, if not closer. They decided mutually that certain past events would never be mentioned. Fox still carried the guilt for raping the man he loved, he had even dragged him to Russia causing the loss of his arm. Alex had never blamed him and claimed that it was his own fault for pissing Fox off and betraying him.  
Fox was adamant that they discussed a couple of things that still bothered him.

"Alex why did you come to the garage and want me to shoot you?"

"Deep down I believed that you hated me Fox and that you would have some kind of justice, if you were the one to kill me. I really wanted to die and never thought much beyond that fact."

"Yeah but what about Skinner how do you feel towards him, do you blame him Alex for what he did."

"I guess that I was to blame, shit I went there to piss off everyone so you would shoot me, Skinner could have just killed me outright, there was no need to make me suffer first."

"Skinner still visits me so I will have to let him know about you, hell about us both."

"Please Fox don't, shit I can't face Skinner."

"I have to tell him Alex, I would rather explain everything to him than him finding out himself."

"Shit no Fox, Skinner will kill me all over again."

"Alex I swear that I will not now or ever again let anyone hurt you. You have already suffered so much and I was never there for you."

"Okay if you feel that you really must, but please Fox can it wait for just a while as I want us to spend some time together first."

"That's fine babe, I really want things to work out this time between us."

"So was that it Fox was that all that bothered you, if so we can move on now."

"No Alex there was just one more thing that I wanted to mention."

"What would that be, Fox?"

"Sasha."

"Please Fox don't go on again, he deserves a far better father than I could ever be."

"Look Alex, you are a decent person, and now that you are free of the consortium you can prove who you really are. All I ask is that you maybe find time to see him now and again."

"Why is it so important to you Fox?"

"No matter what Alex, Sasha's your son and has a right to know his father. You are not the man you were forced to be anymore, don't deny the child something you yourself lost so long ago."

"Okay Fox if it means so much I promise that I’ll think about it, but that's all I can't do better than that and last time I spoke to Anna, I sent her some money and told her that I would never see her or my son again. Anna never said anything but I believe that she knew what I had planned."

"Look just start by phoning her or even writing a letter, just let Anna know that you're okay, when did you last see your son Alex?"

"Over a year ago now, he will be three now but every time I visited it hurt too much to say goodbye."

"You really do love him don't you babe?"

"Yeah so much that it hurts when I first saw him I cried my eyes out, that tiny baby was part of me."

"He still is a part of you Alex, and when you feel up to it call Anna and arrange to see your son."

Fox left it at that as he never wanted to hurt Alex, he realised that the hard look was for survival, underneath lay a very fragile and sensitive man but after the life Alex had lived what could you expect.

Fox was determined that this would be a fresh start for them both, he was even happier when Alex phoned Anna regarding his son.  
Everything seemed so perfect except Alex refused to remove his top in bed or during sex, Fox had tried to reassure him that he was not disgusted and that Alex was perfect as he was.

It was a week later when Fox caught Alex sat on the couch crying in frustration

."Please tell me what's wrong babe? I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"Just forget it Fox it will be okay."

"Like hell it will Alex so you might as well just tell me."

"It's my arm I should have removed the damn thing."

"Please Alex will you let me look at it."

Alex hated that part of himself and the tears flowed faster, he was unable to speak so he just nodded.  
"God Alex what the hell was you trying to do, shit you must be in agony babe."

Fox had removed the tee shirt to find Alex's arm had swollen over the edge of the hard plastic, he knew that it would hurt Alex more when it was removed.

"I never ever wanted you to see it Fox, I’m no longer whole and it's repulsive."

"Shit Alex it's part of you and I love you so much, I’m not repulsed by it babe I see it as a sign of strength and courage, you survived so much Alex, but if not for yourself please learn to remove it for me."

Alex agreed to let Fox remove it and take a look, when Fox un strapped the arm he saw all the blisters so he bathed it and applied some ointment. After a few days the blisters went down and Alex finally after so many years faced up to the real loss of his arm and accepted it. If the man he loved was not repulsed by it why should he be. After Fox had dealt with Alex's arm they had an early night.

The next morning both men woke early, Fox reached across and gave the man he loved a kiss.

"Make love to me Fox."

"It would be my pleasure babe."

Fox rolled Alex on to his back and started kissing his neck he then worked down to the sensitive nipples, where he sucked and tugged on them until they became hard buds. Fox started to work his way lower leaving a trail of kisses, he then kissed Alex's thigh's totally bypassing the mans throbbing hard cock.

"Please Fox don't tease me, I need to feel you inside me lover."

"Soon babe don't worry."

Fox positioned Alex's legs over his shoulders and grabbed the lube from under the pillow, he then coated his fingers and applied a generous amount to Alex's ass. Fox inserted his fingers one at a time until he had three inside the quivering body beneath him.

"God I'm ready Fox, please fuck me now."

Fox entered Alex's small tight hole forcing his hard cock into the mans anal passage, he then hit Alex's prostate causing him to scream out. Fox worked up a rhythm but knew that he could hold back no longer, he screamed Alex's name as he came. Fox then reached for Alex's hard erection only to have his hand knocked away.

"No Fox, please let me make love to you now."

Within seconds Fox was on his back with his legs wide apart.

"Take me babe, I'm all yours."

"You wanton slut Fox."

"Yeah but you love me babe."

Alex smiled down at the gorgeous willing man who lay before him as he prepared his ass. He realised that he would do anything for Fox, maybe he would see his son and take his lover with him.

"Are you still with me Alex?"

"Yeah sorry I was miles away Fox."

"Thanks Alex, am I not good enough to be here with?"

"I was just thinking how much I love you, and how happy I am."

"I love you too babe but can you just fuck me now."

Alex worked his cock slowly inside his lover’s ass, but Fox had other ideas and thrust his hips up forcing Alex's cock deep inside.

"God you really are a desperate slut Fox."

"Just give it to me babe."

Alex worked up a pretty fast rhythm and came screaming, they then shared a kiss. Both men had been so busy that they never heard the door and all of Fox's visitors seemed to let themselves in.

Alex just lay on top of his lover enjoying the afterglow of sex that was until he heard the voice.  
"What the fuck are you doing?"

They both looked up to see Skinner, and god the man looked pissed off. Before either of them could react Skinner pulled Alex away from Fox by his hair shoving him hard to the floor.

"What the fuck is that dirty rat bastard doing here Mulder?"

"Please Skinner it's not what you think, Alex was healed by Jeramiah Smith."  
"What is Krycek holding over you Mulder, god it must be bad if you let him fuck you?"

In the time Skinner was busy talking Alex had managed to stand up.

"Please Skinner leave Fox alone, it's me you hate not him."

Skinner turned around and punched Alex hard in the stomach, he winded the man and caused him to fall to his knees. Skinner was just about to kick Alex when he heard the click of a gun.

"What the fuck are you doing Mulder?"

"Turn around Skinner and walk out, or I swear to God that I will shoot you."

"So you would protect that rat bastard well he must really have something big over you Mulder. However, if that's the way you want it I'm leaving."

Fox watched as Skinner walked out, he then went to Alex and held the shaking man.

"God, do you think that you can stand, come on let's get you on the bed."

"I'm Fine Fox and believe me I have had worse than this in life."

"Yeah but this was to be a new start babe."

"It's okay Fox the bruises will fade."

Alex spent most of the day in bed as Fox had insisted but later that night Fox came and held him and tried to explain that things had to be dealt with.

"I swear that I will make Skinner understand that we love each other, then he will have to leave us alone babe."

"I love you Fox but I don't want you to lose your friends on account of me."

"Don't worry babe I have not been close friends with Skinner for a while now, well not since he murdered you that is."

"I am really sorry that you had to watch me die Fox."

"You're here now Alex and that’s all that matters, come on let's sleep babe."

When morning arrived, Fox decided that he would phone Skinner before things became way out of hand. Skinner agreed to meet him at a cafe in one hour, Fox knew that he would have to get moving as it was a thirty minute drive. Skinner had only made one request and that was that Fox leaves the dirty rat bastard at home, as he wanted to talk to Fox alone.

Fox had sat Alex down and had explained that he needed to meet Skinner, otherwise Skinner could become a real problem. Alex was pleased that he had to go nowhere near Skinner. Fox grabbed his keys and gave Alex a long smothering kiss.

"I love you Alex and you will always come first from this day forwards."

"I love you too Fox but please be careful."

Fox kissed Alex again then left.

Alex decided to have a coffee and read the paper, god he hated been alone. He was in the kitchen when he heard the apartment door.

"God Fox you only left five minutes ago, so what did you forget then?"

Alex turned around but the smile disappeared when he saw Skinner.

"Get the fuck out of here Skinner."

Alex was then shoved up hard against the wall, and Skinner had no trouble holding the one armed man in place.

"But I don't want to leave Alex, I would rather fuck you over like you have done to Mulder."

"Fox loves me and you're just fuckin jealous Skinner."

Alex felt the slap across his face, so he reacted by spitting in Skinners face.

"You will pay for everything you dirty bastard."

At first Alex had thought that Skinner was getting a tissue to wipe the spit from his face, but as Alex felt the cloth go over his own mouth and nose he realised what it was, but by then it was too late as everything went black.

Fox had struggled through some heavy traffic and arrived twenty minutes late. When he entered the cafe there was no sign of Skinner, he waited for a while but he suddenly felt very sick. Shit he had left Alex alone and what if it was a set up, he knew Skinner was pissed off.

However surly even he would not hurt Alex, he went to his car and drove home as fast as he could. Fox arrived at the apartment and realised just how quiet it was, he looked everywhere but Alex had gone. It was only when he saw the leather jacket and Alex's arm that he knew his lover had not gone willingly, shit how could Alex defend himself with just one arm.

He tried to think if it was Skinner where he would have taken Alex and what he might do to him. Fuck they had just found happiness and a future together, the big question was where the hell he would start looking.

Alex woke sometime later and found himself on a mattress in an empty room. He was naked with his ankles tied and his one arm cuffed, there was also a chain leading from the hand cuff to the ankle restraints. Alex realised that he was unable to move yet he still felt sick from the chloroform, which was when he noticed Skinner.

"What the fuck do you want with me Skinner, shit you got revenge when you shot me in the fucking head?"

"I want to know what hold you have on Mulder to let you fuck him."

"Fuck you Skinner as it's none of your business."

Alex felt the room spin as Skinner backhanded him across the mouth.

"You still have that smart mouth Krycek, you would do well to remember all it ever did was get you into trouble. Therefore, I will ask you again Krycek what do you have on Mulder?"  
"You don't get it do you, Fox loves me and I love him."

"I respect Mulder and he is a friend, you really expect me to believe that he could love scum like you?"

"Do you know Skinner I don't really give a shit what you think."

"Let's put it this way boy you can refuse to tell me the truth all you want, but one way or another I will get the truth out of you."

"I’ve been tortured by far worse men than you Skinner, you don’t scare me."

"You never really knew me Krycek, and if I were you I would be very afraid."

With that Skinner got up and left the room and Alex found himself alone, he no longer had any concept of time he just drifted in and out of sleep. When he finally managed to stay awake he looked up to see Skinner looming over him.

"Well it has been a few hours, and I guess after the chloroform that you are thirsty."

"Fuck you Skinner."

"No thanks Krycek, but I might have great pleasure fucking you."

"Stay the fuck away from me Skinner."

"I see that you really need some discipline boy, and maybe a gag over that pretty mouth."

"Just let me fucking go, NOW."  
"Not a chance in hell Krycek, but first you will receive no water until you apologize."

"Apologize for what Skinner shit you kidnapped me?"

"It’s okay I will leave you alone to think about the apology you will be giving me."

"I would rather rot in hell than apologize to you Skinner."

"Believe me Krycek this will be worse than hell for you."

Alex was left for a couple of days all alone, he had to lay in his own urine and crap. He was becoming weak and severely dehydrated, he used the last of his energy to roll into a corner and huddled into a small tight ball. Alex now believed that Skinner has left him in this cold dark room to die. The memories of a time long ago flooded back, a dark place no food or water a time that he had been left to die alone in a silo.

He felt claustrophobic and started to even accept the fact that he would die here, he would never see Fox again and he had only just found him after so many years of pain. He thought about Nikolai and how he had lost him, also the son he would never see again. Alex Krycek accepted defeat and waited to die, but he was unable to hold back the screams.

Mulder had gone out of his mind with worry over a day now and no Alex, he then heard the knock at the door and was surprised to see his guest.

"What the hell do you want Skinner, and where's Alex?"

"I just came to apologize Mulder, my car broke down and I was unable to meet you yesterday."

"So you don't know where Alex is then?"

"Mulder I have no idea what the hell you are going on about."

Mulder led the man inside his apartment and explained everything.

"Is there anyone else Mulder that might know Alex is alive, someone who might want revenge."

"I can't think of anyone, shit I thought most of them had died."

"Look Mulder, I will use FBI recourses and see what I can learn then I will call back tomorrow, you just try and get some sleep."

"Thank you sir, I would appreciate that."

"Can I ask you just one question Mulder?"

"Yeah sure."

"What the fuck has Krycek got that would allow you to let him fuck you?"

"Alex has nothing over me and the only one thing he has of mine, is my heart Sir."

With that Mulder found himself alone with the promise of Skinner's help. Well at least that was better than no help at all.

Later that day Skinner returned to the basement, he saw the mess and Alex huddled in the corner asleep, he went over to him to check him out and he knew Alex had become weak so it was time for plan two.

"I'm back Alex wake up."

Alex looked up at Skinner with lifeless dull green eyes, his throat hurt as he tried to talk.

"Water, please need water."

"All in good time Alex, but first you need a bath."

Skinner had no trouble moving the cuffs from Alex's body, he lifted him over his shoulder and proceeded to the bathroom. Alex was too weak to fight as Skinner placed him in the bath, he then used the shower to clean Alex. He watched as Alex tried to catch the water in his mouth.

"No Alex that's naughty and will get you punished, you will only get water when I say so."

Skinner got no reply from the man, he showered Alex fast and got him out. He knew that Alex would be easier to manage if he remained weak Skinner smiled to himself as he thought about his plans. He finally dried Alex then returned him to the mattress and re cuffed him.

"It's okay Alex, soon you will become so weak we won't need the restraints. Even though you do look pretty when you’re cuffed."

Alex was allowed a glass of water but that was all, he still felt really weak but at least his throat eased up a bit, then he had to face Skinners questioning yet again.

"Come on Alex, you can now tell me the truth why are you fucking with Mulders head, what have you done to him?"  
"He loves me."

"I said that I wanted the truth Alex now try again."

"That is the truth, I will not lie to please you at least I can go to the grave knowing how much he really loved me."

"You are really trying my patience Alex, if I do not hear the truth in the next minute the pain will really begin."

Alex sat there knowing he would die either way, Skinner would never believe Mulder loved him. Hell and if he lied Skinner would kill him for hurting Mulder. Alex knew he was a dead man but would depart from this world only thinking about the love he shared with Fox.

"Do what you want Skinner, but I was forced to lie my way through life there's no way I will end it the same way.

Skinner stood and started to walk away.

"I will be back soon Alex then you will find out what real pain is."

  
Alex sat there knowing that he was going to be tortured, just not knowing what the form of torture would be. Was Skinner that dense to think he had never felt pain before? Fuck in the past he had laid awake and had his arm hacked off with no anaesthetic, he honestly believed nothing could ever compare to that pain.

Furthermore, that was not even torture as the poor bastards believed that they were helping him. Skinner returned after about ten minutes.

"Well boy this is your last chance are you prepared to tell me the truth yet?"

"Fuck you Skinner."

"Well that was not very clever was it Alex."

Alex could feel Skinners breath as he came close to him.

“You really are pretty Alex, the question is do I fuck you first or torture you..."  
"I have had worse Skinner your fuck all compared."

Alex felt the backhander then he felt Skinners hands grip his ass tight, then the large finger that forced its way into his dry ass. Alex bit his lip and refused to make any noise.

"Don't worry you will scream for me soon Alex. I always thought you managed to well with only one hand, I wonder if you would do so well with none hell maybe I should hack off your other arm Alex. At least that would slow you down."

"What the fuck do you want from me Skinner?"

"The truth, but don't worry your pretty head Alex, it was only a joke about cutting your arm off as it would be too messy."

Alex sat watching Skinner, he did not like the smile on the man’s face.  
Then Skinner held his hand stroking his long fingers.

"Well we can't have blood everywhere Alex can we, but I really like the idea of you been even more of a cripple than you already are, and it would slow down any ideas of escape you might have."

Alex refused to speak and remained quite that was until Skinner stopped stroking his hand. Alex felt the immense pain and then he did scream as he felt two of his own fingers break.

"I told you that I would make you scream, well believe me Alex, that's just the start. I will leave you to get some sleep but I will be back in the morning, I then have to go out as I am meeting Mulder."

Alex lay there in agony and wanted to just end it all, he drifted in and out of sleep in the end his own screams woke him up. He had dreamt of been back in the silo but he realised he had woken from one nightmare to another one. Finally Skinner returned and gave Alex a small glass of water.

"How are you this morning Alex?"

"Bastard."  
"Watch your mouth boy, I will not have you speak to me like that again."

"Why as you are a fuckin bastard Skinner."

With that Alex felt Skinner grab his hand and break another finger.

"You will not swear at me Alex, do you understand?"

Alex realised that due to all the screaming he was slowly losing his voice, he had to just nod his head.

"I must meet with Mulder now, but when I return you will be punished for your disobedience Alex. Furthermore, you can sit in your own filth I will clean you later."

Alex was left alone once more wondering how long this would go on for, he also wondered what Skinner was telling Fox.

Mulder heard the door and let Skinner enter his apartment.

"Have you found out anything sir, I’m going out of my mind here."

"I am sorry but no Mulder as yet I have no leads. What does Alex Krycek have over you Mulder that you must find him?"

"I need to find him shit I am nothing without him."

"Well I have to go Mulder I am away on business for a couple of days. Please just think about why you really need Krycek, surely your life would be better without him in it."

"Believe what you want Skinner, I will see you in a couple of days then."

Both men said their goodbyes, Mulder found himself alone yet again. He had tried everything yet no leads nothing, Mulder threw himself on the couch and cried. He was seriously wondering if he should just end it all, the only thing that kept him going was the chance that Alex might be alive and need him.

Skinner returned to Alex, he gave the man a drink of water, he then went to get some soapy water to wash Alex with.

"We need to keep you clean Alex, you never know when I might get the urge to fuck you."

Alex had to lay there and endure Skinners hands on his body as he was washed. When Skinner started stroking Alex's cock he used all the strength he had left to kick the man.

"That was not a very wise idea Alex, what do you want me to do break your ankles so you behave? It's okay Alex I have something else planned for you."

Skinner left the room, but he soon returned with a few various items.

"I didn’t plan to have you here Alex as I believed that you were dead, so I’m afraid we will have to make do with what I have in the house."

Alex lay watching, Skinner grabbed a condom and opened it he then proceeded to stretch it as much as he could. Alex could not understand why Skinner was stretching it to an extent where it could split, but he remained quiet as Skinner started filling the condom with some sort of cream.

"I want you to listen to me Alex, and I want you to realize the consequences of your actions and what will happen if you try to kick me again. Are you listening to me?"

"Like I have a fuckin choice."

"You are going to really regret swearing at me yet again Alex."

"Fuck you."

"I have stretched the condom so the slightest pressure will cause it to split, also I have already told you that I have to use whatever's available. When I go to the gym and your muscles ache you use ointment to relieve the pain, when its first applied it feels like its burning for a while, do you understand me so far Alex?"

"Yeah I do know Skinner, I have used it before myself, so what about it?"

"You’re bright enough Alex to figure it out but I will explain anyway. The condom that I have filled with the stuff is going up your backside Alex, you move to fast or try to kick me it will split open and you will really suffer then...”

"Please Skinner don't be so stupid you can't do it not there."

"I see you understand Alex, yes your anal tissue is very delicate and it will hurt a great deal. Furthermore, yes I can and will do it to you."

Alex was grabbed and forced down on to his stomach, he then felt the weight of Skinner, who was now sat on his back facing Alex's ass.

"First things first Alex, you see I can't force the condom in or it will burst to soon we must lube your pretty ass first."

"Please I will beg, shit I will do anything just don't do it."

"To late Alex but I will have some fun first preparing you, I have some forceps Alex and I will be using them to open your ass up. Oh by the way if I stretch too hard that's your payment for swearing."

Alex knew Skinner had every intention of going ahead with his plan, he decided to try and lay still. That was when he felt the lubed fingers enter his ass and twist around, fuck Skinner must have shoved most of his fingers in, Alex struggled and kicked as he felt the metal forceps pries and hold his ass open.

"You might want to lay really still now Alex as I am inserting it now."

Alex tried to relax as he felt Skinners fingers push the condom into place, he was then rolled on to his back and pulled into a sitting position. He was so weak that he had to lean against the cold stone wall.

"Well you seemed to have survived so far Alex you will have to be a good boy from now on. I will be back shortly with some water and to see how you’re getting on."

Skinner returned to find Alex sitting in the same place the only thing that had changed was the mans eyes, Alex sat there with his eyes glazed over and unfocused. Skinner knew that the man was close to breaking point, then he had some doubts as to what he was doing but they soon passed, there was no way Mulder could love this man.

"Alex are you with me, I have got you some water."

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to die..."

Skinner watched as Alex repeated the same words over and over again, before Skinner even had time to move, Alex started to thrash around and smack his head repeatedly against the wall. Then the high pitched wailing started and the movements grew more frantic, Skinner knew the condom had spit.

"You idiot Alex a few hours that was all, hell it was not meant to split just keep you quiet."

The only response Skinner got was more screaming, he grabbed Alex and lifted him over his shoulder then he preceded to the bathroom.  
He laid Alex in the bath and prepared the enema, he had been planning to clean Alex out before he fucked him but had little choice about using it now.

It took three attempts to get the nozzle to stay in but at some point Alex had passed out. Skinner started the valve that would release the fluid, once he saw the man’s stomach start to push out he knew it was enough.

Ten minutes later Skinner was relieved that Alex was still out cold, as the enema cleared out the mans bowels the condom was also forced out. Skinner gave Alex a shower and dried him then he returned him to the mattress.

Alex woke sometime later and was dismayed by the fact that he was still alive, he was becoming weaker by the hour and knew Skinner would be able to do whatever he wanted to him now. Alex sat there crying and wondering how much more he would suffer before death would come.

He realised that he had been alone for a long time now, maybe that was what Skinner was planning just to leave him to die, Alex knew without water and the lack of food death would come soon. Then he looked up to see Skinner.

"I have got some water and some soup Alex."

"Why feed me Skinner, oh I get it you just want me to stay alive so you can torture me, well tough shit."

"You saw what happened last time you pissed me off Alex, do you really want me to do it again."

Skinner grabbed Alex by the jaw and tried to feed him the soup, all Alex did in return was spit it out and after a while Skinner gave up.

"Well if you plan on starving yourself to death Alex I had better take my pleasure now."

Alex was grabbed hard and forced onto his stomach, he heard Skinner remove his clothes and open the condom, then he felt the hard cock force its way in him. He screamed at the pain and knew that he must have torn inside, yet Skinner carried on. Alex lay there crying and tried to block out all the memories, the consortiums whore the rapes, finally he slipped into his own safe little world.

After a while, Alex opened his eyes and realised Skinner was getting dressed and that part of the torture was over, well for now anyway.

"Alex why do you seem to insist on pissing me off."

"Because I fuckin hate you, and if I can't be with Fox I would rather be dead."

Alex felt Skinners weight over his back then he felt the strong hands around his throat, he started to gasp for breath and struggle frantically as the hands grew tighter and tighter. All of a sudden Alex was coughing and spluttering as his lungs took in air and the hands were gone.

"Don't ever push me again Alex, or next time I guarantee you I will not stop."

"Need water."

"Yes I know you need water Alex and I will give you some, but you must accept that I will never let you go. Mulder is my friend and I respect him too much to let you fuck his life up."

Skinner gave Alex some water and left, he had no idea how far he was prepared to go with Alex but he had to see Mulder again soon.  
He got a shower and a couple of cheese sandwiches finally he went to bed and slept very well, despite the tortured man he had in the basement.  
When Skinner finally returned it pissed Alex off that the man looked so well despite what he was doing.

"Can I ask you a question Skinner?"

"If you must, what is it Krycek?"

"You said that Mulder was a friend and that you respect him, why can't you respect the fact that he loves me?"

"Mulder does not know what he wants at this point."

"When you went to see him did you ask him if he loved me?"

"Yes I asked him and he said that he does indeed love you, which makes me even more sure that you must be blackmailing him."

"You will never accept it will you Skinner, that me and Fox love each other"

"Just shut up Alex enough is enough no more questions."

"Why because deep down you know I am telling the truth…"

"I said shut up."

"Go to hell Skinner."

With that Skinner was on top of Alex like lightning, he punched him hard in the face, then he felt the spit run down his cheek. Skinner was furious that Alex had questioned him then spat at him, without thinking he grabbed the same ointment off the floor and glared at Alex.

"What's matter Alex you look worried did you not like it when your ass was on fire? Well I believe torturing someone the same way twice can be boring so don't worry your ass is safe for now."

Alex did not want to feel that stuff on him again and finally just laid there very still, but he could see the anger in Skinners eyes. Alex then watched as Skinner opened the bottle.

"You don't need to go to hell Alex as this is your hell."

Alex screamed as he felt the scars on his stump burn and itch, he started to believe he was back in Russia and that his arm was been severed all over again, he screamed until he passed out.

When Skinner had finished he looked down at the unconscious man then left him alone, he decided that it was time to pay Mulder another visit.

Mulder was surprised to see Skinner due to the fact he had told him he would be away.

"Sir, I thought you was away have you found out something."

"No Mulder I just wanted to have a talk with you, do you really love Alex Krycek?"

"I love him with all my heart, and I always have, when he betrayed me I tried to pretend that I hated him but it never worked, then I found out the truth and what made Alex into the man he became."

"How do you really know that he loves you Mulder, for fucks sake the man has used you before?"

"I want you to read parts of this Sir then you might understand."

Mulder handed Skinner the diary and opened it to a certain page.

"I will make some coffee while you read it then you might realize a few things."

Skinner opened the diary and started to read the entries Mulder had asked him to.

I had used all my savings and needed some cash I managed to steal some food to get by, but I had to find a way to make money.  
I found myself outside a gay bar, maybe I could find someone who just wanted company and would willingly help me out.  
Well, what an idiot I was (well I was only fourteen) men did not want friendly company, I was grabbed by some man who forced me up against the wall, his mouth was all over mine, then I felt his hands opening my jeans. I wanted to die and for it all to end.

I saw a large black car pull up, and then I heard someone offering to assist me. Therefore, I had a choice get raped or take a chance on the well-dressed man with the posh car, I guess it was an easy choice really. Well, it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.

I arrived at a big posh estate and was shown to a clean room, well at least the room never smelt of smoke, god that man in the car had smoked one after another. I sat on the bed, and it was only another five minutes before I had company, shit the man was grabbing me and trying to undress me.

I had asked him what the hell he assumed he was doing, he told me that I belonged to them now, fuck that I told him that I belonged to no one, that was after I had punched him in the mouth.

That got me dragged into an office, and there sat the smoking man.  
He told me that pretty boys like me where meant to be whores, and that was my new role in life, well I did warn you that my mouth always gets me into trouble I told him to fuck off and go to hell, I felt someone grab me from behind and a hand over my mouth.

Fuck I woke up some time later, I realised it must have been chloroform or something but what was worse was how I had been left on my stomach and tied to a bed, shit my legs had been stretched so far apart it hurt I also realised that I was naked.

Finally that cancerous bastard returned so I yelled a lot of abuse at him and told him to let me go. I could feel him running his hand over my ass shit I felt so sick, I yelled at him to stop but all I got in return was my mouth gagged, he told me yet again I was a whore and that he was going to get great pleasure watching my pretty ass getting fucked.

I heard Cancerman call someone into the room the man was huge and well over six feet, Cancerman told the man that he wanted him to fuck me hard, then I would know my place and who I belonged too. I tried to fight my restraints but all I got was a hard slap on my ass.

I felt the man running his hands over my bare ass, then I felt his large fingers enter me god I wanted to scream as the pain was unbearable, fuck for about ten minutes he just fucked my ass with his fingers, then he removed them and shoved his large hard cock into my tight ass no lube nothing. As long as I live I will never forget the pain I suffered as I lost my virginity.

  
I spent the next few years getting fucked repeatedly I became their unwilling whore, I guess you are wondering why I never rebelled, well they injected me with something and I never knew what it was, all I knew was at the push of a button the pain became so unbearable I would give in (well it was that or die, not a hard choice to make really).

I spent the last three day's cuffed to a bed and raped repeatedly, shit while I had a cock up my ass I also had one in my mouth, they beat me and made me scream and scream.

I had to lay there bruised sore and totally embarrassed while they shoved their cock's in and out of me, hell they even took all my clothes away and left me naked for three days.

Spender sent three of us to get the tape, we cornered Skinner in the stairwell and I had to punch him repeatedly to save his life, please believe me Fox Skinner would have died otherwise. I know you will not see it that way and I bet you just think I got pleasure out of doing it, well I fuckin never okay.

Skinner was not the only one to get fucked over Fox, Spender had planned to kill me too shit he had a bomb planted in the car I was to go up in smoke along with the data tape, shit I was so scared I just ran and ran.

  
You hit me and fuckin arrested me do you really feel nothing towards me, you must really hate me now. Shit you could not get rid of me fast enough could you babe, and of all the people in the world you had to dump me on Skinner.

Did Skinner ever tell you what happened after you left me there, I doubt it?  
He came out on the balcony Fox and beat shit in to me, do you know that I could live with the pain it was his words that hurt the most.

I sat on that balcony freezing to death, but Skinner had already told me that I was a worthless piece of shit not fit to even live in society. I still love you so much I don't blame you for raping me or anything, I brought it all on myself the day I betrayed you.

  
God I just realised, do you even know if I'm still alive, you did leave Russia without me. Well I can't change the past babe, talk soon.

Skinner sat there looking very pale.

"Shit Mulder he was only fourteen just a fuckin kid."

"I gave you just a few entries to read Skinner, but the whole diary is just a book about pain and suffering. Alex Krycek was raped and turned in to a whore at fourteen, he was to spend the rest of his life been raped or used."  
"God Mulder I never knew but why does he say that he forgives you for the rape, why was it your fault?"

"In that entry Alex is talking about the time that I raped him. I hate myself for what I did and always will, but Alex even ended up getting raped by the one man he loved."

"Fuck so the man has had a whole life of nothing but pain."

"After Jeremiah Smith healed Alex, he turned up here and planned to end his own life. I told him that I still loved him and we were going to start again no past nothing."

"And then he disappeared god I am so sorry Mulder that I never believed you, you are a friend and I never wanted to see Alex hurt you."

"I understand, I don't blame you for protecting me."

"No but there are things you will never forgive me for Mulder, anyway I had better go now."

"Thanks for the company sir, maybe we will talk again soon."

"Maybe, maybe not goodbye Mulder."

As Skinner left Mulder tried to make out what Skinner had meant by his departing words. He gave up and decided to go buy a bottle of vodka instead.

Skinner arrived back at the house he used as a holiday home. He had always loved it here due to the peace and lack of neighbours and the fishing. When he entered the basement and saw the state of his prisoner, reality hit him hard and the fact of what he had done. He went over and knelt beside Alex.

"It's okay Alex it's all over now, and I will never forgive myself for what I have done."

Skinner realised that the man was awake but in a trance and not seeing anything. He grabbed a bag and packed some stuff and then drove back to DC. Upon the arrival at his condo Skinner grabbed a suitcase and packed everything of importance, he then picked up the phone and dialled.

After buying the vodka Mulder had decided to shower and change first, he had finally sat down and had drunk a quarter of the bottle and he was starting to feel the effects as the phone rang. He was not happy about the disturbance but realised that it could be news of Alex.

"Mulder here."

"Mulder its Skinner, I have found out where Alex is."

Mulder instantly started to sober up.

"Where is he, shit is he alive?"

"I don't have much time, but yeah he's alive can you meet me Mulder and I will take you to him."

"Yeah where will we meet?"

Skinner gave Mulder the address and told him to go there straight away, he would meet him there.

Mulder grabbed his keys and left. He followed the instructions and finally found the isolated cabin.

Upon arrival he noticed that Skinners car was nowhere in sight so after waiting a few minutes Mulder decided to go in alone. When he entered the cabin he realised that he was alone. Mulder searched the rooms but found nothing no Skinner or Alex.

He then decided to take a look outside and that was when he saw the doors in the ground, Mulder remembered that some old cabins had an underground basement, he believed it was an old fallout shelter.

Mulder opened the hatch and went down the stairs, he managed to find a light switch and turn it on. There in front of him was the man he loved. Alex was thinner and looked very ill, Mulder noticed that his feet and hand were cuffed but the key was on the floor.

"Alex it's me babe please don't be scared."

Mulder un cuffed the man and hugged him tight but he got no response at all from him. Finally, Mulder had managed to get Alex a blanket and prepare him the best he could for the drive home.  
When Mulder arrived at his apartment and got Alex to lay down. He phoned Scully.

"Thanks for coming Scully I really need your help, I have Alex here but he needs help."

"Mulder have you been drinking Alex Krycek Is dead, you told me yourself Skinner killed him."

"Please Scully, I will answer all your questions later just go look at him."

  
Scully went into the bedroom and was shocked to see the state of the man.

"Will he go to a hospital Mulder?"

"No that would scare him more than he is now."

"Well if he is well looked after you could maybe heal everything without one."

"I will look after him Scully, but I need to know the extent of his injuries."

"Fine Mulder he has three broken fingers which I will strap up, he also has some throat damage and strangulation marks around his neck."

"Shit you mean someone tried to strangle him?"

"He has obviously suffered Mulder, but I still need to check the rest of him over."

"Please god don't tell me there's more."

"I am afraid so Mulder, the scar tissue on his left shoulder appears to have been irritated by something and now has raw patches. Between his legs looks very sore, it’s up to you Mulder if you want me to do an internal."

"Shit I never thought about that, yeah you had better do it then I will know what I am up against."

Mulder watched as Scully pulled on a pair of latex gloves, she then applied plenty of lube to her finger. Just as she inserted it into Alex's ass he started screaming.  
Mulder grabbed him and held him close, he kissed him gently and stroked his hair.

"I'm here babe its ok your safe now."

Finally the screaming turned to sobs, without Alex noticing Scully came behind him and gave him an injection.

"Shit Scully what did you give him?"

"It's only a mild sedative, this way he can get some rest and I can examine him."

Mulder lay holding Alex's body as Scully finished the examination.

"Mulder I hate to say this but Alex has internal damage and there is semen in his anal passage. By the damage I would say that he was raped."

Mulder sat up and looked very pale, how the fuck would Alex get over this again.

"Please god not again."

"Mulder let's go in the kitchen as I believe we need to talk."

"What about Scully please can't it wait?"

"For one I would like to know how Alex is still alive, and what the relationship between the pair of you is."

Over two hours later Mulder had explained everything to Scully and she finally left. He went to look in on Alex who was finally awake.

"Hi babe, god I am so pleased to see you."

Mulder received no reply and went to make some food, that way he would allow Alex some space and time.

"Alex I have some water for you babe you need to regain some strength."

Mulder managed to get Alex to drink the water he then tried to feed Alex the soup, Alex knocked the bowl out of Mulders hands and spoke the first words he had spoken since been found.

"Get the fuck away from me, I am not a fuckin baby and would rather die than have you feed me."

Mulder was taken aback by the outburst, but he just cleaned up the mess and got Alex some more.

"Fine here you are Alex you can feed yourself then."

Mulder received no reply, he had put the soup in a cup so Alex could drink it, but he could see the pain in his lovers eyes as he tried to hold the mug.

Mulder decided to leave Alex alone for a while, he then went to phone Skinner. After Mulder finished on the phone everything made sense, Walter Skinner had retired effective immediately and nobody knew where he was. Mulder also learnt that Skinner owned the cabin and that he was the one who had Alex all along, he wanted Skinner dead for what he had done.

After a few days Alex had regained a lot of strength and was doing things for himself, he only ever spoke to Mulder to swear and yell at him.  
Mulder had noticed that Alex seemed to hate him and no longer called him Fox, he was struggling to hold everything together until he could take no more.

"Alex can we talk please."

"What the fuck do you want to talk about Mulder?"

"Me and you babe, I need to know if you will ever see me as your lover again."

"What's matter Mulder can't you just find someone else to fuck you?"

"You bastard I only ever wanted you Alex."

Alex had started wearing his arm as he felt lost without it, he was a fuckin assassin not a wimp and had to be prepared for anything. He stepped across the room and spun Mulder around, he then grabbed the man’s head and smacked it against the wall.

Mulder saw stars and felt sick but before he could respond he felt his sweat pants yanked down, then the immense pain as Alex drove his hard cock deep into his ass dry.

"You want me do you Mulder, fine I will fuck you if that's what you want."

Mulder tried to hold back the sobs but found that they just became louder.

"Why cry Mulder you said yourself that you wanted me. Well I don't fuckin need you and I hate you, every man that I have ever known was nothing but a fuckin raping bastard. Well guess what now it's my turn."

Mulder had to stand there and take it, finally Alex withdrew and let go of him he then heard the bedroom door shut. Mulder just sat there huddled on the floor trying to understand what had just happened. One thing he was aware of was that the words had hurt worse than the rape.

Mulder finally stood and went to clean himself up, that was when he saw the blood and suddenly he remembered Alex and how he had raped him, once he was clean Mulder fell asleep on the couch.

Alex felt no remorse or nothing regarding what he had just done to the man he claimed to love. A big part of himself had actually felt better and maybe by doing it to someone else would release himself from the torture. He decided to go look for Mulder, maybe he could have some fun with a certain Fox and cleanse his own soul.

Mulder woke as the hand grabbed his hair and pulled him up.

"Please Alex. Why are you doing this?"

All Mulder got in answer to his question was a back hander, he sat there as the blood dripped onto his clothes.

"You were the one who wanted to talk Fox, but I suggest you shower and change first."

Mulder went into the bathroom at this point he would rather take a shower than be with Alex. Mulder had also noticed that Alex had called him Fox, but it had been with a look of contempt not love.

Finally Mulder grabbed a towel and went into the bedroom to dress he had no sooner entered the room when he was thrown on to the bed, he then heard the click of the cuffs. Shit he was naked and cuffed on the bed but what scared him the most was the wild look on Alex's face.

  
"So Fox are you up for some fun then."

"Please Alex not like this."

"You wanted me so stop fuckin acting like a baby."

Alex had Fox on his back he then stripped and knelt over him.

"Well where shall we start my Fox?"

"Get off me now Alex, I don't want to play your sick games."

Fox was dazed as he felt the hard slap across his head.

"How funny Fox, I remember a time a few years ago in this same room when you had wanted to play sick games."

"I am so sorry Alex, and as long as I live I will never forgive myself for that."

"Fuck you Fox."

Alex started to stroke the man’s cock and jerk him off, Fox tried to fight the hands away but could not stop his body betraying him as he became hard.

"See look Fox you're begging for it, you're nothing but a fuckin slut and a whore."  
Alex forced Fox's legs over his shoulders he then raped the man with no tenderness. When Alex finally felt himself come he pulled away, then stared at Fox after a minute he started to punch him repeatedly.

"You're a sad pathetic fuckin whore Fox, and do you want to know something else, you are my whore and belong to me, don't worry my pretty Fox unlike my masters I am unwilling to share you. You will be my whore and mine alone Fox."

Finally Alex let up on the beating as Fox laid there covered in bruises, he also had a split lip yet again.

"How pretty you look my sweet whore now that you have my mark on you, thank me Fox."

Fox lay there and refused to move or speak then he felt the tight grip on his throat, fuck Alex was going to choke him.

"I told you to thank me Fox, say thank you to your master for marking you."

"I love you Alex."

Alex stared wild eyed at Fox, then he put his head in his hands and sobbed.  
Fox managed to get his one un cuffed arm around Alex and hug him.

"Cry Alex, just let it all out and let go of the pain. I love you so much."

After half an hour Alex was still shaking and crying, he looked up at Fox and removed the cuffs off the mans other hand.

"I think it's time I left Fox, I can't stay here anymore."

"Why Alex I love you?"

"Fox I claim to love you but look what I have done to you."

"Alex you have done no worse to me than I did to you, hell and after the life you had it's more understandable that you lost it."

"I still think it would be better if I left but I want you to know and believe me Fox, when I raped you it was never you that I saw just all the men that have hurt me."

"I knew that Alex, I am just surprised that it took so many years for you to finally lose it."

Alex bent down and kissed Fox on the cheek.

"I love you Fox and you were my world, but it will be better now that I am leaving. Goodbye My Fox."

"Better for who Alex, because it sure as hell won't make my life any better."

"Please Fox just let me go."

"Fine fuck you Alex go then."

Fox flung open the drawer next to the bed and retrieved his gun.

"Fox what the fuck are you doing with that?"

"If you walk out of that door Alex my life is over."

Alex walked over to the bed and hugged Fox.

"You really want me after all that I have done to you."  
"I want you here with me Alex it was not your fault babe, none of it I hurt you so many times but we have a chance now."

"You said that when you first found me here and look what happened."

"Skinners gone Alex he resigned and disappeared, it was Skinner who hurt you wasn't it Alex?"

"Yeah he hurt me bad and I thought I was going to die."

"We should report him babe."

"No Fox please just leave it in the past. Skinner honestly thought that I was hurting you and blackmailing you."

"You can't defend him Alex not after what he did."

"I just want to forget it all Fox. I worked a lot of it out of my system anyway."

"So that’s good then Alex."

"How the fuck can it be good Fox, when it was you that I used to do it?"

"You're staying and that's final Alex."

Both men showered and ate in silence, they remained in total silence until bed time. Fox watched as Alex grabbed a blanket and lay on the couch.

"Alex what are you doing babe?"

"Getting some sleep. What's it look like?"

"Please come to bed with me babe."

"Is that what you really want Fox?"

"Yeah babe it’s what I really want, I love you Alex despite the past. In a way we are as fucked up as each other."

Alex got up and hugged Fox, he loved the man more than he thought possible.

"I love you too Fox not that I deserve you."

"We deserve each other babe now come on let’s get some sleep."

Alex fell asleep in no time at all, he laid there in Fox's arms. Fox on the other hand was unable to sleep, he lay there stroking Alex's hair god he loved this man so much. How could he blame Alex for what he had done, shit he had finally managed to calm Alex down and stay? Now Fox had to decide when to tell Alex about the letter that arrived while he was missing, the letter from Russia.

When morning came Alex lay there and stared at the man beside him. God how could Fox still love and want him, then he saw Fox open his eyes.

"Good morning babe."

Alex sat there very wary of just how much Fox really loved him.

"Morning, Fox can I ask you a question."

"Anything babe."

"Do you really still love me?"

"God Alex I love you with all my heart, its only natural babe for you to feel insecure."

"Fox can I ask you just one more question."

"Of course you can babe you can ask me as many as you want."

"If you really love me Fox will you make love to me please?"

"God Alex I would love to, but I was worried that it was too soon."

"Please Fox it’s not too soon and I need you to show me."

Fox moved towards Alex and kissed him, he worked his tongue in to the man’s mouth and felt the gasp and response as Alex kissed him back.

"Lay on your back I want to see your gorgeous eyes. I also want you to see and feel the love that I have for you."

Alex laid on his back as Fox pleasured him, he kissed Alex's nipples and sucked them until they became hard buds then he moved and kissed the inside of his thighs.

Fox grabbed the lube and gently worked a finger in to Alex's hot tight ass. After Alex relaxed he worked in another finger and used a scissoring action to loosen him up.

Alex was rather disappointed as the fingers were withdrawn, but then he felt the hard cock that took their place. After the initial burning sensation Alex was in heaven as Fox hit his prostate repeatedly.

Finally both men came within seconds of each other, they both laid there quiet and recovering.

"Thank you Fox for everything."

  
"Thank you Alex for staying for loving me, after I read your diary Alex I realised that you always forgave me for hurting you and still loved me. All I ask babe is that you accept that I still love and want you."

"I do accept it Fox, I have to shit we have already wasted so many years."

"Good give me a kiss then babe."

Later that day Fox knew he needed to talk to Alex.

"I'm going out Alex for some drink, I thought we could order a pizza and spend the night in."

"That's fine Fox, what's the occasion?"

"I just want a quiet night babe also I need to talk to you."

Shit Fox saw the look of despair flash across Alex's face.

"Don't look so worried babe me and you have sorted ourselves out, it's nothing to do with that it's just a talk."

Before Fox left he gave Alex a kiss, he wanted Alex to feel secure and loved.  
When Fox returned he found a far cleaner apartment than when he left.

"Alex I could have helped you if you had waited."

"Sorry Fox but I hated it here alone, so I just kept busy."

"God I am sorry Alex I never realised, next time you can come with me babe."

"It's my own stupid fear Fox just ignore me I'm sure that I will get over it one day."

"It's not a stupid fear babe and I will always be here for you, I don't ever want you to be afraid to ask or tell me anything."

"Okay Fox I promise that I will talk to you."

"Good now you can order a pizza while I pour drinks."

They both became more relaxed than they had been for a while, the evening turned out to be a really pleasant one so Fox waited until Alex was relaxed, shit he really never wanted to spoil the atmosphere but the time to talk had arrived.

  
"Alex will you sit with me babe, I really want to hold you?"

  
Alex moved on to the couch and in to Fox’s arms.

  
"I love you Fox and I would do anything for you."

  
"I love you too babe and I am willing to do all I can for you."

Both men shared a long kiss, neither one of them wanted it to end either.

"Alex when you were missing a letter arrived from Russia, I only opened it babe because I never knew when you would be back."

"God is that what was bothering you Fox, I don't mind as I want no secrets between us."

"Alex please just read the letter and then remember I am here for you."

Alex took the letter from Fox and opened it, he sat and stared at the enclosed photo.

"He's gorgeous babe just like his father."

"Yeah well let’s hope that's all he takes after me for."

Alex started to read the letter finally he folded it and sat there very pale.

"Alex talk to me babe please."

"What can I say Fox, Anna's really sick isn't she?"

"Yes Alex she needs a kidney transplant and then there are no guarantees, but she will need plenty of time to recover after the operation."

"Shit the poor kid's already lost his father and now he could lose his mother."

"Sasha has not lost his father Alex, you survived and your still here."

"What sort of father am I Fox?"

"Alex if you let yourself, I believe that you would be a good father. You would want to give the child the life you were deprived of.”

"He does not even know who I am."

"Anna has shown him your photo every day Alex, he knows who you are. When he asked questions at first Anna told him that you worked away but that he would see you again one day."

"I don't know if I can do it Fox."

"Alex all Anna asked, is that you have him for one month while she recovers. I am sure that between the pair of us, we could give him more attention than the pair of us got put together."

"Fine I will go phone Anna and give her the news."

Fox just sat there and listened as Alex spoke and made the arrangements.

"Anna has arranged for her brother to bring Sasha to the airport in two days, please come with me Fox?"

"Of course babe there's no way that I would let you go alone."

"Shit where will he sleep Fox?"

"I will get a small bed Alex and he can sleep in the bedroom, don't worry babe we can always have fun in the shower while he's asleep."

"God everything will change Fox and what will he call you."

"Everything will be ok babe, look for now just have another drink and try to relax."

Over the course of the next couple of day's Alex became more nervous than ever, poor Fox had to suffer one question after another.

"Alex we have to be at the airport in two hours, I suggest we think about leaving now."

"Do you think it will be okay, shit Fox how can I ask you to do this?"

  
Fox silenced Alex with a long hard kiss, he then smacked him on the backside.

"Move it now babe and stop worrying, it's too late anyway. By the way I want to do this Alex."

It was over an hour later that they arrived at the airport, while Fox sat and waited Alex paced up and down.

"Shit Fox what if he hates me, please tell him anything just send them back. Fox please I can’t do this."

"Alex calm down and stop babbling, it’s too late now he will be here soon babe."

"Shit I'm scared Fox."

Fox hugged Alex and gave him a kiss, he was totally unconcerned with what the passers-by thought, his lover needed him and that came first.

"Alex I know it's hard and you're scared it’s only natural."

"Ha what Fox that a full grown man's scared of a three year old child."

"Sasha is not just a child Alex he is your son, but imagine how scared that little boy must feel babe as it’s a strange place with strange people."

"Speak for yourself Fox, I'm not strange."

"Nice to see that you still have your sense of humour babe."

"You are very funny Fox, my crazy lover that I love so much."

The announcement came over the loudspeaker that the plane had landed. Alex watched for Anna's brother and his own son, that was when he saw them among the crowd he panicked and froze. It was left to Fox to make the introductions. Alex stared at the boy and could not believe how much he looked like him.

"Hi Sasha, do you know who I am?"

"You're my daddy, will you carry me daddy please?"

Alex picked up his son and carried him to the car, he was amazed by how outgoing the kid seemed to be. Then the tears came as he remembered a little boy back in Russia, a little boy who was very happy and outgoing until he lost everything at fourteen.

When they arrived back home it was late, Anna's brother Dmitri had decided to stay in a hotel just for a couple of days if all went well he would return to Russia, so they had taken him there first.

Sasha had asked for a drink and said he was very sleepy, so Alex carried him to his bed.

"You sleep Sasha Uncle Dimitri will be back tomorrow."

"Is he taking me home daddy?"

"It's up to you Sasha, he will only take you back if that's what you want.”

"I want to stay with you daddy, I always wanted a real daddy."

"You have a real daddy sweetheart and I love you so much, and you have grown a lot since I last visited."

"I don't remember that daddy, will you always be my real daddy."

"I will always be here for you, now get some sleep we can talk later."

Alex bent over and kissed his son, the son he thought he’d never see again.

"Goodnight Sasha sleep well."

"Goodnight daddy I love you."

"I love you too son."

Alex walked into the living room, he then sat on the couch and sobbed.

"Alex what's the matter babe?"

"He loves me Fox, I was never there for him yet he loves me and wants to be here."

"You had your reasons babe, hell he would not have been safe if Spender or anyone had known."

"I guess that you're right as usual Fox."

The weeks went fast and Sasha seemed to make himself at home and settled in really well, he also got on great with Fox.

They spent the day's going to the park and the zoo. Alex promised that one day in the future he would take him to Disney world.

"Will I like it there daddy, and can mummy come with us."

"We will see Sasha when mummy gets better."

"Daddy will she die like grandma did?"

"I hope not sweetheart, mummy is strong and will try to fight it and get better."

They walked from the park and arrived at home, Alex had to admit that he loved his son more than he thought possible.

"Fox If I start tea can you run a bath for Sasha."

"Yeah no problem."

"Daddy can I ring mummy first?"

"Sure sweetheart, Fox can you dial the number for him."

Fox got up and dialled the number for Sasha, the phone was answered by Dmitri so he asked if Sasha could speak with his mummy, he then looked towards the child.

"Mummy is sleeping sweetheart we will try again later, Alex Dmitri says that he needs to speak to you and that it's important."

Alex thanked Fox then took the phone and watched his lover take Sasha for a bath.

"Hi Dmitri its Alex is everything okay."

“Look I will be straight with you Alex, Anna can't speak with Sasha as she's back in hospital."

"It's nothing serious I hope."

"Anna's dying Alex, and she made one last request that she wants you to do."

"Shit Dmitri I will do anything for her, she is the mother of my son and she was also my best friend when I had no one."

"She wants you to come back to Russia for a few days, she wants to say goodbye to you in person."

"I will arrange tickets straight away then."

"Just one other matter Alex, Anna has asked that you come alone and leave Sasha in DC."

"Why Dimitri, he is her son."

"Anna has become very ill and she wants Sasha to remember her as she was, will you please come alone and leave him there until it's over."

"If that's what Anna want's I will come alone, but that's only if Fox agrees to stay here with him. I refuse to leave him with strangers again."

"Can you let me know what you decide Alex, and when you will arrive."

“Yeah no problem I will be in touch soon."

"Oh and Alex, I only spent a couple of day's with you but I believe that Fox loves your son a great deal."

"I must admit Fox is really good with Sasha, but I will still ask him as it will be his choice to stay and look after a child that's not even his."

Alex carried on making tea and it was only after they ate and Sasha was in bed, Alex decided to mention the phone call.

"Fox can we talk."

"Yeah Alex I wondered when you were going to tell me what's up. Anna has become worse hasn't she?"

"God no wonder they called you spooky Mulder, yeah she is dying Fox."

"I'm sorry Alex I know that you loved her, and she meant a lot to you."  
"Anna wants me to go to Russia, she wants to say goodbye and see me one last time."

"That's understandable Alex when do we leave then?"

"That's the problem Fox, Anna had only one request and that was for Sasha to stay here in DC for now."

"Stay here with who Alex, we don't know anyone that we could trust."

"There is only one person I trust Fox and that's you."

"You want me to stay here and look after him, I can't Alex."

"I thought you liked Sasha?"

"Sorry that came out wrong, I love Sasha and I am honoured that you trust me with him, I have no objections to looking after him."

"But you just said that you can't do it."

"I never meant that I can't look after Sasha, I meant that I can't let you go to Russia alone."

"Fox I am a big boy now and have to learn to do some things alone, and remember what happened last time we went together."

"Shit Alex how can you joke about that, for fucks sake you came back minus an arm."

"And I survived and got over it, okay sorry it was a poor joke but please Fox do this one thing for me."

"Fine I will agree if Sasha wants to be here with me."

"Okay it’s a deal Fox."

Over breakfast Alex decided to ask Sasha if he would stay here.

"Sasha daddy has to go away for a few days will you be a good boy and stay with Fox."

"Yes daddy if Fox takes me to the park."

"Yeah I’m sure Fox will do that, cos he likes playing at the park."

"Daddy."

"What sweetheart."

"You will come back won't you?"

Alex had all on not to burst in to tears.

"Yes Sasha I love you, don't worry daddy will come home."

After breakfast Alex packed a bag and decided to leave when Sasha went for his afternoon nap. He put the child to bed and promised that he would be back soon.

"Alex why did you wait until this late to leave?"

"Because my dear lover I want a shower first and I want you to join me."

Alex took great pleasure in giving Fox a blow job in the shower.

"Turn around Fox, so I can make love to you before I leave."

"Please Alex make it hard, shit I want to feel you after you have gone."

Alex enjoyed making love to Fox he just prayed that nothing would go wrong on this trip to Russia, and that he would return to his lover and son.  
After they made love and showered Alex dressed and prepared to leave.

"I know that you have to do this Alex but please make sure you come back soon, god I love you so much."

"I promise Fox, last time I managed to get out of Russia it was for you, now it will be for you and our son. I want to come home and spend some time with Sasha before he returns to Russia."

After Alex had left Fox felt the loss immediately as he had gotten used to Alex here, he realised that he had also accepted and liked having Sasha here. Shit how would Alex cope when his son returned to Russia. At least Alex had promised to phone every day to speak to them both.

Alex hated having to go back to Russia, as there were too many memories. He was met at the airport by Dmitri and they decided as the hospital was close to the airport that they would go to see Anna first.

Alex entered the hospital room to find Anna asleep, he sat down in the chair and just watched her. He realised that Anna looked really ill now, her brother had explained that there was nothing more the hospital could do for her. He was just drifting off then he heard her voice.

"Alex you came."

"I promised that I would come."

"How's Sasha is he okay with you Alex?"

"I owe you a lot Anna for making me accept him, and for all that you did for me before."

"It worked two ways Alex, you came to see him at birth and were willing to put your name on his birth certificate. God you even came a couple more times."

"Yes but I have to thank you for making him remember me."

"Do you love him Alex like a son?"

"I love him more than anything Anna, god I would never let anything happen to him."

"Thank you Alex that's all I needed to hear, you are a far better man than you let yourself believe."

"I will miss him when he returns here hell even Fox loves him."

"Do you remember all that time ago Alex, you were here in Russia and all you wanted was Fox, he was the one person you really loved and you got him in the end."

"I fucked up big time with Fox, hell I still don't understand at times why he wants me."

"He wants you because he loves you Alex just as you love him. I am really happy that you got what you wanted you really deserve some happiness."

"Thanks but what about Sasha, what about his future and happiness."

"That's one of the reasons I asked you here Alex, I have done something but I want to know that you agree, I'm tired Alex and I need to let go now."

"God you helped me so much Anna, I would do anything to help you."

"Somehow I thought you would say that, you have always cared more than you show it. When I became ill and knew that I would not get better I got my brother to sort out all the legal paperwork, but it was easy as you had agreed to put your name on the birth certificate."

"What was easy Anna please tell me?"

"Sasha is your son Alex, and you now have full custody of him."

Alex sat there in silence for about five minutes then Anna broke the silence.

  
"Alex please talk to me, I need to know that I have done the right thing."

When Alex never spoke Anna knew by the sobs that what she had done was right, for Alex and Sasha.

"I'm scared Anna what if I mess it up, shit I never had a normal childhood."

"That's why you will do well by Sasha, you will give him what you never had."

"God Fox said the same thing when Sasha came to DC."

"Have faith Alex, you have so much love inside and you were never bad. You were used and abused Alex, please make the most of your life and open up to your lover and son."

"I can never thank you enough Anna for what you have done for me and Sasha, you should be proud he's a great kid."

"Well I do believe that he will grow up to be as handsome as his father, please Alex look after him and love him."

"I promise to do the best I can."

"That's all I am asking of you Alex."

Alex hugged Anna and said his goodbyes, he knew that he would never see her, or even her beautiful smile again. He was staying with Dmitri and once they arrived at his home Alex called his lover and son, he needed to hear their voices.

"Hi Fox it's me."

"Hi babe god it's good to hear your voice."

"That's why I phoned Fox, I just wanted to hear you and feel close."

"How are thing's there Alex?"

"Anna has become worse but we managed to have a good talk, I love her Fox but why does everyone that I love die or leave me."

"I'm here babe and I am not going anywhere."

"No Fox but I might be going instead."

"What do you mean Alex, where do you think that you are going?"

"Not now Fox please we can talk when I get home, is Sasha there so I can talk to him."

"Yeah hold on while I get him, I do love you Alex and if for some reason you think otherwise please talk to me, anyway Sasha's here."

"Fine I said we can talk later Fox goodbye."

"Hi daddy, when are you coming home?"

"Soon sweetheart are you been a good boy for Fox."

"Yeah we went to the park again today daddy."

"Okay you go get some sleep now Sasha."

"Do you want to talk to Fox again daddy."

"No sweetheart, I love you and tell Fox that I love him too."

Alex put the phone down and just sat there, he had gained a son but would lose his lover, shit he was starting to feel depressed.

Fox could not understand why Alex would not talk to him and what did he mean about leaving. Fox decided that when Alex arrived at home they would talk whether Alex wanted to or not.  
It was only two hours later that Dmitri received the call, Anna had passed away a few minutes ago. Dmitri broke the news to Alex. He took it hard and could not cope with the news, he had to get away so he fled and found the nearest bar and one drink led to many more.

Fox was surprised when the phone rang in the middle of the night, normally it meant that something was wrong.

"Fox its Dmitri, I just thought you should know that Anna passed away tonight."

"God I am really sorry Dmitri it will be hard, why did you phone me and not Alex?"

"He's not here Fox, Alex took the news really bad."

"Do you have any idea where he went?"

"Knowing what I do about Alex, my guess would be that he's propping up a bar somewhere."

"Please I know it's a lot to ask Dmitri but would you try finding him for me."

"I will go see what I can do and ring you back soon."

Fox was left with no choice but to wait for Dmitri to phone him back.

Alex had knocked the vodka back at an alarming rate and could barely stand, then he noticed the man staring at him.

"Do you want something from me?"

"What's your name pretty boy, I'm Mike by the way?"

"Well Mike the names Alex but you still have not answered my question."

"Let's see Alex how about some company, how much does a pretty boy like you charge?"

"Once a whore always a whore no one else ever paid me so why should you."

Alex sat across the man’s groin and started to rub up against the man below him.

"Fuck you're keen pretty Alex, but we need to go somewhere quieter."

"Why I'm only a worthless fuckin whore, let's do it here."

The voice that answered Alex was not Mike's.

"Alex get the fuck of that mans knee and move it NOW."

"You don't own me Dmitri so just go home."

Dmitri grabbed Alex and pulled him up when Alex started to fight Dmitri punched him.

"I don't have time for this Alex as I still have my sister to bury, she loved you Alex what sort of father will you make carrying on like this."

"Please Dmitri let me go, I'm not worth it I'm a fuckin whore."

"Alex don't become something you don't have to be, my sister seemed to think that you're worth the effort and so does your lover."

"You spoke to Fox?"

"Yes and if you come home you can sober up and talk to him."

Alex finally let Dmitri take him home and put him to bed, mainly because he was far too drunk to do anything else right now.

Dmitri remembered that he promised to call Fox back, he also thought it would be a good idea to do it while Alex was asleep.

"Hi Fox its Dmitri."

"Please tell me that you found Alex?"

"Don't worry he is in bed sleeping off the drink."

"Was he okay when you found him?"

"Well Fox when I got there, he was busy telling people that he was a whore and he said something about not charging as no one had ever paid him only used him."

"Shit I guess he took it bad about Anna then, please go easy with him Dmitri if he has brought up the past he must be suffering."

"I will do what I can but we are all suffering."

"I’m honestly sorry for your loss Dmitri, but knowing Alex he will blame himself that she is dead and he is still alive."

"To be honest Fox I think Alex needs to come home, it will just make it harder for him here. He does have a black eye and I am sorry for that but he refused to leave the club."

"That's not your fault Dmitri Alex can be very stubborn when he wants, but I would be grateful if you can get him to leave."

"I will do my best before he gets himself into real trouble."

Fox wanted Alex home more than ever, he realised that Alex seemed to be back in a self-destruct mode.

Alex woke to one hell of a hangover and went in search of painkillers, when he walked into the kitchen Dmitri poured him some coffee.

"Morning Alex, I have left some painkillers out for you."

"Thanks I really need them."

"Do you remember much about last night Alex?"

"No not much why what did I do?"

"Let's put it this way Alex, you managed to put on a show for the locals."

"Please Dmitri fill me in on what I did then."

"Do you really want the truth here Alex?"

"Yeah of course I do."

"Let's put it this way you behaved like a slut, you were even telling everyone that you were a whore and would sleep with them for nothing."

"Fuck please tell me that nothing happened, I would never betray Fox."

"I got there before anything could happen, but you were not happy Alex when I wanted you to leave. I am really sorry but it was me that gave you the black eye."

"I should be the one to apologize Dmitri as it was way out of line after what you had just suffered."

"Look Alex we want you to go back home."

"Who do you mean by we, why who else wants me to leave?"

"Fox wants you home Alex."

"Please god Dmitri, don't tell me that you told Fox about last night."

"He has a right to know Alex he loves you and wants to help, shit he knows that you are hurting."

"And what about the funeral Dmitri, how can I attend if I go home?"

"I loved my sister a lot Alex but she has gone now, Sasha needs you more."

"So you want me to just leave?"

"I really think it's for the best Alex."

"Fine I will go pack."

Alex stormed out of the room and slammed the door, to return a few minutes later carrying his bag.

"Alex please don't walk out of here hating me."

"Goodbye Dmitri, oh and by the way you know where I am if you ever want to visit Sasha."

"Please Alex don't leave like this."

"I don't hate you Dmitri I hate myself, take care."

With that Alex was gone, Dmitri phoned Fox to let him know.

Alex headed inside the first shop he came across and bought a couple of bottles of vodka, he decided that he wanted to be alone.

Fox waited but by the next day he was phoning the airport to check all incoming flights from Russia, he found out that Alex was not a passenger on any of them. He decided to phone Dmitri, maybe find out if he knew which plane he was leaving on.

"Hi Dmitri I just wondered what time Alex left, or if he had decided to stay."

"Fox Alex left yesterday dinner time, are you telling me that he never came home."

"I checked all flights but nothing."

"I will look around and do the best I can, but its Anna's funeral in the morning."

"I appreciate what you are doing Dmitri especially at a time like this."

"I will do what I can, but god how do you cope with Alex?"

"Alex has his faults but I now know most of them, and I guess I cope because I love him."

Both men said their goodbyes, and Dmitri went to search for Alex. He arrived home later that day and had to give Fox the bad news. There was still no sign of Alex anywhere but he would call again after the funeral.

Dmitri spent the day with his brothers burying his only sister, he could not face the wake as he was to upset and grief stricken, he had been so busy before that he had not cried. He decided to take a walk around the cemetery as he loved the peace and quiet.

That was when he saw the still body laid on a grave, the body of Alex Krycek. Dmitri felt for a pulse and realised that Alex was freezing but alive, he also noticed the two empty vodka bottles.

"Come on Alex it's time to move, shit how much have you drunk."

"I'm cold not fuckin drunk, hell I sobered up yesterday."

"Are you stupid Alex you could have frozen to death?"

"Nobody would miss me so what's the problem."

"Fox and Sasha keep phoning they love you and miss you, why did you come here Alex to get drunk?"

"I had my reasons but it does not matter anymore."

"Come on let's get you home."

Dmitri pulled Alex up and off the flat concrete slab and that was when he saw the three names and what they all had in common. All three names had the same surname (Krycek).

Dmitri took Alex home and gave him food, after Alex had showered he went for a rest. Dmitri used that opportunity to phone Fox.

"Hi Fox I just wanted you to know that I have Alex here with me."

"Thank god is he okay?"

"He is sleeping at the moment but he needs some help, I have booked a flight for him later today and I will take him to the airport myself. Can you arrange to be there when the plane lands in D.C?"

"Give me the time and I will be there, where did you find him Dmitri?"

"The plane lands at two pm your time, do you have anyone who can have Sasha for a few hours."

"Yes I have a close friend who will but why?"

"He needs you Fox and you need to talk to him he really needs your help. Fox he has spent the last two days freezing to death in a cemetery."

"Shit what the hell was he doing there?"

"When I moved Alex I noticed that it was a family grave, his own family."

"It will be his parents and his sister, shit Alex felt guilty because they died and he survived, don't worry I will meet him alone."

Dmitri drove Alex to the airport and even waited until he was on the plane before he went home. Alex just spent most of the flight sleeping or thinking.

Fox had arranged for Scully to have Sasha for a few hours, he now waited at the airport for Alex and prayed everything would be okay. Finally Fox saw the people depart and he then saw Alex.

"God babe it’s good to have you back, come on let's find the car."

"It's good to be back Fox."

Both men walked to the car park in silence, Fox unlocked the doors and waited for Alex to get in, then he just sat there.

"Come on out with it Fox, just give me the lecture hell I deserve it."

"How do you expect me to feel Alex you could have died, then what would I have done and what about Sasha?"

"What can I say Fox, yeah I'm a fuckin idiot who never even stopped to think about anyone else?"

"Alex don't try coming across as someone who does not care, it was because you cared about Anna and your own family that got you there. You have to let go of the past babe and think about what you have now."

"I know that I have you and Sasha but it's me, shit I can't change what I am."

"Go on then Alex in your own opinion what are you then, please tell me as I would like to know."

"You know what I am Fox, I'm a fuckin worthless whore."

Alex was not expecting the hard slap that he received across his face.

"You were never a whore by choice Alex don't you ever call yourself that again, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME."

"Yeah whatever."

  
"Alex you are my lover and a very good one, you are also a damn good father and have a gorgeous son and we both love you and need you."

"Please just hold me Fox and make me feel safe."

Fox held him close and realised that Alex was crying.

"It’s okay babe, I'm here now and we are together but I think that it's time we collected Sasha, he's missed you so much Alex."

"Thanks’ for everything Fox and even if we end up going our own way I will always have the memories of us together."

"It's okay babe because we won't be going our own separate way, we will sort things out together."

  
Fox received no reply, shit he knew that Alex was hiding something but knew not to push him. When they arrived at Scully's Sasha was in Alex's arms as soon as he got out of the car."

"I love you daddy you came back."

"I love you too Sasha, and I said that I would come home."

They both thanked Scully and drove home, Scully had invited them in for a drink but Alex claimed that he had stuff to do. When they arrived at home Alex put Sasha to bed it was not that late but the poor kid was exhausted due to all the excitement.

Fox was making coffee when Alex appeared in the kitchen, he was going through the ironing and shoving clothes into a bag.

"Alex what the hell are you doing now?"

"Just leave me alone Fox."

"Like hell I will, you have been making comments for days now about us separating so come on out with it."

"Things change that's all Fox."

Fox grabbed Alex and shoved him against the wall, he then grabbed hold of his jaw and kissed him hard.

"I love you Alex and there is no way on this earth that I will just let you leave, not without an explanation."

"You accepted me in your life Fox and you show me more love than I deserve. Hell I can be a stubborn bastard and hard work alone but it's not just me anymore. Anna signed over custody of Sasha to me Fox, he’s not going back he lives with me now."

"You idiot Alex you are harder work than that child in there, when you love someone you accept that things change. If you had of just told me outright Alex I would have told you to pack your bags."

"Well at least I now know where I stand Fox."

"God Alex you don't even let me finish, I would have told you to pack because we would need a bigger place, sorry we will need a bigger place Alex."

"You want us both to stay Fox and move?"

"Alex I love you and I love Sasha, hell I was dreading him going home, and yes I meant it about us moving together as a family."

"God I love you Fox."

Fox slapped Alex on the backside.

"You can now put all those clothes back Alex, but I stand by what I said before your harder work and a bigger kid than Sasha."

"Yeah well you can help make sure he never ends up as fucked up as his father."

"Alex I love you as you are babe and I don't want you to change."

"God what a pair we make Fox."

"Yeah and right now all I want is to make love to you babe, hell and we don't even have our own bedroom."

"First thing on the agenda must be a bigger house Fox."

"Agreed we can start looking in the morning babe."

"Yeah but what about now Fox."

"God I will see if Scully can baby sit for a couple of hours."

Fox returned after the phone call to Scully, he’d wanted to do this so that they had time as a couple.

"Scully will be here in a couple of hours so we can go out somewhere."

"Thanks’ Fox I just want to spend some time with you, I will go shower then change."

After some time both men were showered and dressed. Alex poured them a vodka while they waited for Scully then he noticed Sasha in the doorway.

"Daddy can I have a drink please."

"Just let me finish my drink then I will get you one."

Alex had just taken a mouthful of vodka and nearly choked when Sasha replied.

"Don't worry daddy, you will get me a drink won't you daddy Fox."

"Sure I will Sasha."

Fox gave him a drink and put him back to bed, he then returned to his lover.

"Shit I’m sorry Alex that he called me that, your his father."

"I am glad that Sasha sees you as a parent figure Fox, and you did want us to be one big happy family."

"You mean that you don't mind babe?"

"Fox if we want this to work you will be his other parent so he will have two, but if it would make you feel better I can ask him to call you mummy Fox instead."

"Very funny Alex, no daddy Fox is fine I think it's rather sweet him calling me that."

"Ok Fox don't go all soft on me not when we are going out."

Before Fox could reply he heard the door and went to answer it, he then let Scully in.

"Scully are you sure that you don't mind."

"No Alex he's a sweet kid, go on boys go and have some fun."

"Thanks Scully we won't be too late."

They had decided on a club, the music was loud and it was very busy so they ordered a few drinks and sat in the corner. They were only interested in each other and soon they became very merry.

"Fox can we go in the toilets?"

"Alex I think that you are old enough to go on your own."

"That's not funny Fox, shit my cocks rock hard here and it wants to be inside you."

"How romantic you are babe."

"Come on Fox we can walk home then instead, I know a shortcut."

"Yeah I bet you do babe, come on then Alex lead on."

They walked so far then reached a park, Alex removed something from his pocket.

"Alex the place is locked for the night, shit Alex what are you doing?"

"Picking the lock Fox what do you think?"

"You brought a lock pick on a night out, hey that looks like FBI issue."

Alex dragged Fox through the gate then re locked it.

"Yes Fox I kept it as a souvenir from my FBI days, and I am always prepared."

"Shit I won't even ask what else you have in your pockets."

"You might find out soon Fox."

"I can't wait babe."

Alex grabbed Fox and pulled him to the ground, he then started opening Fox's pants. Fox felt the hot mouth working wonders on his cock and he knew that he had waited so long that he would not be able to hold back. He felt Alex lick and suck at his balls then back to his cock, he then felt the man’s hand playing with his nipple.

"Fuck Alex I'm going to come, god it's so good fuck please don't stop babe."

Alex felt the hot cum shoot deep within his throat and he took great pleasure in swallowing it, he then licked his lover's cock clean. He then pulled Fox's pants right off and removed his own.

"I want to fuck you Fox I want to be deep inside you."

Alex removed the small tube of lube from his pocket and applied it to his cock, he then put plenty on to Fox’s ass.

"Please tell me if I hurt you Fox, shit I can't prepare you I’m going to come soon."

Alex had used that much lube that he slid deep in to his lover’s ass without much resistance.

"God I love your body Fox and your tight ass and it's all mine, you’re mine Fox and I'm yours."

"I love you Alex and I want to feel your hot cum deep inside me babe, fuck me harder babe and come for me."

Alex could hold back no longer as the tight ass muscles clenched his cock hard, he came screaming.

"Fuck you are great Fox."

"So are you Alex and you're very vocal for night time."

"Don't worry Fox no one can hear, but I think it's time we got home."

"Come on then babe before Scully sends out the search party."

Both Alex and Fox felt calm and relaxed with each other and with life, they headed home to the son who needed them both.

Over the next few weeks they looked at many properties until they found one that they both agreed on. It was an old house in need of repair but as they no longer worked they decided to do it up together.

"You do realize that when we move in we won't know what to do with all that space babe."

"I am sure that we will think of something Fox, at least we both agreed on this one."

"Yeah you are one stubborn man Alex Krycek"

"Fox who will cook you or me."

"Point taken babe you know that I hate cooking, why cook and make loads of pots when you can order it over the phone."

"You don't get it do you Fox?"

"Yes you wanted a big kitchen so you can do all the cooking you already told me Alex."

"Well I told a white lie Fox, I wanted a bigger kitchen so I can teach you to cook."

"I am not cooking Alex."

"If you say so Fox."

"For god’s sake get the lip in Fox and stop pouting you know it turns me on."

"Fine babe I won't turn you on then."

"Don't sulk Fox we need to arrange removals and pack, shit it's nearly time to collect Sasha from the nursery."

"Okay point taken but you wait babe until we have our own room."

  
"You making promises Fox, well I hope that you keep them."

"Oh believe me I will be."

They spent the next couple of weeks very busy. Alex had sat Sasha down and explained to him that mummy was with the angels and that she was watching over him, he had cried but seemed to cope. At the end of the second week everything was packed and it was time to leave.

"Do you want to take one last look at your home before we move Fox?"

"Alex it was you and Sasha that made it a home and as you’re coming with me, I don't care."

They all loved their new home and it was to take many months hard work to make it a real home. Sasha had started school and Fox and Alex had more time to work on the repairs. Today they had planned to finish the kitchen,  
Alex was up the ladder when he felt his sweat pants pulled down.

"No underwear again Alex."

"I’m at home painting it's not like anyone will know."

"Very true babe and it makes it easier for me."

Fox lent against Alex and deep throated his cock.

"Shit Fox can I get off the ladder before you do that."

"Sorry babe but you are at the perfect height just where you are."

Fox worked his mouth and throat around his lovers cock until he came, he then pulled Alex's sweat pants up and walked away.

"Fox where are you going?"

"We have work to do babe."

"Fox if we had cut out the sex we would have finished weeks ago."

"I know babe but that would have been boring, anyway it's time for me to collect Sasha."

XXXXXXXXXX

Ten years later and Alex and Fox along with Sasha had remained together:  
They had a great home and a great life but Alex realised that now he was finally happy the years were disappearing fast. Not that he would swap the time he had spent with Fox for anything.

 Sasha was now fourteen and growing fast, he was as big as Alex himself was at that age. He loved his son so much but Sasha had started rebelling at everything that was asked or expected of him.

"Alex I know that you want to do your best for Sash but he will rebel more if you apply so many rules."

"Fine let him go to the bloody party then, why the hell should I care Fox?"

"Please babe let's not argue."

"Whatever Fox, Sasha get in here now."

"What do you want dad?"

"Go to the bloody party if that's what you want, but piss me off at all and I will punish you."

"Thanks Dad."

"Don't thank me thank Fox it was his idea to let you go."

"Thanks Fox, I will behave I promise."

When Sasha had gone Fox turned to Alex.

"What the hell is wrong with you Alex, you yell at him and swear at him yet you expect him to respect you."

"Just leave me alone Fox, I can see through the sweet disguise that Sasha uses on you."

"Whatever Alex I'm off for a swim then to bed, you can do what you want."

"Gee thanks Fox it's nice to know I'm wanted around here."

"Grow up Alex."

With that Fox was gone and Alex was alone, fine he decided that he might as well go to bed.

Fox finished his swim and felt more relaxed now, he then dried himself and got in to bed naked.

"Since when did you start sleeping in your underwear Alex?"

"Since you started pissing me off Fox."

"So Alex how long do you plan to keep this up then?"

"However long I want so go to sleep Fox."

Fox very quietly opened the bottle of lube and coated his fingers.

"Is there anything that I can do to make you talk to me babe?"

"No Fox there's nothing so leave me Alone."

Fox was fast and before Alex realised his annoying lover had shoved his fingers up his ass and was rubbing his prostate.

"Are you sure that I can't make you talk to me babe..."

"That's not fair Fox you're playing dirty."

"I know babe but admit it you love it."

Finally Fox caused Alex to come without even having to touch his hard cock.

"Do you feel better now babe and more relaxed?"

"Yeah thanks for that lover, now let's see what I can do for you."

 

Alex went down on Fox and engulfed his hard shaft he sucked and licked Fox until he felt his balls tighten then he swallowed the hot cum in his throat. They held each other until sleep claimed them both.  Later Alex heard the hammering at the door, shit it was only four in the morning.

"Who the hells making that noise babe."

"I don't know Fox but I plan to find out."

Both men dressed and went downstairs, Alex went to answer the door and when he opened the door he became pissed off and tense all over again. On the doorstep stood two police officer's and Sasha.

"Can we come in Sir and just have a word with you please."

"Yeah you had better tell me what he has done."

"Sir your son and some other boys were caught tonight breaking and entering. I have to inform you that your son appeared to be the ringleader as he was the one caught with the item that was used to gain access."

"So what happens now then?"

"Well Mr. Krycek due to their age the company are not going to prosecute, it will be up to you to discipline your son."

"Don't worry he will be disciplined believe me."

"We will not be able to return the tool to you as your son had no right carrying it."

"Can I just ask what he used?"

"Your son was carrying an FBI issue picklock"

Alex felt his blood run cold and was unable to reply, it was Fox who explained that he was an ex FBI agent and that it had been his, he also had to show the police out.

Sasha just sat there staring at his father.

"Come on then daddy dearest, what's the punishment then?"

Fox saw the look of anger in Alex's eyes and knew he was really going to lose it.

"Sasha why do you have to wind your father up"

"Well it's not like it takes much."

Fox saw Alex move, however he was faster and grabbed his lover tight.

"Get to your bedroom NOW you will be dealt with in the morning."

Sasha stormed out and slammed the door, all he achieved was pissing his father off even more. Fox knew that he would have to talk to Sasha, before Alex ended up hitting him.

"Alex listen to me just take deep breaths and calm down, then I will let you go babe."

"I’m fine just let me go Fox."

The minute he let go Alex dashed for the stairs but Fox was faster, he ended up knocking Alex to the floor and pinning his arm behind his back.

"Please Alex just leave it for tonight"

"You heard him Fox shit he just thinks it was a joke."

"If you go up there tonight Alex you will live to regret your actions."

"Shit Fox he tried to rob a place using the same tool that I have used so many times myself."

"That's what hurts you the most Alex that he becomes what you were."

"Fox can we just go to bed and talk in the morning"

"Just promise me Alex that you will behave."

"I promise Fox I'm tired and need some sleep."

Both men went upstairs, Alex went to the toilet while Fox waited then Fox went into the bathroom. Alex was going towards the bedroom when he heard his son.  
"Why can't you be a man and punish me yourself dad, you always hide behind Fox unless you are giving out rules, well you're pathetic?"

Fox heard the commotion and walked out of the bathroom to see that Alex had Sasha on the floor and his fist raised. He acted fast and pulled Alex off.

"I want both of you in your bedrooms NOW, I guess that I will have to deal with both of you in the morning."

Sasha went in his room and slammed the door, Fox took Alex into their own bedroom.

"He does it on purpose Alex to wind you up and you always fall for it"

"What do you want me to do, just let him get away with it?"

"I will talk to him in the morning Alex, but this has gone far enough."

Morning soon came and Fox was the first one awake, he dressed and went to see if Sasha was awake.

"What do you want Fox?"

"Well I would like some respect to start with. It was bad enough that you got into trouble last night and your father can punish you for that, but why do you have to wind him up."

"Because he's pathetic, all he ever does is give me rules for this rules for that."

"Life is full of rules Sasha, but your father is not pathetic he has suffered more than you will ever know can't you just give him a break."

"So he has suffered so much, well it's not my fault that he had to have his arm amputated after that car crash."

"Sasha he has never blamed you, your father blames himself for everything that goes wrong in life will you please just try for me."

"Okay I will try."

"That's all I ask."

Fox returned to the bedroom to find Alex up and dressed.

"You're up early babe for a weekend."

"Yeah well I have things to do now don't I."

"I have spoken to Sasha babe and he has promised that he will try harder."

"Fine I guess it's my turn now then."

Alex found his son in the kitchen he was sat at the table drinking coffee.

"Morning dad, do you want some coffee."

"No Sasha I know what you are doing but it won't work."

"God I only offered you a coffee."

"Well let's see if you are still as willing when I have punished you then. You are not even fifteen for a couple more months, do you really want to spend your birthday grounded."

"That's not fair dad you can't ground me for two months."

“I’m grounding you for one month Sasha, if you do anything wrong in that month you will be grounded on your birthday. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes I will behave dad."

"You can start by doing your homework."

Sasha left the kitchen without saying another word.

Alex knew that Sasha was just as stubborn as he had been at that age, he remembered when he was fourteen and had spent the day with Nikolai instead of going out with his family.

It was to be only three weeks later that Sasha broke his promise to behave.  
Alex had sent him to do his homework over three hours ago and had called him for dinner, he received no reply.

"Don't worry Alex he most probably fell asleep."

"Can you get him Fox while I dish out the food?"

"No problem babe."

Fox returned a couple of minutes later, he also seemed rather flustered too.

"I take that back Alex, I think we do have a problem."

"What do you mean Fox?"

"Sasha seems to have disappeared."

"I swear he’s pushing his luck."

Alex went and sat on Sasha's bed to wait for him to return, Fox decided that it might be a good idea to wait with Alex. It was over two hours later that Sasha climbed through the bedroom window and froze. Alex grabbed him and pulled him close.

"Where have you been?"

"I was only outside."

"Since when did you have to use a window, and you stink of alcohol."

“What can I say then when you already know?"

Alex pulled him closer.

"Do not be clever with me, what the fucks that on your neck."

"I am sure dad that you're old enough to know what it is."

"Jesus what the hell have you been doing, I don't want some girl on my doorstep pregnant."

"We kissed that was all and there's no chance of a baby."

"You can be sure of that can you Sasha?"

"Well you know the saying, like father like son."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Because it was not a girl I kissed, I’m gay daddy dearest"

"Why Sasha you're too young to know what you want."

"Why is it that everyone says that you are a good man, yet you’re scared to death that I become like you?"

"I have my reasons, but that's beside the point, you are now grounded until after your birthday."

"Like I care anyway."

"You will Sasha believe me."

It was breaking Alex's heart to have to be so hard on his son, but he had to learn.

As it got nearer to Sasha's birthday Alex felt guilty that he had grounded the boy.

"Sasha we have planned a meal out for your birthday just the three of us, the tables booked for eight."

"Just stick it, I would rather be alone."

"Fine if that's how you want it, me and Fox will go together and you can stay here alone"

"Like I care."

By the time Sasha's birthday arrived even Fox could not talk him into going out with them, but they refused to let him spoil there night out so they went without him, Sasha was left at home alone.

Later that night Alex started to feel guilty that Sasha was alone on his birthday. When they had finished their meal they decided to go home early.

When they entered the house Alex heard the noises coming from upstairs and went to see what the hell Sasha was doing now. He realised that the noise was coming from his and Fox's room, he opened the door but was not prepared for the sight that greeted him. There on the bed was his fifteen year old son, he was naked and underneath some other kid.

"You fuckin bastard Sasha."

Alex grabbed the other boy and shoved him to the floor, he then had his own son pinned against the wall by his throat.

Just then Fox walked into the room and told the other kid to dress and leave.

"Alex let Sasha go babe."

"No fuckin chance, he's a whore Fox."

"Alex he's not he is your son."

"He is no son of mine Fox, I will not have a dirty whore for a son."

Fox could see Sasha crying the boy was becoming very distressed.

"Alex you are upsetting him, at least let him get dressed then we can talk."

"Upsetting him shit Fox he deserves what he gets."

With that Alex back handed the boy across the face and shoved him to the floor, Fox grabbed hold of Alex tight.

"Get out of here now Sasha, I will come and see you when I have dealt with your father."

Fox watched as Sasha left the room, the boy was bleeding and crying his eyes out. He then turned to his lover who was now limp in his arms and also crying. Fox managed to take Alex to the bed he then laid down with Alex and held him.

"He needs to know some of your past babe, Sasha is old enough to know why you behave as you do."

"Which bit do you suggest I tell him Fox, that I was an assassin or a fucked up whore, or I could tell him how I really lost my arm."

"Alex he has to know so he can understand, hell the poor kid thinks that his father is a wimp, please Alex you are the strongest man I have ever known."

"How can you say that Fox, look at me?"

"Alex you have survived more than many people, and you are a loving man despite it all."

"I hit my own son Fox what sort of father does that make me."

"You did it because you care Alex, Sasha scares you because you only see yourself in him."

"I just saw them Fox on the bed naked, but it was not Sasha I saw there with someone fucking him it was me when I was that age."

"You stay here Alex while I check on Sasha and get us a drink."

"God I would be nothing without you Fox."

"It works two ways babe."

Fox gave Alex a kiss then went to see Sasha.

The boy had remained near the bedroom door listening for a while before he went to his own room. What was Fox and his father going on about, maybe it was time to check out his father’s real past? A short time later Fox knocked and entered Sasha's room.

"Nice to see you're dressed, we need to talk and clean up your face."

"Dad hit me Fox, he has never hit me like that before."

"Sasha I have warned you many times that you were pushing him too much, you are a child, yet you thought you were clever having sex in your own fathers’ bed."

"I swear that I never planned it Fox, Toby came to give me my birthday present and it just happened."

"How old is Toby, Sasha?"

"He's fifteen like me why?"

"At least he was not an adult or your father might kill him."

"Fox dad would not be capable of that much violence, hell have you seen him, he's too emotional and cries a lot."

"Your father had a hard life Sasha, sometimes he still cannot understand why we love him."

"I am not stupid Fox, I know that dad's keeping stuff from me and that it concerns his past."  
"I am sorry but as much as I love you Sasha, it has to be your fathers decision whether he tells you or not."

"Look its late now, I suggest we all get some sleep, your father will apologize in the morning for hitting you, but you also have some apologizing to do of your own."

  
Fox went back to his own room and found Alex fast asleep, he stripped and joined him in bed and just held him. God Sasha was as stubborn as his father and Fox knew it would be hard to deal with the pair of them.

The next two weeks became very hard for everyone in the house, Alex and Sasha had both apologized but Fox could see that the gap between father and son had grown wider.

Sasha had asked to go to a friend's that evening and Alex had reluctantly agreed to let him go, he had only agreed because Fox had begged him to give Sasha another chance.  Fox and Alex had been invited to Scullys for a meal.

"We can stay at home and spent the night just waiting in for Sasha. On the other hand we can go out and have a meal and a few drinks, for god’s sake Alex can you let me know one way or the other."

"Just get off my back Fox for fucks sake, we will go as we promised Scully."  
"Do me a favour then babe, at least smile while we are there and act like you want to be there."

"Whatever Fox, come on we had better get moving."

They got in the car and left to go to Scully's, Fox knew that their own relationship was also starting to suffer.  
Sasha had waited out of sight and as soon as the car left he returned home. He let himself in and went straight towards Fox's office and opened the top drawer of the filling cabinet, he then found what he wanted. Sasha pulled out the metal box and looked inside to find Fox's FBI card, badge and gun then he pulled out the lock pick.

  
Sasha was very efficient as he unlocked the bottom drawer of the desk, he removed the large thick envelope and locked the draw. After returning the pick and checking that everything remained the same he grabbed the envelope and returned to his own room.

He had started reading and knew that it would take many hours most probably all night, he only stopped once to pretend that he was asleep. Sasha had heard Fox and his dad return and knew that they would look in on him. After he heard them enter their own bedroom he carried on reading.

"You see Alex Sasha came home as promised."

"Well let's just hope he keeps it up Fox."

"Alex do you still love me, hell do you even want to be with me anymore?"

Alex was surprised and taken aback by Fox's question.

"What made you ask that Fox, I take it that you must have some doubts as to my love for you?"

"Shit Alex we hardly touch each other or even kiss."

Alex held Fox and kissed him, he then started opening his shirt.

"Please Fox let me show you, let me make love to you."

"God I want to feel you inside me babe."

"Strip for me Fox I want to see you naked lover."

Fox stood and removed his clothes, he knew by the look in Alex's eyes alone that the man still loved him.

"Alex can we move this along or are you just going to stare at me all night."

"I’m enjoying the sight of your naked body lover."

"Alex please, I want you inside me now."

"You have never changed have you Fox, shit you're still a wanton slut."

"Yeah and I'm desperate babe, please just get your clothes off and fuck me."

Alex removed all his own clothes and pushed Fox down on the bed and sat over him, he then applied plenty of lube to his fingers and used them to fuck Fox.

"Is this what you want lover fuck you're so tight Fox, fuck this I need to fuck you right now."

"Oh god babe keep going."

Alex rammed deep into Fox, god after all this time the feeling was amazing so hot and tight, then he felt his lover come pushing Alex over the edge at the same time.

"God I love you Alex, and I don't want to lose you."

"Fox I have no intention of going anywhere I love you too much, and look at it this way Fox if Sasha refuses to behave he will be old enough to kick out soon."

"That’s not funny Alex you know that you love him."  
"I'm sorry Fox and yes I love him so much it hurts, and I don't want to lose him."

"Come on babe it will work out, he does love you Alex he's just mixed up that's all. However you love him so much that you will drive him away, he has to learn by his own mistakes babe."

In the morning Alex rose and went to make coffee, he sat at the table with Fox and was pleased to see his lover’s gorgeous smile. Hell maybe Fox was right and they hardly even kissed anymore, Alex realised that he would Fuck Fox every night just to see that smile. He was brought out of his daydream by his son's voice.

"Why Dad."

"Sorry Sasha I was miles away, what do you mean why?"

"Why did you never tell me anything?"

"I’m sorry Sasha but you have lost me, I don't have a clue what the hell you are going on about."

"Why did you never tell me that you were an assassin, that you were a whore and raped? You even lied to me about your arm, shit you had it hacked off while awake."

Alex never replied he got up and ran to the bathroom and threw up, he then laid on the bed and cried himself to sleep.

"How the hell do you know all that about your father?"

"I read it in his diary."

"You took it without permission Sasha, well tell me just how much of it did you read."

"I read all of it Fox, he could have told me."

"He loves you Sasha, he wanted you to love him in return not pity him."

"I do love him."

Sasha ran out of the room and went upstairs. Fox checked and found Alex asleep so he decided to go for a run, god he had one hell of a headache.

Alex woke sometime later and felt the body in his arms, he kissed Fox on the top of his head. Alex opened his eyes when he realised that it was not the scent of his lover, there in his arms wide awake was his son. Alex stroked the boy’s hair and held him tight.

"Why did you have to read it Sasha?"

"You’re my father and I never even knew what sort of a life you had."

"I never wanted your pity Sasha, I have never wanted pity from anyone, it hurts when your own son only feels sorry for you."

"But I understand now, I love you dad but I always believed that you hated me."

"I have never hated you Sasha, I love you so much."

"Yeah well life seemed to be nothing but one rule after another, but I realize now that you did it because you love me and wanted to protect me."

"That was all I ever wanted Sasha for you to be safe and have a life."

"I accept why you behaved the way you did, but I do not feel pity for you dad. God you are the bravest strongest man I know. How did you manage to survive it all?"

"It's the past Sasha, and I have had the best twelve years of my life with you and Fox, and if I had to do it again I would if this was to be the result."

"Are you really happy dad?"

"Well I am happy that you don't hate me on account of my past."

"How could I hate you for something that was not your fault, I love you dad and realize just how much you love me. You really do love Fox as well don't you?"

"I have loved him for a long time and I still do love him. There was a time when I believed that Fox would never speak to me again, never mind been my lover."

"I love him to dad, and I am glad he was there for us both."

"Yeah I sometimes think that we would have driven each other mad without Fox."

"Dad can we go see Fox and tell him every things going to be fine now."

"Come on then son let's put him out of his misery."

Fox had enjoyed his run and had finally managed to clear his head, he was sat reading the paper when he saw Alex and Sasha enter the room.

"You two look very happy Alex."

"Let's just say Fox that we have sorted out our differences."

"About bloody time you are as stubborn as each other."

"Sasha where's my diary now?"

"It's still in my bedroom why?"

"Can you go get it for me?"

Alex walked into the garden followed by his lover and son, he got the barbecue out of the shed and placed the diary on it. Alex then put a match to it and watched as it burned and turned to ash.

"Alex are you sure you’re ok babe."

"It's the past Fox, it's all behind me and I have everything that I could ever want right here, you and Sasha are my future."

"Dad can I just ask you one question."

"Yeah of course you can Sasha."

  
"In your dairy you ended it saying that you were going to end your life, and Fox had wrote a reply explaining how much he loved you and would miss you now that you were dead, what did he mean when you never died?"

"That Sasha is another story."

A Cruel Rat's Tale.  
By CarolelaineD

 

 

 


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